may 11, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'omygod.

Currently: 1 p.m.

so. The other day [Wed.] when I was at my parents' discussing SSI/BC w/ my mom [or. rather. she was discussing it w/ me] she brought up. you know, that. what happened. The re. Far as I know she only knows about the one from when I was 17. Well she didn't exactly say it she eluded to it in the vaguest way possible. As something about 'when things like this happen'. Discussing sex/BC/my lovesex life w/ her is awkward enough. And that just makes it hard.er.

Recently I've mentioned the re to James. and the 'anniversary' [that implies there's something to celebrate]. [the one i'm talking about is this upcoming August, the 25th. it'll be 2 yrs].

And I told him how last summer I didn't really register it bc I was.......you know. there was other stuff going on, w/ my grandmother 'leaving' and then going to Europe [Copenhagen + London]. And that was really nice. I quite liked it. I was bloody knackered but.......you know, other than that. I loveLondon we [my mom & i] stayed in Bloomsbury. Copenhagen's interesting too, v. different.

And, really. I don't think I even wanted to acknowledge/register it at the time.

And when I told him this he's like 'why are you going on about it? it happened it's over'. Yes ok the physicaler.ness of actually being r**ed is. ok. But fuk. I have PTSD. I've had since vollege. I'm going on about it bc it is a big thing!

Maybe he doesn't know specifically how to understand. And I honestly don't know how to really explain it to him in a way that makes sense. and I wish I did. it's v. frustrating