nov. 13, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 12:26 a.m.
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- Public
'So we had another fight. We were in bed the other day it might've been yesterday. I was pulling his hair and he turned around and did the same to me but I still wouldn't stop. And so he says "do you want me to stick my han* down your pa*?" and that stopped me. That was how I was rped the first time.
I know why he did that to get me to stop. Yes bc my loving boyfriend should absolutely threaten me w/ the promise of rpe and make me feel like I don't have a choice. right ok. For the 2nd time since we've been together I feel like I can't trust him.
Yeah I'm pretty appalled.
It scared me. After, I went into my bathroom. cause I don't want to be in my room. I'm sitting there thinking about what just happened deciding if he says that 3 more times and/or if he actually goes so far as to do it he leaves my place. If the 2nd one happens in addition to that I'll go tell my neighbor. She's literally less than a 2 min walk from me. Now here's hoping to god it doesn't......... so I have a plan. When it really comes down to it it's either him or me. That's only the 3rd vow I've made in my life. The first was if my mom ever hits my sister again I will tell someone. And she hasn't touched her, either of us in 8 yrs. But that vow still stands. And it will 10 yrs from now.
So I'm in the bathroom when he comes in and the first thing I say is 'don't you ever.....' eluding to the fact that he will not hurt me. like that. So indirectly in a way I told him no before anything even happened.
And he's like 'no don't ever tell me what to do'. right so you eluding to the fact that you say you're going to hurt me is perfectly ok for you to do but not me. oh ok then.
To backtrack. I was pulling his hair bc I wanted someone's hair to be mine not theirs just as mine was his the first guy who rped me and not mine. We both crossed lines I'm not saying we didn't. Nor am I saying I didn't do anything wrong. But he crossed an even bigger one.
I know guys aren't the most compassionate but wow just.wow.
After, we talked about it and he told me why he did it. So it means he feels remorseful but that doesn't mean I'm any less scared. He's apologised 2x. he knows something's up but doesn't know what it is since I'm not ready to tell him.
i'll do anything just please don't hurt me.
The reason I was in the bathroom was bc there's a door between that and the rest of my place which was closed. that solidity. it locks/unlocks v. easily. Later that day i went and got my tweezers from my uh. bathroom and put them in my pants pocket. even if i don't need them it makes me feel safer.
And I like bathrooms. i feel safe in them. idk i always have.
It had never occured to me untill then to actually be afraid of him. He's, you know. a medium size guy. And I'm small. so yeah he could hurt me.
The first time I was r*ped [8 yrs ago last month] I was on my period. as I am now. and the 2nd time [2 yrs ago this Aug.] it was in my bed. so again wow. i don't want it to happen again.
so now I'm scared and livid. yeah i'm pretty shook up.
Things have changed between us since then. I don't compliment him as often.
Please No Advice
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