don't dwell in 2014

6:40pm

Wow, three days in a row! This must be some kind of record. [Or I'm bored and have had a lot of time to quietly sit with my thoughts...]

I don't actually have anything important to say. Today was a bad emotional kind of day. Things wouldn't do what I wanted them too, but after getting up for a little dinner I'm feeling better. Who knew that all it would take was some delicious food? I definitely should have known that. I guess I was too distracted to think straight. Feeling all foggy and lightheaded and all that.

Sometimes I think I baby myself too much. Like there are days where I just soak it all up and feed all the misery. These last couple of days have been like that. I know exactly why my mood is the way it is. It has a perfectly sane explanation [if slightly illogical] and I am very much aware of that. But man did I dwell in it.

Mostly I know that I shouldn't. Because it will go away and everything will go back to normal. But sometimes I just sit and let myself sink. I tell myself it's ok to feel dark and gloomy for a while. And it is! Don't get me wrong! I think it's totally normal and natural to feel that way sometimes. But I also think that I let myself go too far with it.

I lived that way for so long, you see. I was all grey skies and cloudy mornings. I hurt all inside and I was broken in a million little pieces. I'm still like that, in a lot of ways, but I've learned to see the rainbows and butterflies now. At times I think it's just comforting to go back to all that. It doesn't feel bad.

Until I let it go too far. I treat myself like a tiny toddler who needs extra care and attention, and can't do anything on its own. I know that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of everything and pulling myself out of this hole, but I don't wanna! ;-\ heh.

It would probably make life a bit easier if I did though. Then I wouldn't spend all these hours in bed reveling in my own misery and making it all worse. The thoughts start taking over and I swear my brain has this insane control of my body that I can't convince to work for good, not evil. So it all sorta goes downhill from there.

Anyway, I did need a lot of quiet time to recharge and re-energize, but I shouldn't have combined it with everything else. My mother's been complaining all day about how I've had TWO.DAYS like this and I should be up and ready to go for everything.

Ahh, the life of an extrovert; never understanding an introvert's need to fill up her batteries while quietly sitting and doing absolutely nothing.

In other news, I'm probably drinking too much again. I can tell when it happens because it is taking a lot more alcohol for me to even feel a slight effect. And I have this annoying habit of looking at the bottle after I pour and checking to see how far down it's gone. [maybe that's a good habit to have? I don't know..] It makes me feel like I've been drinking soo much, when in reality it's not that bad. I've seen worse.

Perhaps I'll quit for a while. I love my crazy tolerance to it, but I don't want to have to drink the entire bottle in order to feel a little something. What fun would that be?

I'm going to Seattle soon and with Marie being pregnant I doubt there will be much drinking happening out there. Although it would be kind of fun to get my brother drunk. I think I could drink him under the table and that might be funny to watch. But maybe not. We'll see.

My fb has been all "notification" "notification" lately. I can't remember the last time I've had so much going on there. Yay for birthdays suddenly making you popular, or something? Mostly I just read and procrastinate on responding. Kristen added me a few days ago and I do hope to reconnect with her. She was fun and it's been so long since I've heard anything about her. Then today Whitney added me. That was strange! We haven't been friends since like middle school. Of course we were like best friends before that but still. It's been a long while.

I know that a lot of people add you as a friend in order to check up on you. Like all my stuff is private. If you find me on there [which is rare in and of itself] all you see is the tiny picture and some nature shots I've posted as cover pics. That's it. No info or anything. So I know that I get a bunch of requests from people just because they want to know all the gossip. Did I go to school? Did I graduate? Do I work? Where do I live? Am I married with seventeen kids? What do I look like after all these years? ha!

Too bad when they add me they don't realize that most of that information isn't on there either. There are a few pictures and you'll know I graduated but that's it. Plus if we haven't been friends in years I'll just block you from all my albums before you even have time to poke your nose into everything. haha. Maybe none of that is their intention at all. But come on? What else am I supposed to think after all these years? That and the fact that they never actually send any messages in an effort to get back in touch. Yeah. I'm no idiot. Go away!

Needless to say, I'm debating what to do about that one. I don't really feel any need to be friends with her again. I can't imagine we'd get along. But I don't like being rude either. =\ I'll just procrastinate for a while and see how I feel about it later. No harm in that.

The site's not even that fun without being able to e-stalk CK anymore. hah. Still no word from that kid. I'm not even sure there will be any more words. It feels so "done" right now. And I realize that's probably just my over-analyzing brain that makes it seem that way. Still. I'm trying my best to leave it be for now.

I need a new project. A distraction. I want to build or create something. Go through all my pictures, make prints, and start framing or putting in albums. Or make a table or some kind of project out of wood. I need to use this creative energy while I've got it. It's always so fleeting. Perhaps a good spring cleaning project is in order! My room's kind of this tightly packed, clumsy mess. I should fix that, but I'm not sure how to reorganize to make it all fit.

I could build shelves!! My current bookcase is double packed and unable to hold even one more book. Although putting stuff on walls, in combination with all the earthquakes, kind of makes me lean towards not a good idea. I should give this more thought though. At least clean out the closet and a few drawers. This way I can feed my need for solitary confinement and be productive at the same time.

Smart thinking, Rose! I'm off to contemplate where to start!

7:44pm

Last updated August 11, 2014