Sleeping with the devil himself in Journey Back to ME

There’s a reason I haven’t written in a while. Shame. Disappointment with myself. Wanting to be able to OWN my sexuality and make my own rules. Not being able to ignore the urge to reach out to my narcissistic abuser. I figured I was healed “enough” to manage, but I’m knee deep into it now, and I’m likely going to be gasping for air soon.

Quick Backstory:
-He and I saw each other at our daughters’ awards ceremony on the 9th. I ended up saying hello, but it was only because he was with the mother of his friend that lives in my building. He screamed for my daughter when her name was called. After the ceremony he ran up to her and gave her a hug and told her how proud he was of her. Then right as I was about to go down the reception afterward he called my name and told me he wouldn’t be going down because his ex-wife was there, and he asked me to acknowledge his daughter in case her mother did not go down to the reception with her. Which…I don’t need him to tell me to interact with her because I would have anyway. She’s like my own child.

-This interaction prompted him to text me afterward basically saying a bunch of nothing. But the kind of things that would get a reaction out of me. He mentioned how his daughter respects me as a mother, and he thanked me for being willing to be there for her. I responded generically and said that every time I see her I love on her. And left it at that…

-Last Saturday in the evening my phone rang and it was his friend that lives in my building. I didn’t answer. Then a few minutes later HE called me. I didn’t answer. He sent a text saying that he was calling for her. She was calling because she wasn’t home and due to miscommunication, her kids were home and unable to get into the house and she wanted to know if they could stay with me until she got home. However, I wasn’t home and explained that to her. Then I sent him a message telling him that I reached out to her (I didn’t realize they were together).

-Mother’s Day I received a 3 paragraph long sweet and kind and loving Mother’s Day message from him. He talked about how even though we don’t talk anymore, he’s greatful to how much love and sunshine I brought into their lives, and mentioned how I’ve set the blue print for the type of woman he wants in the life for his child. It was off putting because it was SO SWEET. I knew that this was also a tactic, so I responded generically with a Thank You and how I appreciated the kind message. I talked about how thankless a job it is to be a mother and that I don’t take his compliment lightly.

(Side note: Just writing this, I am in awe of how STRONG I was for SO LONG and that maybe this isn’t a LOSS for me)

After Mother’s Day I began to struggle because his message really left and imprint on me. Although in the back of my mind I would think about all of those things he said about me previously, how I was treated, discarded and my emotional needs were not met, how he gaslit me every chance he got and found a way to take blows at my confidence…and then I would watch my youtube videos that I watch that are of a Psychologist that specializes in narcissism and her videos are helpful and educational. I also spent a lot of time on Pinterest, posting and reposting affirmations… I was REALLY struggling though because it got to a point where I couldn’t get him off my mind. I 1000% miss having sex with him. Then I started to think about just having sex with him and it just being that. I did research and read articles on how to sleep with your ex and how to not be attached. How to make it a casual thing. I have a need that needs met, and I was 85% sure he would be on board with it even though we hadn’t talked really in a month. We haven’t had sex together since January when we were last actually “dating”. Once he said he only wanted to be friends and spend time getting to know each other, he offered friends with benefits and I declined MULTIPLE TIMES. I declined because he and I were more than that. I had feelings involved and didn’t know how he could justify separating all of that and just having sex with me like I’m a nobody. So I made it clear that that was something I didn’t want because I value myself and my body more than that, and I deserve EMOTION FILLED SEX and someone that is willing to do the work with the aftercare afterward. I enjoy snuggling, cuddling, massages, and pillowtalk and he made it clear that he didn’t want to do anything of the sort and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t separate that,

-Fast forward to Tuesday Night, I started to write am entry and was unable to complete it because I felt so stupid for even having this internal battle about someone that hurt me and put me THROUGH IT in such a small period of time. This person completely highjacked my life and flipped everything upside down. He’s a master manipulator and is able to control me in a way that no one ever has. As someone that is educated, knowledgeable about help, I’ve reached out to support groups, womens groups, therapists…I STILL struggle with the hold he has on me. Anyway, so I just decided to go to sleep and put the entry on hold. I woke up around 1 am, and against my better judgement, I decided to reach out.

-I tried to keep it direct and involved as little emotion as possible. I’m not on the level of manipulation that he is, but I did know how to say what I said in a way that would make it impossible for him to say no. Nothing I said to him was a lie though. I was most definitely craving sex with him. I mentioned all of the things I wanted him to do to me. He said “I was not expecting that at all”, and I said “Good”…we didn’t talk about it very long. I basically just said what I said…and then the conversation was over. While driving my kids to school the next morning, I received a message that said for me to come over after I drop my son off (my sons daycare is maybe a 5 minute drive from his house) and to leave my panties in the car....

THAT is the backstory of how I ended up where I am now. I am not going to lie…this man has given me the BEST sex I’ve ever had in my life. With my emotions aside, I truly was craving the sexual fulfillment. During the sex, I kept my mind in check and reminded myself that what we were doing in that moment was only what it was…nothing more. However, I was extremely surprised at how emotionally connected we were. There was A LOT more going on than I would expect there to have been with just a girl he’d be having sex with and it was all intiated by him which was surprising because I went into it with the inderstanding that I was just a body that he longed to have sex with. It was definitely more than that, but like I said…I was able to keep my emotions in check. He was definitely a little more expressive of his emotions than I was. All in all, it was AMAZING. I am not going to lie…I’ve never had such explosive orgasms…I will definitely give him his props. He’s good at what he does. When we were done, I fully expected to throw my clothes on and head into work late. However, he got in the shower and invited me to join. That alone blew me away because although nothing sexual happened in the shower, we have never been in the shower together and that was well beyond the scope of what I was expecting from someone that would just be in it for the sex. He even invited me to sit down with him in his office afterward. I sat there for maybe 5 minutes before I decided to head out. I didn’t want to give my brain the chance to think that this was anything more than what it was…I was trying to leave while I was ahead.

