'>......exit. relapse. love. grandmother.
Warning: Fairly Worrisome
No Advice
again. copied from an email and edited:
'So, on the one hand, I want to leave him. bc upon thinking about it.........yeah. I don't want to stick to my promise.
[oh so. to clarify. short term, yeah I want to leave him. long term........well.no. We just surpassed our 4 month on the 2nd, so. and the last time we had a near-breakup was this time last month].
To explain: yesterday a.m. [now Tues.], I promised him I'd eat 1 thing a day. for him. yeah ok that's not a big thing. [he, like me, doesn't ask for much if anything].
But:
A: I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't change for anyone but me, if I changed at all.
and 2: to preface it. - please be honest. if you think differently, ok - but when he made me promise that he's like 'you love me right?'...................well yeah of course i do. but isn't that like going 'well if you love me you'll do this'. ??
oh god no............no............
I know he comes from an abusive household [actually that's why his dad wasn't in the picture. few years back he passed which, much as i hate to say it, is really for the better since he was abusive. before the passing, obviously]. yeah and so do I. well, in a sense though not to that level. and i've read that's one of the signs of someone who is. even though up untill this point he.......wasn't like that.
I would never do that. my god.
That actually is one of the few things that will make me break up w/ you. or at the very least stop talking to you. like um wow yeah fukoff. [not you. obviously].
Well I mean..........I don't want to leave him, as stated. But at the same time I have to do what's best for me. even if it's just not talking to him for awhile. it's about me he's proven that.
er......................................
My 2nd point: I want to change. i think. well i do and i don't. i was
starting to and then i got thrown into it farther/quicker than I wanted. i'm scared to change.
W/ addictions..........you. well you.........you eventually get to a point where you give up your indepence. bc you've not really got a choice.
Oh, right.
I know what I want to do even if I won't fully admit it. I feel like if I fully admitted it I'd phone him and go 'you know, the past 4 months have been good but..........' like I did last time.
You know, before. i didn't have this much responsibility.
Oh, so. as stated. [this is something that i'd been feeling before I spend this past weekend w/ him], I want to 'exit'. bc. it's just too much. always has been. you know me [well. at least a little bit] i go through cycles where, things are really awful and i'm depressed/numb/apathetic/don't eat/w/e and then.........stuff gets better. and then i fall down again. and then it gets better. and so on.
i get so tired of blogging and emailing and talking. so i turn to my addictions. even though i know it doesn't work. and so of course the only permanent thing i know of to do is. well, as said. yeah you'd be pretty damn tired too. of course it's permanent that's the whole fukin point!
I know it's a delicate situation. Yeah I get that.
he made me promise him I wouldn't act on it. i've had a decade long disease..........isn't that what i'm already doing? in a sense.
and i never promise people that. ever. cause i know myself well enough by now to........know it won't work.
and ok so [and th
is literally just now ocurred to me] if you don't keep a promise that's like saying to the other person who you promised it to 'well you don't matter'. yeah and then wow. that
would hurt. but sometimes you can't keep a promise no matter how much you love
someone. and i'm sorry.........i feel bad bc i really do love him.
I never make promises and when I do I make ones I know I'm going to be able to keep.
I think part of the, [though, again. i've not admitted this fully] relapse is bc this coming June it'll be a year since my grandmother.um. 'left'. [not sure how much you know about that]. There's a quote I like; 'the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread' - Mother Theresa. yeah you're tellin me. Back then, I thought there'd be meals upon meals at my parents'...........neighbors would make them and bring them over. and some of them would be given to me. i apparently was under the false assumption that that's what people did...........when someone in the family 'left'. No, turns out. far as I know I was the only one who did that. I baked for my parents [ok so more for my mom]. muffins. it's like, 'i can't fix things. and i'm not trying to. but here, let me do this for you'.
my grandmother used to bake. up untill she was 84. she was 90 last summer. she made the best desserts although i might be biased...........was the fiercest person I know.knew.w/e.
i miss her.
and, according to the family, people who knew her........her grandchildren knew they - we - were loved. and then all that went away. and so was she.
yeah but just bc she's 'left' doesn't mean parts of her are. er, have that is. I don't know if you've ever seen The Lion King [side note; great show.] but the song 'he lives in you' is........yeah. that's exactly it. that's exactly what it is.
and so was she. loved.
it was hard after that happened, really hard. and then other stuff happened and now it's come full circle again.'
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