If I'm being honest, I'm not being honest in Journey Back to ME

I think the most crucial part of truly accepting and understanding and moving forward from the emotional abuse I endured is being 100% honest.

My 100% honest truth in this moment of my typing this is that I miss him. When you’ve been isolated and that person is the only person that has been there for you (or I should say that person made me feel like they were the only person who was there for me), the attachment is probably the hardest part to let go of.

Friday truly was a win for me. Seeing him in person for the first time since I vowed to be DONE. While I had prepared myself to be UNBOTHERED and to make it through the event unscathed, the truth is that as soon as I saw him I YEARNED for him. I yearned for the closeness, and how normally at school events like this we would be right beside each other laughing and giggling at jokes only he and I understood. I immediately wanted to “fix it” and reach out. I immediately started questioning myself and blaming myself....”maybe I am making something out of nothing.” “Maybe I am blocking my own blessings and self sabotaging myself”. “Maybe it IS me.” “Maybe I just don’t understand him the way he needs to be understood”....I know that these things are not true, but mourning my friendship, my relationship and the future this person and I planned has been the hardest thing. We were never officially anything other than “dating”, so the severity of the attachment is probably the hardest thing for me to understand about his control over me. I DO love this person. That’s the craziest part. I genuinely love this person. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it makes me human. Regardless of how much he hurt me, I still love him.

The times we had weren’t ALL bad, so it’s easy for me to slip back into thinking about those “great times”. I’ve also been doing a great job at being realistic in those moments when I’m struggling because this person really hurt me to my core in a way that I’ve never been hurt. Regardless of the attachment or the residual love, what he put me through is unforgiveable. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this mental torture, and moments of pure panic or extreme sadness and guilt that I feel in regards to how things got to where they are now. I never deserved any of this. I have these moments where I just want to reach out and end this whole thing. And then I find myself questioning myself…I think about whether cutting someone off that I feel this intensely about is the right thing to do.

And sometimes I get caught up in the moment and I fantasize about what it would be like if I just picked up the phone or just went and showed up. My head tells me we’d cry together and work through it and everything will be great…however, the history of our relationship tells me that reaching out would be just like handing him a lit match and expecting him not to set me on fire. In reality, he would scold me for abandoning him. I would be every name in the book and be made to feel guilt or shame for leaving a situation that no longer served me. The blame would all be placed on me, and he would retreat into the victim role where every single thing would be my fault. He would lash out at me and the cycle would begin again…no amount of apologizing or taking accountability would make a difference because he would just make me feel like I’m not enough and like nothing I could do or say would be enough. He would have me questioning my entire existence and my purpose in this world. He would insult me as a woman, and question by intelligence profusely. He would COMPLETELY STEAM ROLL ME. I wouldn’t be able to get a word in otherwise and by the time I would be questioning why the hell I reached out, he’d be insulting my lack of boundaries for myself.

That’s the reality. Which is why I still stand strong. The person he presents himself as to those on the outside is EXTREMELY confident and attractive. You just want to be around this person just to say that you were. However, the truth is all of those ugly things he speaks to me and about me is how he feels about himself. He lacks confidence and self worth, and it’s a game for him to bring those around him down all the while making it look like everyone else is the problem. A master manipulator.

He’s not my Prince Charming. He will never show up on his white horse to save me. That is not who he IS. This will never change. Letting go is hard.

Right before I put my kids in bed there was a knock at the door. My gut immediately hoped it was him. I knew deep down it wouldn’t be because he’s just not that guy, but I hoped. Anyway it was his friend that lives in my buildings kids and they wanted to use my phone to call their mom. I was hoping…

But that’s the reality of it. If I’m going to be waiting on him to show up, apologize, take responsibility, take accountability, profess his love, and woo me with a grand gesture....I will forever be doing just that…hoping.

I will take this as yet another win because as much as I want to reach out, I haven’t. I’ve also been able to counteract the romanticizing with true brutal honesty. It hurts, but I am happier because he no longer has access to hurting me. If that is the ONLY win I wake up with every day then I’m definitely still WINNING.

Last updated May 08, 2023