He was the first to reach out to me after that, and we text each other a few times during that day. After I picked my daughter up (but before I picked my son up), my daughter and I stopped at the grocery store. As we were getting out of our car, I noticed him and his daughter coming out of the store. Their car was parked near ours. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! You would think this was a small town. I’ve never seen him in a grocery store ever. He orders his groceries for delivery, so never in a million years would I have expected to see them. Anyway, so my daughter screams out to his daughter. She runs over and I give her the biggest hug. He didn’t really acknowledge me which I was cool with because the kids haven’t seen us together in a LONG time. After that, my daughter and I went into the store....fast forward about 40 minutes or so and I get a phone call from his daughter. This is an important detail because she has a childs account and months ago when I first told him verbally that I don’t want to be friends with him, he told me he would be removing me from her contacts and from her pickup list at school. YES, he’s THAT manipulative that he uses his daughter against me. That wasn’t the first time, but by then I just accepted it. So the simple fact that she was able to call me…I knew it was because he had her do it. She told me that her dad said that she and my daughter could have a play date, and that my daughter could sleep over with her that night and he would take my daughter school. I verified with her and said “YOUR dad said that?” Because just less than an hour ago he didn’t acknowledge me at the store. What do you think I said next??? My dumb ass said…”Okay, we’ll be over in a little bit”…I told you. He definitely has powers in his ways and in the moment I’m so weak that I don’t even think to question it until after it happens.

I wasn’t sure if it was the best thing for me to sit out and be friendly with him. I’m okay to have sex with him, but I’m still hurt from how he’s treated me. The very fact that he’s in my face acting normal lets me know that he doen’t take accountability. How can you be blind to my hurt and your role in that? So I was wanting to keep the “friendly stuff” to a minimum because he is not my friend. However, when we’re together and we’re talking and on a good page…I enjoy that company, the friendship and the conversations…so just like that I sat out with him and another friend of his that I know for hours. Smoking weed, drinking wine, laughing, talking..having a good time. Meeting all of my needs for companionship that I had been missing. Eventually his friend left and it was just me and him. The kids had fallen asleep and we went inside and watched an Episode of Law and Order. He hadn’t tried to make a move, and I wasn’t sure that I should, so I didn’t. Although he invited me inside to watch Law and Order with him, he was on his computer and his phone a lot. It reminded me how he would say that I was always on my phone scrolling, yet when I make a conscious effort to unplug and be present it was always him doing it and not me. I let that be my signal to go home. He’s a coward and I knew he would never ask me to stay, so I woke my son up and we left.

The next day, I went about my day as usual and didn’t reach out to him. I knew my daughter would make it to school on time. He was the one to reach out first. He asked me about whether or not I would have free time Friday morning to come by after I drop off my kids. I told him I wouldn’t be able to stay as long as I had the last time since I had already been late that week. So we planned it all out. We talked about expectations. I explained that I had no expectations. I know that he is emotionally unable to meet my needs, and he’s never responded the way that I needed to me being emotional about anything, so I just made that clear. And he said something along the lines as how sex is just sex to him and it’s not about love but about him feeling good and about making the other person feel good. I made it clear that I understood, it was me that reached out after all and I already knew his philosophy on this. I was a willing participant…Anyway, Friday morning never happened because something popped up. And since we’re nothing…I was okay with it. However, we’re not going to have the time to sleep together again for a few weeks because his best friend who is in love with him is in town for a while, and as soon as she leaves another friend of his (a woman he used to date in college) will be in town after that. I have another story I want to explain about this friend but I’ll save that for another entry.

I’m working on managing my expectations and maintaining clarity. It is hard because he’s definitely been reaching out to me first and I’ve been responding to him. I’m working on not being so eager to respond, and letting hours go by. Today I caught myself reaching out to him for acknowledgement and validation, but I was able to regain control over my thoughts and keep myself in check. Like I said before, I wouldn’t take all of this as a loss and like I’ve failed, because the most important thing for me to do is maintain clarity, boundaries and having no expectations. He is who he is, and because I’m knowingly sleeping with the devil I have to beware of the risks. I am. I’m definitely STRONGER. I just have to continue to work on myself to prohibit those feelings I get when wanting to over-indulge and overshare and share my feelings with him. I have to remind myself that none of those things matter to him. I have to be willing to be honest with myself and accept everything for exactly what it is and no read into every single thing that he says. His word is not law and should not affect me as much.

I will admit that I KNOW that I am on a slippery slope. His next move is already planned. I have to continue to be one step ahead and to really just not engage more than necessary. I caught myself at one point today wanting to be defensive about a comment he made. I quickly checked in with myself and worked through being able to let it go. Engaging or calling him out and expressing my feelings would have only made it worse. I’ve watched so many of those psychology of narcissism videos on YouTube, and because I’ve lived through it with him…I KNOW how that would have ended up, and I’d be the one suffering. It’s a WIN for me because he wasn’t able to shake me up.

After writing this entry I realize that I am not embarrassed or ashamed AT ALL. I’m human. I’m also not the exact same person that I was when he did have open access to hurting me. I’ve been doing the work, and it’s becoming second nature for me. I’m not perfect and I will continue to struggle for a while, but I’VE BEEN DOING THE WORK!