Unmoved. in These Foolish Things

I don’t know what to tell you right now. It’s been a long time since I’ve updated, so I owe you (and myself) an entry to let you know what’s happening.

So the Monday before last was our first WFH and we all loved it. Then the rest of the week happened which was in-office and it was just as anxiety-inducing as ever.

Then yesterday was our second Monday WFH and I was anxious as HELL. I didn’t even eat breakfast or lunch. But I think a lot of it has to do with all of the extra product development work that’s been foisted upon me since the PD person quit.

I’m approaching 90 days with this job - but it feels like years and I still don’t know WTF is going on. This is the weirdest job I’ve ever had.

But it is also the highest paying job I’ve ever had so I have to think about that. I’m paid to figure out what’s going on. I need to snap out of this and get into the game. It’s truly sink or swim.

And speaking of exercise, I’ve broken my promise to myself to work up a sweat every day. I actually set my alarm every morning in time to get at least 30 minutes of exercise in AND get at least a 30 minute dog walk, but every morning I find myself wanting to lie in and relax and scroll on my phone until I feel like getting up…which is last minute because I don’t want to face the fucking day.

This is not working. This does NOT help.

I’m writing this down so I’ll keep my promise - GET MY EXERCISE IN EVERY MORNING!!!

I can’t do it at night because I’m literally depleted mentally and physically by the end of my workday every single day. So I have to do it in the morning.

I still love my mornings. Mornings always feel like a special little secret I keep to myself. I don’t know why…maybe it’s because I used to get up earlier than everyone else around me and have this special time to myself. But I do need to keep my promises to myself. I’ve been feeling guilty.

And I haven’t wanted to drag myself out of bed.

I’ve also been feeling very, VERY lonely.

Very.

I need to date. But I don’t want to do the apps.

There’s a pretty cool brewery a couple blocks from my office. Last Friday was Cinco de Mayo and I left the office around 6:30, and because I had Martini with me I decided to just take her for her evening walk to the brewery!

It was crowded, but I ordered a prosecco and proceeded to try to find a place to sit. I saw a dude sitting by himself at a table and asked him if I could join him and he was sort of keeping very much to himself, but he said yes.

After a while we got to talking. He was a very, very handsome and very, very young guy - successful and super nice and kind of new to the neighborhood like me. We had a great conversation and we actually had a lot in common and after a while it sort of felt a little bit like a date-y kind of thing and I started feeling weird.

So I left.

I was so sad when I got home.

I slept in on Saturday. Then I went to get my car fixed. Long story, but my rear view mirror fell off of my windshield and it was dangling by a couple of wires. It was the result of an improper cracked windshield replacement, but that’s besides the point. While I was waiting for my car to be fixed, I had their shuttle Uber service take me to the fancy shopping center between the service shop and my house because I didn’t want to go home. Instead I went to brunch and had a couple of drinks and really broke my non-drinking spell (even though I had drinks the night before, my solo brunch really brought the drinking point home for some reason).

Long story longer, I walked around for hours and then finally got my car and went home and was even lonelier.

Sunday I woke up in the BIGGEST funk I’ve been in for YEARS. I laid in bed for hours and when I finally got up I took myself out drinking again because I was longing for human interaction.

The weather was glorious and I didn’t want to go to my dumb local (I don’t like that place anymore - I’ll tell you why some other time), so I went to another “local” a little further away and plunked myself down at the outdoor bar (Martini next to me in her own barstool) and ordered more prosecco.

I talked to a few people and then some dude sat down next to me and he was nice enough, but so not my type, and I could tell he was kinda into me but not really and so we were both just drinking and biding our time. It was fine, but not fulfilling.

I went home and felt so fucking depressed that I found myself in bed at 5pm.

And then of course, yesterday was Monday. I got up and did the whole stressed out thing again.

This is not the way to live.

I must make changes.

Starting with my promises to myself to get myself up in the morning and move my body.

I will start with that tomorrow. Promise.

So for tonight, I bid you goodnight so I can rest up for my new day.

Love,
GS