NSFW Admission in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

So, I have a more emotionally honest entry I was working on earlier in my other space. THAT entry, ironically, wasn’t saved to drafts and is just an open page on my work computer as I would take a break from Translating my Shakespeare. I did get a lot more done on that after work. WHILE still taking Nala to the dog park. But when questioned why we weren’t as consistent as we had been, I got to tell yet more people about the Shakespeare Production. Honestly, if the vague certainty of my imminent demise of heat stroke is enough to make this a sold out engagement? It will have been worth it. After dog park, Face Time Date with MNG to discuss and solidify plans for a face to face meet up. My first ever face to face meet up from a dating app… despite the fact that I’ve been using them since the end of 2019. But all of that is best left to a different space and not this space. In fact, that ENTIRE preamble has very little to do with what I intended to write and, in the grand scheme of things, is rather inappropriate considering the inspiration to actually write. But… hey. Inappropriate for being NOT “rude” (euphemism) is at least interesting or ironic.

But hey- let’s discuss sex, porn, and dirty things! lol. And let’s be potentially self-destructive and keep this at the most visible security level. Why not?!

So, there’s been something that is interesting that I’ve discussed a bit through various things. I won’t re-do the biography section but might share highlights.

Biggest thing to know? I was a nerdy, skinny, theater kid that most people thought was a closeted homosexual who grew up in purity culture. So… sex stuff has lots of emotional/mental fucked up shit in my existence. Even before the excessively withholding marriage.

So… there are a lot of things in this world that, frankly, I’ve not had a lot of experience with. Now… for better or worse… after the divorce… I had the.... Victoria/Essen period. Best way to summarize that? A married polyamorous woman thought I was cute and hardcore pitied me for being in a 15 year relationship that was clinically sexless decided to “help me” experience some of the sexual things I’d wanted to try and never had. And then she introduced me to her friend, I fell hard, and shit fell apart. Long story short.

But I share that to bring attention to (honestly) how exceptionally rare fellatio was in my life (I’m building to something, trust me. Well, I’m not building to anything important or interesting but I am building to something.) Honestly? Oral sex just… wasn’t part of my life. Hell, the honest statement is sex of any kind has mostly not been part of my life. In any way. But in my entire existence? I’ve orgasmed from sex at least… well… somewhere between 25 to 50 times in my life. I have orgasmed from fellatio exactly once. And yes… this close to 40 years old, being confident in such small numbers is NOT a great feeling… not that “quantity beats quality” but the fact that I was in a monogamous relationship for 15 years and this is my existence is somewhat upsetting. Because… Purity Culture means I intentionally and specifically tried to avoid sexual encounters until I met the woman I would marry. Of course, that had varying degrees of success. My violent, abusive, boundary obliterating ex girlfriend “went down” on me as part of the “WE WILL HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT EVEN IF I HAVE TO HURT YOU FOR IT!!” Which… that was… terrifying, embarrassing, and emotionally damaging. Of course, after that I met a woman I was… exceptionally attracted to. But wasn’t emotionally mature enough to be who I needed to be. But… she was… gosh, I wanted to say kind enough but I know better. She hated herself. And told me (specifically) that I was “not worth” a relationship. But she found me sexually attractive enough to have some kind of relationship with me… or she hated herself so much that she was willing to have some kind of relationship with me… either way? This is the ONE woman in my life that went down on me and brought me to orgasm. Just the once. And, if I’m being honest? This is an emotional concept. She came to see me, I was sick (low grade fever), she took care of me (and even cleaned my room a little), and then we made out heavily before she went down on me. THE IDEA THAT THE EXPERIENCE WAS CARING, SUPPORTIVE, PHYSICALLY ENGAGING, AND then SEXUAL I think is particularly important to… just everything about that exchange.

And then that was the last oral sex of any kind I would experience for… almost 2 decades. My now ex-wife expressly stated that she found the idea repugnant. Oh, she’d done it with all 16 boyfriends she’d had sex with before but… that’s what made me special. I cared about her before sexual contact. Which… I could spend PAGES unpacking that shit and understanding why the “Hey, he cares about more than sex” may have actually led to our marital issues; but that’s best for the OTHER space. Suffice it to say… my ex-wife had… very different sexual ideas than I. Including, but not limited to, (1) she found the fact that I found a woman’s arousal hot? disgusting; (2) she had no interest in exploring sex beyond “drunken missionary”; (3) Often reacted to my needs/come ons in the marriage as a disgusting nuisance. So… our marriage was not healthy in many ways and the exceptionally unhealthy sexual aspects were certainly an excellent indicator of shit. I will limit my recap to that because.... I’ll admit.... as I review that shit in our marriage to her current lifestyle? There is… no life there. Her post-divorce life certainly proves “He likes me regardless of sex, so no sex. He doesn’t like me unless sex- so all the sex.” Spending any more time reflecting on that would just.... hurt me and devolve into reputation bashing.

BUT… that brings us to ME at the age of 37 years old. Essentially, very minimal sexual experience let alone oral experience. To recap the post-divorce late 2020, early 2021? I learned how to go down on a woman. And I was exceptionally skilled at it (at least as it relates to the specific desires of my 2 partners). And they, in turn, were FAR more open to sexual content in general!! We experienced and explored more than simply drunken missionary. Both of my partners were even willing to put my penis in their mouth which.... again… had been almost two decades for me.

Now… if you follow my other space? Yes. It is true. I never orgasmed from these post-divorce encounters. And I am both ashamed and angry about that fact. Ashamed because it means, honestly, of the 4 women I have had consensual sexual experiences with? Only 2 of them were ever able to get me to orgasm and those two were… the one who said I was “genetically inferior” and the one who said I “wasn’t worth working on the relationship for.” So, there’s shame there. There is anger, too, as of the 4 partners I’ve had in any sexual realm… Victoria and Essen were, in some ways, exceedingly better partners in many ways. This is… merely factual. Unpleasant but factual.

So, in my nearly 40 years of life… my sexual experiences have RARELY involved receiving oral… and only once receiving oral to completion.

Which I share to frame the following:

As pornography is my only sexual stimulation/release these last few years, any insight/encounter or perspective gained about my sexual growth or diminishment stems from that. And while it has always been true, I find it personally relevant (so appropriate for sharing) that “Blow Job Videos” have just… never connected with me. To the point where I find them… boring?

This is worth mentioning and documenting for a few reasons. But the most important of which? Empathy! There are very few things I can watch in my life and NOT feel some form of kinship, personal identity, etc. Even in stories, my heart goes out to someone and I think of myself in relation to the story, And yet… truly… any video or story where Man Receiving Oral Sex is a focus? I just… I can’t support or get behind. Because I can’t relate. And that seems both interesting and unfortunate as hell!

That said? I am ecstatic that I learned how to eat a woman out because… of course… I bloody love it! I absolutely ADORE bringing my partner to orgasm. It’s just… well, rather a shame that I’ve not experienced a partner who feels the same about me.