Processing the emotional abuse. in Journey Back to ME

Last week was pretty rough for me. Not because I’m missing him, but because I’m starting to worry about what he thinks about. I mean, in some ways I wish I could be as heartless and disconnected as he is. Do you think he’s at his house sitting around thinking about what I may think about him? That’s a big HELL NO! Not only is he not sitting around giving a single fuck about what I think, he will stand by everything he’s said 100% and not think twice about not apologizing. No matter how hurtful his words, it doesn’t affect him. He gets to be unaffected whilst I’m painted as the bad guy. Everything could be a fairytale for me if I could just “handle his bluntness” and not take things the wrong way. If I was more accepting of who HE is. If I just took every single suggestion he made… (these are not my own thoughts)

Those are the thoughts I think other people have.

WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?!

Also, I think about how after that last conversation, I cannot in my right mind ever reach out to him or even talk to him. I don’t even want to be in the same proximity of him without an apology. I also understand that he is incapable of giving me an apology. I think about how he is and how he probably just thinks I’m giving myself space to heal and move on from him (which was the conversation we had that day BEFORE he immediately spent hours speaking some of the worst things anyone has ever said about me in my life). Maybe he thinks he’s the one giving ME space. Why do I care? Well, I feel like me not knowing if he knows for sure that I am 100% done takes some of my power away. If he thinks I’m just sitting around pining for him and waiting to heal to be his friend, then it totally makes me feel like he cannot see me standing up to him! Standing up for myself FOR ONCE. Showing that I CHOSE ME over the constant psychological abuse. Showing him that he wasn’t worth another moment of my time. It’s my moment, and I feel like he gets to sit back and minimize it by saying something cliche like “it is what it is”. “she’ll need me before I need her”, “I’ll be here when you’re ready to be bothered with us”. I feel like it completely strips away my POWER. My inability to hurt him back emotionally because he doesn’t care enough, is the actual problem for me. I can’t hurt him the way that he hurt me because he doesn’t have the heart that I do.

I didn’t see his car at all during the drop off line in the morning last week (it was his week with his daughter). One day my daughter was like 2-3 minutes late and I had to drop her off at the front of the building, and I thought I saw his car, but I didn’t look too closely. This week is going to be a HUGE week for me because Friday is the presentation of the kids Biography projects. They’re doing a “Wax Museum” presentation. I don’t know where they’ll be doing it, but I know that he’ll definitely be there for his daughter, and I am definitely going to be there for mine. However, I’m hoping that if I just come and see my daughter only then I can be in and out. It’s during her school day which is also during my school day, so if I came in and out quickly, no one would judge me right? I don’t have to walk around to EVERY second grader to hear their memorized speech do I? This will be our FIRST run in. The week after this will be the awards ceremony which is also giving me a source of anxiety because I just cannot predict how it is going to go.

I do know one thing. I am strong. I am mentally strong. I can, and I WILL get through this. I don’t owe him the time of day. Let alone do I owe him a conversation. I don’t owe him politeness. I have every right to pretend that he does not exist and to continue on with my day. I also have to rid myself of the guilt I’ll feel for probably avoiding his daughter’s performance as well. Get in and get out with being affected as little as possible. This is where I am right now, and that is okay. I don’t have to be the STRONGEST, but I need to be STRONG ENOUGH. I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

I was a little nervous at one point last week because his friend that lives in my building reached out to me letting me know that she had a treat she wanted to give me. Based on our limited friendship, I wasn’t 100% sure if it would be something from her or from him. She’s in mechanic school and friend of hers has been looking at my car due to it leaking coolant. So she told me to meet her at her school Thursday evening so that he could work on my car and she gave me the TREAT. It was stuffed bell peppers (with BEYOND crumbles)! Very delicious if I might say so. Once she handed me the food it perplexed me even more because HE likes to cook for people. He enjoys the attention that being a good cook gives him. He does amazing with making sure there is always a vegetarian option for me, so it SCREAMED HIM! Although at the same time, her wife is a vegetarian and she and her wife both can cook, I just haven’t had their food when we’ve been together because HE is the one that is always cooking when we’re all together. I didn’t want to be rude, so I reached out to her Friday evening and explained how grateful I was for the food, and how kind it was of her to share it with me. That’s when she explained that it was made using Beyond Cumbles and she seemed very flattered that I had liked them. WHEW! So that answered my question…because if the food had been from HIM then I would know for sure that he somehow isn’t clear or aware that I am done with him.

I think my issue is that I want to see him grovel. There just isn’t a glory moment for me in that sense of seeing him be hurt. I have to accept that I am happy with making the best choice for me and my kids by cutting all ties. I am happy with choosing MYSELF and no longer being put through strenous psychological and emotional abuse, constantly feeling like I had done something wrong, and being stressed out and exhausted by constantly trying to prove myself and my worthiness to someone who didn’t deserve to be in the same room as me let alone have this much control over me.

I’m FREEEEE…and I really don’t think I’ve fully accepted what that looks like yet.

Last updated May 07, 2023