Dear Note Leaver Friday, January 09, 2004

If I were to forgive everyone that hurt me what would that make me?

Would it make me a Saint? I don't know.

Would that make it easier for me to get into Heaven? Maybe.

Would it make me any better of a person? I don't know.

Tell me World, what would it make me? When people look at me will they be able to just look at me and see that I am a forgiving, trustworthy, person? No.

I just don't know what it would do for me to forgive someone that hurts me. Especially when I had forgiven the person so many times.

There's a person in my life that has been just one long never-ending lie. Everything about him was a big lie. Even when he stopped living with his g/f and came back he brought me a flower and said he wanted to try for a relationship again with me. Then he just wanted to be friends. Then he said he cared so much about me that he would never hurt me. Then he said that he just didn't feel like he used to about me. Then he said that he wanted to marry me. Then he said that I should date someone else. Then he said he cared. Then he didn't. This went on for about 2 years. Then one day the girl he left called me and said him and her have been together for about 3 years. So everything he actually had said to me was all a big fat ugly lie. I was sincerely hurt. I cried a bit, but not nearly as much as her. However, the thing that tore me apart the most was the fact that he had been telling his g/f that I was the one stalking him. He told her that I wouldn't leave him alone... which is so entirely untrue, for every night before I went to bed I would pray to God that God would give me the strength to let go of him. I would pray that God would make him stop calling me so that I would stop answering the phone. I knew down deep in my heart that he was being dishonest to me, but I couldn't let go of the hope that I was wrong. So now, perhaps he wants to be forgiven. Which is STILL being dishonest for he won't even sign his fucking name at the bottom of a short note. He STILL won't be HONEST. So why world... why should I forgive him? And an even bigger question... How can I believe that what he wants from me is to forgive him so we can be friends? After everything he had said to me was a lie... After all the things I was lead to believe was just a lie. 3 long fucking years of lie after lie, why should I believe him this time? Even when he put in his note that he couldn't sign his name just in case he wants to deny it later? What the fuck?

So easily I say, "No, Keith, I can't forgive you, and I won't forgive you UNLESS you prove to me that you

1 are sorry for what you did.

2. Prove to me that you will not lie

3 Prove to me that something you said to me in the past was the truth.

4 Can be a true friend to me by never being untruthful to me, by not using me for anything, not using my friends for anything, enjoying time with me, going in public with me, Sticking up for me IN FRONT OF YOUR friends, making me feel like a friend, and lastly giving me more than one reason to want to be your friend again.

5 Admit that you lied to me to my face with your own words and make me know that you regret what you have done....

6 Lastly, tell the girls that I work with every day, the girls that have seen my tears, the girls that have helped me through the pain, tell them that you won't hurt me again and ask them if they would forgive you. And if they both say yes... and only if they say yes then I will forgive you because I TRUST them and BELIEVE them when they tell me something. So if they believe I should forgive you then and only then will we be friends again.

So as you can see, it's not going to be easy this time. I have been hurt and lied to by you and others too many times to just go back to being your friend. This time I have to know our friendship is important to you too... and not just important to me. I refuse to be hurt by you again. I deserve better. I have pride. And I have real true friends, which care about me so I know the difference between having good friends and having someone just bring me down.

I am happy with out you, Keith. I cried when you were in my life. Why would I forgive you when I am so much happier with out you? Don't get me all wrong though, I did have fun with you when we played Monopoly. I did have fun with you when we watched movies. But Keith, you have to realize that I have fun with out you too. I would be thankful if you put forth the effort to be friends with me again. I would love to be able to call you a real friend. However, I know how you are. This is probably just one of those things where you want a challenge and that's all it is. Or maybe you have some bet with your brother again. All I know is, I am not going to be sad with out you. However, I wouldn't be unhappy with your friendship either.

Her

"Remember some people are snakes." Dear Note Leaver Pt. 3 [Friends Only Entry] Saturday, January 10, 2004

Oh and by the way, I know you really never said if you wanted to be friends again or not. However, if you do, leaving notes in my diary and telling me you can't sign your name because you might want to deny our friendship later...

IS NOT THE WAY TO DO IT!!!!

Why don't you try calling me and trying to set up a date and time that we can talk? Because trust me, leaving blank messages on my yahoo messenger and leaving unsigned notes in my diary is not going to ever work.

See how open and honest I am? See how I spell everything out for you to ensure nothing is complicated for you? You keep telling me how difficult your life is, so I want to make it a little bit easier. All you have to do is be honest with me, and your life will become easy. It's that easy. Call now. (cell phone not work number... You see, the girls have a small problem hanging up on Kumbi so they might do it to you too)

Her