birthday dinners moving fast in 2014

9:24pm

Well, the birthday went well. I had to work in the afternoon so I didn't do much that morning. Just had an awesome breakfast and got ready to head out. Wore my favorite blue dress because it's like my own tradition now to at least wear a dress on my birthday.

And work wasn't so bad. I had a ton of research to do for my part-time job [checking on stocks and looking into book fairs]. But when I called J to inform him of the outcome, he didn't answer. I left a message but we must have left the office before he got it. We ran out of there a little early so we could come home and start cooking.

I wanted my coworker to stop over and have dinner. She had an appointment at 7pm so that's why we wanted to start early. Well, that and we were hungry. haha. I ended up texting Katie from work and inviting her over as well. She came last year and I don't really know anyone else in town so I thought it would be cool to have her come.

She got back to me right before we started and showed up around six. That was nice. I think we're going to work on reconnecting again this year. Might as well. We're both in town, and seem to enjoy hanging out, and I need more friends. Except she was supposed to text me today to see about going to the fair and she never did. Bad start, Katie!

That's ok though. I didn't feel much like going. I was super tired after waking up to a loud noise at 2am and having a very hard time getting back to sleep. My paranoia has been on high alert lately. Like I feel some kind of "presence" in the house. I know it's crazy to believe in ghosts and all that, but it's just like everywhere and hard to ignore. But of course it's only in the middle of the night when it's quiet and I can't stand my own thoughts. haha.

So I ended up staying in bed until about 10:30 this morning. I could not drag myself out of it. I would have stayed longer too if I didn't start to feel like such a lazy bum. Mom was already outside working in the garden so I reluctantly got out of bed and went to make her some coffee. We spent the next few hours outside [until about 3pm] working on various projects. It's looking so nice out there, which is good because Katie and I discussed a weekly potluck BBQ thing to happen this summer. haha.

I'm not all that bummed I missed the fair. I would have gone had she sent me a message, but it's ok that I didn't. Seeing people in town is still not my idea of a great night and I'll catch those bull-riding cowboys some other time. Like at a real rodeo or something!

The CK thing is still bumming me out though. [surprised? didn't think so...] I'm still surprised I invited him over that one day. Like I moved too fast. We'd been talking once a week, or less [only b/c he'd show up at the office that often] and then I just asked him to come over.

Not that it wasn't a good time. We talked a lot. He was super nice and polite. I mean he picked my plate up from the table for Pete's sake! and he thanked me multiple times for inviting him. But like, my mom was there and it wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind. I have no idea what was running through his head during the whole thing.

sigh

I'm just second guessing myself on everything right now. I haven't had an in-person conversation with him since that day. Only saw him the once when he popped into the office real quick at the end of the season. We've had a couple text sessions, but I don't want to keep being the first to contact. It makes me feel all lame and needy [bored and drunk being better descriptions of how I usually am when wanting to text....heh]. And he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get in touch either.

This is what I get for getting all involved in this. I should have just stuck within my own little bubble. Quiet and alone. With music and my own thoughts to keep me company. Then I wouldn't have to worry about what someone else is thinking. Or what they're feeling. Or how this is all going to turn out.

You know I'm never going to be able to let it go though. As much as I want to. As much as he has all the qualities of everything I've never wanted. I can't let go. It's impossible. I saw the sign. I heard the message. It'll never be erased and I'll never be able to go back.

Not sure how I am ever going to be able to go forward either though..

hmmm....I forgot I was working on an entry. Ran off to read random things on the interwebs. I guess I don't really have much more to say anyways. It would be nice if I could figure out how to stop beating myself up over this whole situation. I mean, it's not even a "thing" so I don't understand why I'm making it so difficult.

I'll just have to figure out some way to make more friends [do I say this enough?]. Also! I'm going to Seattle soon! Going to visit with my brother and all that. Marie may or may not pop while I'm there. I mean her due date [I think] will be a few days after I'm scheduled to leave so you never know. Probably best if it happens after I'm gone. I don't want to be in the way, but it would be kind of neat to be there for her if she wants me around. We'll see how it goes. I'm keeping my visit a surprise for now, unless my brother spills the beans. She won't be that much fun anyways. What with not being able to drink and play at the bar with me. haha!

That's ok though. I'm still excited to go. Ready to get out of this place. Hopefully I can convince Ryan to go out into the mountains with me. I want to sightsee and take pictures. Explore and maybe drink too much somewhere. Basically right now all our plans involve eating. hah. I've gotta say though, I'm kind of proud that I can keep up with the big boys. I'll probably need to go on a diet for the next few weeks before I leave though. Make some room! haha.

At the very least this trip should serve to get my mind off things for a while.

rose.
10:35pm

Last updated August 11, 2014