Sacrifice [Friends Only Entry] Wednesday, January 28, 2004
It’s time to just tell them both to leave me out of this. Those two can work it out, get married, and have lots of kids… Just don’t let me see it. I can’t see it again. I can not watch another man that I loved marry someone else and have children. I am not emotionally strong enough to smile and wish them luck while I stand alone on the sidelines. I am one of the strongest women you’ll ever meet, but I am not strong enough to watch everyone in this world live happily ever after while I live with this stabbing pain in my chest watching everyone’s lives go by. I am just a human that has had a chicken bone stuck in her throat for what seems an eternity. I am just a person that finds it extremely hard to swallow anything. I do not have super natural powers that can let go of pain with the flip of a switch. People seem to think that nothing hurts me. However, my life has in fact turned into a train wreck in which I am buried under debris and no one can see me. The only way for me to escape is on my own. I am starting to panic under the concealing debris for I have no idea which way is out. I have no idea what I am supposed to do to make someone hear me, notice me, or realize I am here. I have two options left. Escape on my own or give up and let myself escape to God. However, I have been buried so long I am not sure if I have the strength to pull myself out of this mess.
My Lord, it’s hard enough to just know that no one in this world can stay in love with me. They always find their true love and it’s never me. My God, why is it never me? You know love is all I want. Tell me God, when will it be my turn? Will I ever have a chance?
So here I go again. I won’t fight for his friendship if it means I could mess up his relationship with her. I will be the one to walk away. I’ll try to never look back because I can’t take the pain. I can’t even understand why I want to fix his and my friendship. If him and I ever were to become friends again I would have to watch him love another girl. I would have to watch a man that lied and cheated get to live happily ever after. I would have to try to understand why my honesty didn’t pay off. Damn it. Why the fuck can’t I lie and cheat and have two men compete for my friendship? Why in the Hell am I the one that always ends up walking away and sacrificing for someone else? Is it because I don’t fight for what I want? Should I fight and scream and try to get what I want and mess up what two people in love can have? No, I shouldn’t. I know right from wrong. I know that messing up lives of other people is not right. So I guess I have to walk away. It truly is best this way.
I have to admit one thing. I think I deserve an explanation in which I can physically see him and talk to him. I think I deserve having him stick up for me and say, "Tari, why doesn't she deserve a chance to see me again so that I can talk to her? I don't want her. I love you. I just want to give her an appology and an explanation. That is all. I think she deserves that." However, I know how people are. He couldn't even call me back to appologize after he told me he wasn't allowed to come see me. Instead Tari called me and told me Keith wasn't allowed to see me.
Walk away, Shannon. Everyone just keeps hurting you. Walk away.
Her
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