near the end in 2014

7:06pm

Man, I am super struggling to type today. It could be that I'm sitting crooked in my chair and the keyboard's at a weird angle, but yeah. We'll see how far I get before I become annoyed at my own lack of skills.

Tony just offered me a ride in his ice cream bus. Plus he won't charge me for any ice cream. This could be like a dream vacation deal!! I just need to figure out how to get down to San Antonio. haha. I called him a creepy old man earlier, so he had to send me pictures to change my opinion. It sounds so weird to hear him say, "I went down and parked next to the playground last night for a couple hours." haha! Totally creepy, right? It is actually cool though. Like one of those little buses that he's converted into an ice cream truck. I'll have to see it in person to make the final decision.

It's hard to believe that the season is almost over. It feels pretty surreal to be sitting here right now. Already Thursday! And less than a month left. So crazy! I feel like it's still January and we're barely starting the year. Like just yesterday I was begrudgingly anticipating the crazy long hours of the season and now it's almost done. I was telling myself I only had to make it through the next two and a half weeks and now almost an entire week of that is gone. Wow. I have started to anxiously anticipate all the plans I am creating in my mind.

I've decided not to let this summer go to waste. I did really well last year with waking up at a decent hour. Not wasting away every single day like I had before. Plenty of things were accomplished but nothing really tangible. This time I really want to get out there. Gardening, running, trips, and bucketlist checks. This is the year. And I'm so excited just thinking about it. If no one wants to come with me, fine! I'll do it all myself. I've saved up plenty of money and barring any strange life circumstances that get in the way, this is all getting done.

So stoked to just "do my thing" this year. It's silly to wait around for things that might never happen. I can't keep talking about "wanting" to do these things and then following it with a billion excuses. None of them really exist. I have the time. I have the money. It's go time! At some point you have to learn to invest in yourself. I think I'm in an excellent place in my life. I'm appreciating all the good moments [WOW, like the fact that the delivery truck literally just moved away from my window and opened up the view to a BEAUTIFUL sunset! The little things, I tell ya!]

This is gonna be good. They say you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else, right? I think that's true. I'm not willing to drag anyone down with me. So this'll serve to bring me even closer to complete happiness. I'm so ready for it!

On the other hand, I have to also admit to being bummed about this whole CK thing. I KNOW! I keep bringing it up. Imagine living in this head of mine all.the.time!

I saw him today on the way back from the bank. His truck is pretty distinct, it's hard to miss and it was coming towards me on the street. I stuck my hand out the window and waved but he didn't see me. Looked like he was chatting on the phone [tsk, tsk].

My mom had a dentist appointment today [that poor lady is being tortured by these people. She said it's worse than having a baby for her. hah. I'm laughing, but it's super sad to see her like this! I feel bad!] so I was at the office alone for a little while until my coworker showed up. She had a bunch of work to do so we weren't chatting as much as usual. We didn't end up having lunch until 4 o'clock. Taco bell! Yum!

As soon as I got back to my desk I happened to look up out the window and spotted Ck sitting in the coffee shop. He always sits in the same spot directly across from my window. [There's a glare, I doubt he can see me, but I sometimes see him.] Funny how he keeps showing up when I least expect him, huh? So of course I start making all these grand plans about how I am going to talk to him this time. For sure! I only take short breaks away from my desk up front. I glance up every few minutes whenever someone walks by. This sounds like it's becoming a bit obsessive. I know this. I need to stop. But damnit! I miss him when he's gone. [Shoot! did i just admit that?!?]

I'm not sure what's worse. Never seeing him, or seeing him every day and not being able to speak to him....

He's becoming a big ol' tease. He walked by at the same time that some clients were approaching so I couldn't exactly run to the front door. It looked like he had this sly smirk on his face as he passed. And I tried to will him with my eyes to look my way. I was prepared to wave and/or motion him to come in. I figured I'd probably get teased by my coworker, but I can take it. There are so many things to talk to him about. They're all being saved up in my brainspace and I need to make room for other things. This is getting out of hand.

How do people live like this? Attached to others? I mean I just want to talk to him all the time. We need to be friends! Ugh. It breaks my heart a little every time he walks by and I miss another chance to speak to him. =(

[Sometimes I'm tempted to pick up the phone, send him a text, and ask why the heck he keeps ignoring me! But I'm proud, and I'm shy, and I can't.]

Some day I'll look back on all this and realize that it was just like all the others. That I merely needed a distraction from life. Someone to focus on to keep me sane through all the crazy. But that doesn't change much right now in the present. Because I can't turn off the thoughts no matter how hard I try. I can't convince myself that's it better not to get close to him/anyone. It doesn't work the way I want. Not when he suddenly shows up outside my office. Or I randomly run into him in town. He doesn't even live here! How does he end up every where!?

And why doesn't he open my office door and just talk to me already!?!?!

sigh I need this season to be over so I can start focusing on everything else in life. Maybe not being there every day will help with this. Out of sight, out of mind? That sounds about right.

rose.
8:53pm

Last updated July 27, 2014