july 5, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 2:48 p.m.
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- Public
'Once againI'm sleep deprived. I don't sleep well even without the dreams. god. I only vaguely remember last night. not that much happened. I've been busy the past couple of days.
I had a PTSD related dream er. well, 2 more. one involving Katy Perry. and the other was.......we were in my bed, the 2 guys & James. and they were.um. ring me. yeah even him. So yeah i'm still scared about it. and when I told him he's like 'dreams are thoughts.....they're memories'. how can you be so fukin casual about re? i'm making a point. this was the first time he was ever in one. why can't he be like 'i'm sorry that it scared you. how can i help?'.
and see. see. this is the exact thing we went through back in April, when we almost broke up. The only reason I'd break up w/ him is so I can have him back. and that's........not a possibility. according to him.
I onde told him something about how since he wasn't he's not allowed to say anything about it. Meaning........not to be so casual about it. and he's like 'no. don't ever say that'. um, oh i'm sorry to be so biased [or. w/e here] but have you ever been red? yeah no. and he's like 'well was one of your parents verbally abusive?'. well.........no and ok i see his point. I really do. But that doesn't seem to effect him in the least. whereas for one of his brothers, it does. which makes it really hard.
I've given him info off PTSD i found online. I don't know what the fuk else to do for him really. other than blatantly tell him how he can help. type it up. and all that.
it frustrates the living hell out of me. i'm trying to do all i can but what i can do isn't all there is to do. isn't everything.
I don't want to have that same argument. cause we don't get anywhere. I just want a little more understanding sometimes and i'm sorry if that's somehow wrong.
I was hurt. and I still am hurting. took 5 yrs last time. if you didn't want someone who was broken and had this many issues then you shouldn't be w/ me.
.........no.........no.......that's not what it is at all.
I moved my bed the other day. now it's below my window. where it was was the same spot it'd been since i was red. i figured moving it has to help somewhat.
I'm scared to write at my place. Like I really am [and is anyone protesting? no i'm just re-stating my point as we do when we're upset]. Bc of the r**e. and that's why I haven't. believe it or not this is a pretty big thing for me. i feel like the more often I wrote the better off i'd be. i'd be more content. so I used to go to Chipotle & do that a lot more than I do now but then it got balls ass hot out, so. i don't go. which honestly is a big fukin hinderance.
I don't know how long it'll be before I'm ready to write at my place.
You have to let me take my time w/ this. Please. You don't have to like it/agree w/ it but............. just be like 'ok. you need time to deal w/ this. which i'll give you'.
Oh and my depression's worsened. i'm not entirely sure why. and so has my anxiety. you can see why.
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