near the surface in 2014

5:30pm

Well, it turns out I'm totally not a woman of my word!

So much for "refusing" to contact CK again and all that bs I rambled on about. After one [or six] too many beers last night I lost all pride I had and shot him a text joking about how we were waiting for him to watch a musical the other night. [He's expressed his hatred for musicals and he knew we were over babysitting again.] He laughed and the conversation continued for the next few hours; up until about midnight when I fell asleep. He was responding like one or two minutes after I would send a text and then I would try to stall on replies. Didn't want to seem too eager. hah. I did tell him that I was tipsy and he should ignore most of what I said, so at least I was up front about it.

Apparently he'd gone to a birthday party after the dinner thing [I mentioned how we thought someone was breaking into his house. haha] and maybe drank too much whiskey. He didn't actually admit to very much, except having a hangover. He's very hush-hush and secretive about his life. At one point I promised I wouldn't make fun of him and said, "don't you trust me!?" Of course his response was all weird and avoid-y and sent up a total trust issue flag. He called it "risky business" and I don't know what else.

I say "of course" that was his answer because I'm beginning to realize that he's exactly like me. Like the male version of me. Had the tables been turned, I would have avoided the question too. [and probably began to contemplate my run in the other direction] I think that's why he's moving so slow with everything. He doesn't even want to push the friend thing too far, too fast. It makes sense. I bet he's got some really good stories to tell. The heartbreaking kind, it seems. So I'll try not to push, but I did hint at what if you "lay your cards down too late?" [because he'd turned the conversation into a poker game analogy.]

I guess it's interesting to be on this side of things. I was a lot more open with responses last night because of my alcohol intake but I still wouldn't have gone too deep. I like to tread the water. Right there near the surface. He seems to like to do the same. And I'm seeing that being over on this side helps keep you safe. I get to ask all the questions, but don't have to divulge any of the answers. Maybe this is where I should have been all along; in control. I can't help but want to crack him though! Burst through that outer shell and into the inner world.

See, I think, he's already given me the lesson I was supposed to receive from him. I kind of think that maybe this is his. This is what I'm supposed to help him do. Realize the world isn't so horrible. A year ago I would have been looking at the world through those same jaded, cynical eyes, but I can't do that anymore. As much as I tried to put myself into his position I just kept thinking about how it's not that bad. The world isn't really that awful and humans aren't all that way either.

This is why I can't let go!! He's too damn intriguing. I want to know all his secrets and stories. I want to sit out on the porch with him on one of those warm summer nights and listen to his entire life starting from day one.

Is that crazy? That's totally crazy!

I'm going to try not to try so hard. Let it simmer slowly. But my patience is horrible and apparently I don't do anything that I say I'm going to do. Like I'll probably send him another hundred texts before the day's done. hah. I kid! I won't go that far. It feels like one of those "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em" kind of situations that I'm forever stuck in. If he just tells me one secret, or makes just one kind of gesture I don't expect, I'll be done.

Only it's hard to understand what "done" really means in that context. It could go either way. ;-)

rose.
6:06pm

Last updated July 29, 2014