Once Again i Vetem Sunday, January 18, 2004
I am not sure where I am right now. Everything was so clear before. Once again, everything is confusing. I am floating through life looking down to earth hoping to see something that gives me hope. With in the last 2 years I have lost a few things.
I've lost the ability to take chances on love. The way I was raised and the way the world really is are completely different. I no longer look for that one man that could make me happy.
I've lost the ability to hope. I used to hope that I was wrong about the world. I used to hope that there are people in the world that believe in the same things as me. I hope no more.
I've lost the ability to see good in my life. I am living in that complete darkness again that I lived in before. Passing thoughts of death, and passing thoughts of fading pain engulf my mind. I no longer go out with friends. I can't leave these walls.
I hate living. I hate being who I am. I hate being ugly. I hate being insane. I hate that my hair doesn't cover me the way it should. I hate that my complextion isn't perfect. I hate that I have gained 30 pounds in the last 6 months. I hate being sad all the time. I hate that people see all of these things in me and that's all they see. I hate that every one is better at everything than me. I hate that people can't see that I am talented in some way. I hate that I feel the need to cry every night. I hate that I don't have enough good qualities to be loved. I hate being the girl that is just the one that gets fucked, and not the girl that gets loved. I hate being lied to when all I wanted was the truth!
ALL I WANTED WAS THE DAMN TRUTH. I would have still been your friend if you didn't love me! I would have still called you and wished you well with the girl you really loved! I would have supported you if you would have just told me the truth. I don't like hating you, but I don't know how to like you anymore. You told her that I was stalking you. You told her that I was a bad person. Why did you think I was so bad? Why did you hate me? I didn't mean to make you hate me. What did I do? I can not beleive that I meant nothing to you and that you denied our friendship. I can't believe you still want to deny our friendship. Why Keith? WHY? If you didn't want to be my friend, why did you visit me? I wish you could see through my eyes. I wish you could see what I see.
I have to let go. I have this inside need to let go. My mind telling me to just let go. Never have I felt the need to let go more than I do at this moment. My Lord, I don't know what to let go of. I don't seem to have anything.
I want to have a baby.
Her
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it's not so bad, being alone. [lowerlight]
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