Conversation With One's Self Thursday, March 11, 2004
Why exactly does my mind think about things that make my heart ache? Could it be that my mind and my heart do not like each other?
Maybe your mind was beginning to forget something, and when it thought about it, your heart reminded it that what it was remembering was painful.
So my heart is telling my mind to repress something.
I think so.
So why doesn't my mind just hurry up and repress it?
You see, your mind doesn't just repress memories whenever your consciousness tells it too. If it did that, if you made a mistake you could simply repress that you made the mistake. Sure you would feel better at the moment, but then you could make that same mistake again and not even know it. The mind is a very smart thing. The younger you are the more things your memory represses. That's because when you are young you know right from wong. The older you get the more your mind second guesses right from wrong.
Like when I was 14 I knew sex before marriage was wrong. Yet at 18 I had sex and made excuses for why it was actually ok.
Exactly. When you are young your mind isn't that complex. Take for instance when you were an infant. Things were simple. Hungry? Cry. Lonely? Cry. When you get older the same exact problems can't be solved so easily. Teenagers think. Hungry? Look in fridge.. will what I eat make me gain weight? How much should I eat? Should I have chicken or beef? Lonely? Why am I lonely? Did I do something wrong to someone? Who should I call? Is so and so still mad at me? Then it gets even harder! Adulthood Hungry? Do I have enough money for groceries? Should I buy fast food or grocery store food? Should I work more hours so I can afford what I really want? Lonely? I should have never broke up with so and so. I should be married by now. Should I go home with this person I just met at the bar? When did I become so lonely?
Ok, so I understand life gets harder the older I get. So why does it get harder to repress memories the older I get?
It's a safety net for yourself. You have to remember the past so you don't make the same mistakes in the future. The older you get the more complicated life gets, so the more you remember about life, the less likely you are to stop making the same mistakes.
So does one ever forget about the past?
When you get past middle age, and past adulthood, you get to an age where you stop regretting. You stop repressing. You just live by accepting things for how they are. Perhaps that is why God saved that age for last. He wants us to remember those days forever.
So I guess remembering painful memories for now is ok, for when I get older I will spend most of my times remembering the good.
And there will be so much good that you won't have time to think about the bad.
~Her~
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