I am woman, I am fearless, I am sexy, I'm devine in Journey Back to ME

Today was the day that I faced the devil himself.

I woke up this morning about 30 minutes before my alarm was to go off and I went on pinterest and started pinning affirmations:

-I am whole and complete
-Life supports me in every way possible
-Every decision I make is the right one for me
-It’s okay for me to have everything I want
-I am an attractive and loveable person
-I love myself unconditionally
-I was born worthy
-I am worthy of love as I am now

You get the gist, but for 30 minutes straight I focused on only positive affirmations, and not the ones that are pseduo positive with a hint of negative (ie; “You’re worthy of love even if no one else sees it”). I just wanted to focus only on the positive. If it gave me any sort of negative feeling to read it or if it contained any of the buzzwords that he uses consistently (“healing”, “self-love”, “grow into yourself” “be your best self” then I immediately ignored it because it brought me negative feelings. Some of those negative things encourage me to ruminate (play over and over again the things that happened, were said to me…), so I was trying to just focus on moving forward.

As I drove to the school I blasted Sun Comes Up by James Arthur with an emphasis on these lyrics:

Suddenly the sun comes up
And I feel my love floodin’ back again,
Until the sun comes up
And I feel my love comin’ up again

Suddenly the sun comes up
And the dark is gone
We made it to the dawn
And I don’t miss you anymore
When the sun comes up
I can feel my love comin’ back again

And then I went inside. He wasn’t there yet. HIs daughter saw me before my daughter did. I waved at her, and then went and fixed my daughters wig (she was Lucille Ball), and then his daughter called me over to her. I went over and embraced her. I gave her the biggest hug and told her that I missed her so much. She said “I haven’t seen you in so long!” It broke my heart, but I was happy to see her and be there to support her regardless of the fact that she will never know why I am not around anymore. Shortly after that, her dad arrived and he came with his friend who lives in my building. I laughed on the inside because OF COURSE he gets to come with an emotional support friend while I had to endure our first encounter alone. I didn’t dwell on it, I made note that she is his friend at the end of the day, and that I was there to mind my own business and focus on seeing the 2nd graders be great! My confidence levels were quite high. I wore a nice dress (for ME), I had on heels, jewelry, push-up bra, my hair looked excellent and I smelled amazing…there was NOTHING that could bring me down from the cloud that I was on. I mingled with the mothers that I knew. I didn’t have an ounce of anxiety, I was just there to complete my mission. Our paths didn’t cross not ONCE. I went to my daughter first, and his daughter second (she was Jim Henson), and then I spent the next 30 minutes checking out some of the other kids’ presentations. It was a really nice event. These kids worked really hard and the costumes were phenomenal. 7 and 8 year olds reciting biographies from memory. It was mind blowing and quite enjoyable.

When I left, my ex was out in the parking lot. I was so happy that he showed up when I was leaving as I didn’t want to be inside WITH him since we did not come together. He said he had stopped by the gas station beforehand on the hunt of a single flower to give my daughter, but they didn’t have any. He brought my daughter and the guys daughter a king size candy bar.. that was EXTREMELY thoughtful. I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when he rolled in in his wheelchair and was seen by He who shall not be named, but at the same time I was glad that I wasn’t.

Backstory is that technically master manipulator STOLE me from my ex. However, ex wasn’t really that great toward me in the end which left the door wide open for me to be swept off of my feet. And then once ex kicked me and my kids out, the manipulator welcomed me and my children into his home with open arms and THAT is when HE started to reveal his true self to me. That was only the beginning…anyway, so my ex doesn’t know the FULL extent of my romantic relationship with the manipulator, but I did let him know about the emotional abuse that I had endured once I realized exactly what it was. You have to remember that I know the manipulator because our daughters go to school together, are in cheer together, play volleyball together…etc. So we knew the manipulator loosely before things heated up between us. Actually, in the beginning of the year, every time the manipulator invited me over, the offer was on the table for my ex (then boyfriend) to come over to his house too. However, my ex ALWAYS declined. I continued to go over with my kids, and socialized with the manipulator and his friends. The kids had a good time, I had a good time…and eventually my ex began to get jealous of how much time I was spending with the manipulator and that’s how it all started....

The point of this entry is really that I did something extremely bad ass today and I LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT FEAR! I didn’t need anyone to have my back because I HAD MY OWN BACK!

Last updated May 07, 2023