oct. 23, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 26, 2014, 10:42 p.m.
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- Public
'rivers. mtns. friends. the 2nd one. bed, place, ghosts.
and fantasy. and cutting yourself off. and my triggers. and mtns.
Ok so. This time of yr is the perfect time to take photos. It's all so perfect and beautiful. except it really isn't.Bc.........it reminds me of 'him' the first him. the first guy who rped me. And his, uh. 'friend'. who took me into the parking garage in his van and saw. everything. it was in the fall. I've realised this before but was reminded of it again the other day: I think another reason I cut my hair then is bc I don't want to hide behind it when it's down. which is getting less rare. I don't want it to cover my body I have my clothes for that.
But he, the first guy. loved my hair. they all do. I don't want to hide behind it anymore. Sure my hair will always be a part of. 'that'. but. well, as put. That's the reason I go braless. well that, and I can afford to. I don't want to hide behind them anymore. Obviously I'm most certainly not going to go and advertise that fact that's why I wear layers. So that only the right people look at.um.them.
So 2x now when my mom's driven me back to my place she's gone to. The River. yes where it happened. Took me a long time to go back there. She drove there intentionally, to pick a different route. And ok yeah I can see that. it's not for anything malicious. She knows about the first time but I'm not sure just how much. Another thing we don't and won't talk about in great detail. In the past when my boyfriend's driven there I've said something and he's been like 'honey I know........I know you don't like this but there's not another way to go'. so there's that.
I love water, except for rivers and creeks. even just the mere mention of them gets.to me. Which is why I won't go to the mtns w/ our friends. Since there are rivers/creeks there. And I want to avoid that. 'that' being my PTSD getting to me.
So talking of places it's happened. The 2nd one was um. in my bed. which I've since moved - actually I moved it over the summer for precisely this reason to help w/ recovery. - but. thing is. Quite a bit of money was spent on my place. And if I wanted to move I'd still have my bed w/ me. from a strictly objectional standpoint I love my bed. as does my boyfriend. And if I moved my family would want to know why. And just. no. that's not happening. And even if I didn't have my bed I'd still have the memories can't get rid of those. um. I keep running into obstacles here.
Ya know and as it's just literally now occuring to me, I think the fact that I was away from The River for so damn long really helped.
I recently asked my boyfriend how, besides incense, to get rid of spirits and he said it depends on the spirit. yeah but mine's a residual haunting that's the thing.
Another one of my triggers is fantasy. um. *E
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erm.......... oh. right. fantasy. I don't have a problem w/ it in and of itself. I mean it's pretty. and i like magic. a lot. But here's the thing. when the parking garage thing happened it involved. fantasy. and a van. I really don't want to go further into it. And fantasy was a big part of my life then. And that's why I don't like it.
The other day when we were talking about this he told me 'don't cut yourself off'. as in, don't cut yourself off from something you could end up liking bc it triggers you. and ok he's not wrong it's just. wow. i mean.......wow. fuk. And this has led me to the statement of. r*pe is a very sad thing.
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