can't be too much in 2014

5:23pm

I have resigned myself to the fact that CK is never going to come over and ask me to hang out. Like I can't tell if he really doesn't want to, or if he'll just never get the guts. My pride's not letting me make any "first" move though. That and my shyness. And conservative nature. But yeah...

We were doing random work stuff earlier when Mom motioned to the door and I caught the back of Ck walking by. Surprised I didn't hear his loud truck. Must have been the one time of the day that I was distracted.

So I thought for sure this time I would talk to him. I sat up front, kept an eye on the coffee shop, and waited mostly patiently. [Actually the first thing I did was run out the door to get lunch and I should have yelled at him then] I was doing a bunch of random stuff while the time passed [ugh...it's bothering me a lot that I've suddenly forgotten when to use "passed" and "past". forgive me..] I went outside and washed the windows knowing full well if he looked up he could see me. I also opened the door for an old man in a wheel chair who asked my mother where she found such a pretty girl to work the front desk. Then on his way out he told me to be careful or some old man was going to come grab me and run away. haha! He makes me laugh so much!!

Anyway, the whole time I was randomly doing all these things I sorta figured that on his way out he would stop by and say hi. Maybe say, "I saw ya outside, how's it going" in his weird southern drawl that he shouldn't have. But nope. I actually saw him get up to leave [this totally makes me some kind of serious stalker, doesn't it? I guess it could make a good story some day... =\ ...] and I stood up in preparation to wave and/or do something to get his attention.

He ended up stopping in front of my door, but only to like pick something up off the ground. Now what I should have done was run around my desk to the main door, and yelled at him for never saying hi. Or I could have picked up the water bill I had sitting on the desk and taken it next door. Timing my movements to where I'd just happen to run into him outside. But obviously I didn't. I don't think about these things in the moment; they only come to me hours later when they really don't matter anymore. Darn brain!

In my defense, I thought maybe he would come in because he was Right.There. But instead he stood up straight and continued walking down the parking lot. I did knock on the window, a bunch. And he didn't hear me at all. Like didn't even turn his head in our direction. Mom said I didn't knock loud enough, but I thought it was pretty decent volume. I mean, I didn't want to break the window just to get his attention. Although that would have worked quite well. In a completely mortifying kind of way!

I guess now I have something else I can yell at him about. Never saying hi. Ignoring my desperate pleas for attention. Etc. Etc.

It's after 10 o'clock at night now. I've been distracted by life. We got busy at the end there. Our friend stopped by to chat as we were closing up and then there was dinner and tv. All that good stuff. I'm not even sure where I was going with this whole thing. Just venting, I guess. Realizing how ridiculous I'm being about it all [yes, I actually realized this a long time ago, but I can't seem to help myself. I try to stop and it's nearly impossible. It always comes up. Over and over. Somebody help!].

You know, the real reason it keeps coming up? Maybe I'm just kinda lonely for a new friend. I think that if we ever got the opportunity to hang out together, just the two of us, it would help me to stop being so weird about it. Like the way I built up Suter only to realize the next time we hung out that it meant nothing at all. I know it's not exactly the same as that, but maybe a little. And I know we'd be good friends. We have a ton in common and I know this from just the occasional conversation that's occurred. I just want to get to know him. Spend a little time in his company, is all. That can't be too much to ask, can it?

Sometimes ya just need a friend in life. Prospects are limited out here. Give me a break world!

rose.
10:42pm

Last updated July 27, 2014