Nothing like waking up in pain. Lower back aching, knee throbbing, a searing pain shooting up thru the bottom of your foot. Shoulder feeling like it is filled with broken needles, elbow, wrist and hand killing you as well.
You hobble down the steps, spikes of pain shooting thru your body. Each step hurts and fills you with pain and fear of falling down the steps and your shoulders hurt so bad and the hands are numb and achey, you just know that if you fall you will never catch yourself and you will be a heap on the floor or landing, then waiting to topple the rest of the way downstairs.
Then, finally arriving downstairs you open the blinds of the french door and hope to see a bright morning, only to be greated with a gray sky that seems as hopeless as I currently feel.
I want to crawl back up the steps, down the hall and hide in the bed, pile covers over me in hopes that I am in a dream, a nightmare and that if I awake again I may feel good, be pain free. I could handle a gray day if only I did not hurt so bad, if my hands were not so numb and tingly.
I sit down and take my blood glucose reading, part of the morning ritual. I calculate my insulin dosage and a little extra to allow for a breakfast. I pour out a handfull of pills that manage everything from diabetes to blood pressure, plus supplements that seems to help. Then I do a couple of injections that seem to burn like fire this morn. Finally I get to my coffee and a pain killer.
Now I sit here tippy tapping, waiting for the relief to wash over me. Some pain will go away, others are constant only high dosages of pain killer sweeping them away ever so briefly, only to return and remind me of the horrid physical shape I am in.
I hate crying in my coffee....
I am burnt out, tired, exhausted. I feel like a cinder laying on a cold hearth.
My mind is tired and achey as my body. There have been crying jags, emotional overflow like lava pouring from a volcano.
I want to sleep, but I am not sleep deprived, oh no, for I have medication for that too. A little pill and the brain shuts down, only at close to awakening time do the dreams come and when they do they are wild often emotion filled, ripping at my heart and soul.
I long for the long sleep, the sleep of escape. The sleep where pain does not find you. The sleep where you do not have to face the world, the disgust, the rage, the agony, the uselessness of it all.
I just do not know....
Loading comments...