unspoken in 2014

7:57pm

I have this horrible habit of failing to sit down and write entries after big events in my life. I think it's just one of those things that's slightly overwhelming. Like I want to say All.Things! and I can't figure out how to put them into words. I procrastinate so long that it doesn't even make sense to type it out anymore.

So here I am, freshly back from Vegas and I'm going to try to type and see how things flow. I'm not sure I'll get it all out in one sitting, or if it'll turn out the way I want it to, but it's worth a shot. Better than nothing, right?

I wish there were a way to record events as they happen. A mental notebook that I can pick up later and put onto paper [or screen]. Because I work everything out in my head after it happens and then I forget it all by the time I find a moment to write. That's part of the reason why I stall so long. Trying to remember the way it was worded so perfectly only hours, or days, before.

Las Vegas was fun. It was the first time I was able to join the ladies for their Mother's Day tradition, and even though only two others showed up this year, it was nice to finally take part in the celebration. This is actually the first year they've been able to get together in like the last five or six, so maybe we'll continue the tradition from here on out.

I came back with all my money. That definitely makes the trip easier to handle. hah. I was super worried about going. Maybe I mentioned that? But it turned out about a hundred times better than I imagined. No creepy weird/drunk 20 somethings that annoy the heck out of me. Mostly just older people and fewer crowds. One of the benefits of going during the week, I imagine. Plus we avoided most of the fancier popular hotels because we didn't explore too much. It was a quick trip and there was a lot of catching up to do.

Those ladies start early though! It feels like one of those times that you need a vacation to recover from your vacation. They're up early and ready to go before 8 in the morning. I usually like to sleep in a little more than that when I'm on a break from life, but ah well. It always seems to work out that way. I get more sleep at home on a normal day. Mostly I don't want to come off as the youngster that can't keep up, although everyone already knows that my Mother and her friends can party way harder than I can.

The whole trip was mostly just gambling, and eating, and talking. All the ladies did pretty bad this time around. I joked with Mom about how they must all be really lucky in love, whereas I must be lucky in money. ha. Mom cursed all those old men that follow her around. ;-)

Speaking of men: I've started contemplating this concept about writing "letters" to all the men that I meet and happen to impact my life in some way. It just sorta seems fitting for the kind of life I lead [you know, the perpetually single kind. Mostly by choice, these days!] But I can't really figure out the details of how to put it together at the moment. So maybe I'll just mention them in here and then go back to it later if I decide it'll be a fun project.

Like Mr. 33F who sat next to me on the plane. He was interesting. Reading a book titled, "heart & fist" which my gutter mind initially thought was like one of those dirty "50 Shades" kind of books. haha! Turns out it was actually about the military...I was reading by side glancing at the pages and trying not to be too obvious about it. He had an interesting watch on and I remember my heart skipping ever so slightly when he stretched out his leg and almost touched mine. It felt like one of those kind of connections at the moment.

You know, until we landed, he closed his book, and I saw that shiny gold piece of metal on his left hand. Funny thing is that I'd thought to myself earlier in the flight, "he's either gay or married. for sure." Turns out I'm better at picking those out than I thought I was. haha. But it made for the conclusion that I didn't have to think about CK all the time. That there were other people out there to ponder. That men can look really good with greying hair. (ha!) And it was just nice to sit next to him for a while.

Or Doug at the Cromwell who reminded me that it was ok to be friendly with people. He came to help me with a machine and he was so nice and genuine seeming. Asking me nice questions with that huge smile plastered on his face. He just seemed to be radiating that uber friendly demeanor and I kind of wanted to sit there all day and feed off his enthusiasm. The machine he was working on ended up getting stuck and after the next one ate all my money, I made a joke about it being horrible and walked away. I could hear him calling out all kinds of niceties after me. "good luck" "have a nice day" etc.

Sometimes it's easy to forget people can be that nice. Thank you Cromwell Doug for reminding me.

And I also learned that people are still condescending pricks as well: Josh, the jerk, at Outback I'm looking at you.

Man I don't even know where to start with that guy. He was so rude to my family/friends. I disliked him right off the bat, with that horrible attitude and condescending way of speaking to people. Ack. It makes me slightly angry just recalling the moments.

When everyone got around to ordering drinks I ended up choosing water and the girls snickered. They were drinking, but I'd had a couple beers earlier and didn't feel like paying full price for a drink anymore. [thank you Vegas and your slot machine drinks!] He immediately made some comment about how I was hungover. I'm not sure I responded, just sat in silence in my corner reading the menu.

