I got into Joni Mitchell's Blue in the first half of 2023 in Songs

I did actually do an update entry on time, but I privated it. I’m so tired of complaining out loud. I am also becoming embarrassed by it, it is like I’m so consumed and volatile at the drop of an perceived slight or whatever. Also the part where I turn around and make forgivings or new allowances, it’s embarrassing that I will wail so long about it first.
So whatever, private griefs only now for a while.

I guess since last writing I’ve had the girls trip and I’ve also had the art market. The girls trip was fine, I was out of my mind the whole time somehow, just buzzed out and teetering between blank slate and pretty emotional. The first night was great since it was just me and two others and we watched a B movie that was actually pretty bonkers… it’s called Smooth Talk and it stars Laura Dern and she’s a teenager figuring her sexuality out and she has this harrowing coerced rape at the end that was really the most intense without being graphic… very well treated honestly but the movie was so bizarre in its pacing and whathave and I was really not expecting the rape at the end ? Anyway, I slept poorly that night, and every night after because I shared a bed with Joelle who would fidget all night until 7am when she’d finally fall asleep and then I’d get up at 8 and start the day with a creamy coffee with rumchata. Honestly… delish. Also honestly, it can be fun to indulge on vacation but between the drinking, the barely eating, sleeping and dehydrating myself pretty intensely in the hot tub I think I really ill-prepared my immune system for an allergy week from hell following.
But I grilled, I kayaked, I paddle boated even. I started a fire during which at some point I burned and dried the heck out of my throat trying to restart with embers. I stretched, and most of all I hot tubbed. It was a smattering of girls, from different places and phases of my life. I got some compliments on the crew selection lol, which is great and I’m glad I was able to choose people in a way that made everyone feel comfortable an included, but I was depressed and exhausted from the marathon that was a year of 6-day week mix of school and work. Maybe I wished I kept it smaller, so I’d feel less like a wisp in the wind among everyone. Maybe feeling like a wisp in the wind is just something that happens sometimes though, and it was really a good crew to be wisping in.

Art market was a fine, a very chill foray into that whole biz, down the street from the more intimidating and exhausting art market. It is mostly insane that people are going to the big intimidating and exhausting art market, but Pat actually played there which was cool, even though I missed his set lol. I had seen the same set a week earlier. It was a hit though, and people loved it and he was proud of himself for once which was nice. He did leave me high and dry at the end of the night though at the art market I was at, but luckily friends helped me load my stuff back in my car.

I largely feel such a push and pull with Pat, I get so mad that he won’t help me pack up my art market stuff and come home with me and buy me a burger on the way, but then I’m also so proud of him and continue to find him interesting and cool for making it to all the gigs and shows in his community, I’m also thankful that he’s not buying me another burger so I can have the ham sandwich I’d been needing to eat before the bread goes bad. I am pushed and pulled by his habit of making eating such an extraordinary event… it means I’m eating the best, most complex and healthiest meals but it also irks the side of me that loves to practical eat based on perishability or have a dumb gross easy frozen meal from time to time. I feel very into him but also there’s no one in the world who makes me lose my shit like him, I never expected to be a crazy love kind of girl but I kind of feel like I’m here.
I read something from a Lana Del Rey interview about how if the person in a relationship who is more ambivalent decided to go in with two feet then the universe will find a way to separate them if it’s not meant to be. I’m not trying to take magical thinking seriously from LDR but I guess I am somewhat. Whatever, we will see. I got really mad at him and flipped out a bit this past Saturday and told him not come home. Kind of toxic of me, we’re kind of toxic I guess. I feel a bit Britney Spears here. It’s intoxicating, really the sex is so good and the meals he makes for us are soooo special like… he’ll only do something if it’s difficult and he keeps his standards for performance high.. these meals are amazing. On top of that he’s cute and sweet, knowledgeable and likeable so that even when I’m blind with rage for whatever reason, the next day I still want him in my life.

Venus has been in my rising sign for some time now, and it’s nearing my ascendant degree. I am having many moments this year so far where astrology hasn’t made sense for me. Like when my venus return I was sick and tired and so cancelled all my plans. However sometimes it made sense like when Saturn sat directly on top of my sun and moon and I fell off a ladder and sprained my ankle. I’m looking forward to this spring and summer for some light.