Later he said something about how they were going to need to get me some jager bombs or something to wake me up. I remember saying, "maybe later" and probably shot him some dirty looks. The way he was talking in that tone and then making comments, that I'm sure were supposed to be jokes but came off as rude, totally upset me. Like I had to turn towards the window and ignore the world for a while because I didn't want to like cry in front of everyone. hah.

The ladies started giving me a hard time. Dora hadn't heard what he said and mom mentioned it and how I got all serious and silent. I went off on a short rant about how he was an idiot and I accidentally cursed in Spanish in front of my friends. I'm usually really good about cursing in front of other people that aren't my family but it just slipped. That's how upset I was.

I heard him talking to the table behind us about jager bombs. He must really like those things. Typical prick. ;-P

At some point during this he had come over to pick up some menus on our side of the table. He reached really close to me and I swore he'd touched my shoulder, but maybe I imagined that part. We ended up ordering, me still not making much eye contact and refusing to thank him for anything, but I'd finally looked right at him when I placed the order and realized he was harmless. heh. It also drove me nuts the way he'd call everyone "miss" or "honey". Like he'd insult you and then call you "miss" as if he were your friend. Irritating beyond words!

There were several of these moments happening. To the point where the ladies started saying how I'd made him all nervous and flustered. Mom made a joke about how he was in trouble because he'd brought out their soup/salad and then someone showed up with the same order. He did more of his snickety comment thing. One time he came over to fill my water glass and it splashed towards me. He said something like "oh hello!" and then someone commented on it and he made a joke about how he needed to "wake this one up." More silence from me. Dora later joked after dinner about how I'd start taking double shots now and I laughed but ignored whatever he was saying.

This all culminated in the moment that changed it all and I should have known would happen: he came over near the end to pick up some dishes and start cleaning up the table. He was standing next to me. I'm sure this was mostly because we were at a six top and I sat near the wall while everyone was at the other end, so there was an empty chair in-between me and my friend. He started slowly moving and stacking things towards the center of the table and as he stood so close to me, he leaned into me. Like full on arms touching kind of lean. At first I thought maybe it was an accident. You know, he'd gotten too close to me while moving in or whatever.

But this was completely intentional. I moved ever so slightly and he pressed into me again while I just sat there trying to act like nothing at all was happening. It felt like he was there for ever, but really it couldn't have been more than a minute. He was moving exceptionally slow. Stalling to clear the table and picking up crumbs that he'd obviously never get. All the while just leaning into my arm.

Obviously I didn't move away. I can't help myself. Connections are few and far between and it sorta makes me feel all kinds of "HA!" knowing that I can somehow break through that arrogance. Because in that moment it seemed like such a tender thing to do.

I know it's crazy, but I guess I attract this kind of thing. Just like hitler and how I absolutely disliked him when we first met [because he was the same kind of condescending jerk] and somehow we ended up with this completely unspoken bond. The kind that I still miss to this day. The way we had all these little moments. I mean I can play out all the scenes for you. The exact way I ran into him in the hall. The moment when he stopped me, weeks later, to ask if I was ok. The day he leaned over real close to type something out on the computer. Those were the last moments with him. Standing over at the other printer discussing graduation and work stuff. I can show you the complete picture. Up until the dragon lady walked in, interrupted the whole thing, and he took off without finishing.

But I digress.

It's weird to completely connect with a stranger like that. I'll never see that guy again. But it was like he was reaching out to me without actually reaching out. If that makes any sense. I can never really explain these situations because they happen so fast and everyone else always seems totally oblivious to the moment. Like it was just something between the two of us and I won't share it with anyone [but here].

This was exactly what I needed. In some weird, crazy, irritating sorta way I needed this. Because suddenly I have the distraction to draw me away from the CK thing. [It doesn't hurt that I had a strange dream about him the other night either.] Now everything seems so different. Like maybe I was really just playing it all up in my head, the way I tend to do. That's probably an entry for another day. It's just nice to know there are still people out there who I could possibly have a connection with. Even one of those unexplainable unspoken ones.

rose. 10:32pm

p.s. I'm also pretty sure I saw that jerk changing over in the back of the restaurant. He'd finished with our table and we were just sitting there hanging out. I saw several people towards the back, one of which I'm almost positive was him. Then I saw bare arms and tattoos and eventually a black shirt go over his head. I never saw him again after that. He must have been leaving for the day, but still...what a prick move just changing in front of everyone like that ;)

Last updated July 31, 2014