nov. 16, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 26, 2014, 11:18 p.m.
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- Public
'>......makes me feel like Cleopatra. our routine/threaten the promise of rpe and my decision/confessions of a muffin queen/holiday/thanksgiving/family stuff.
So around 3 this morning [currently 6:30 a.m. atm] he left. cause he wanted to be out before my mom got here.er. which she still hasn't. See she and I are going down to REI later so I can get new snowboots. and when I saw her Wed. I told her he'd only stayed a wk. which ok he had. untill I got sick [which i still kindof am. from my period] and it turned into 2...............yeah. He was getting paranoid about my mom dropping by and frankly so was I.
Before he left we both got upset. He v. rarely actually gets upset. I feel kinda bad cause like I know I'm supposed to help and comfort him when he is and I do. but that vulnerability is such a turnon, honestly. And I feel like I'm ignoring his problems if I start kissing him.
We got upset cause we're going to miss each other. He def. knows he wants to live w/ me. when the time comes. And yeah I want to live w/ him. I told him last yr I wanted to spend the rest of my life w/ him. He saw me at my worse when I was upset or didn't want to talk or got angry. But there was someone there in those moments. someone physically there. To hold me or to leave me alone or to make me [ok, us] food. Or to go "ok we're going to smoke". and that really helped. We had our little sleeping routine. We went to sleep between 5 and 7 a.m. [well went to my bed. he went to sleep I didn't] after a night of tv watching. I usually crashed between 10 and 11 and we woke up between 1 and 6. ate when we were hungry. It was really nice. And just so lovely. and great.
And I was there for him too. I'm not going to push him into getting a job. esp. not now that i know where he's at w/ that. I'm going to be understanding and supportive and listen when he needs me to. I'll take care of him too.
He really took care of me. Something I haven't had in yrs. And it's not even about the fact that I wouldn't let it happen. It's that it hadn't. I'm really good at taking care of people.
These past 2 wks I've been simply better than i've been in awhile. Not happier but better.
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Ya know, he told me I've been his rock. No one's ever told me that. And I can be that person. I did it for my parents last yr. Sure bc he needed it. as did they. But at the same time after the person has their situation resolved or.w/e it finally gives me time to fall apart. depending on who it is. And so now I feel like I can't hold the world up even more.
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I mean. it still scares me that one day when I act out towards him he'll threaten me w/ the promise of rpe. It won't happen he won't rpe me. And even those words won't happen if I don't. Yeah but I'm angry and it's not bc of him. No this anger is long term. and I know that. Of course there are other ways to deal w/ it. but none of them feel as good as taking it out on someone. And yeah honestly a part of me wishes people didn't have feelings. I know, that's a little cold. so that I could do that and it wouldn't be an issue. yeah but see here's my problem. is i'm a little bit entitled................yeah i know.
I would never say that to someone. which in that respect i'm a better person. We talked about that. well not that. I mean. about what he said. and again he apologised. But I've put him through hell too i know that. and that's something that'll always be a part of us. fuk my sister put me through hell. but anyway. I've really tried not to act out towards him. and for the time being i'm still trying. after awhile i get tired of trying. It just doesn't interest me that much. so i'm wondering when the next time is going to be.
Yeah. I've made my decision. I was thinking about that the other day. That I had 3 options, 1: leaving things the way they were, B: talking it out w/ him [actually happened] or 3: one of us leaving. I didn't want to do either of those. And it scared me that him even saying that was an option. that he'd do that. and it still is. And maybe I'm not strong enough to do #3 or maybe this is what I'm ready for. or. w/e. Or maybe I don't think it's that bad since this is only the 2nd time he's scared me. it's like yeah it's [been] few and far between so w/e. it's not like we're living together so therefore he can leave. or i can. and yes part of the reason i liked him being here was bc i knew he'd leave at some point.
Or maybe this is the best thing that's happened to me. [in a long time]. and bc of that the 'worst' part isn't that bad. Or maybe I'm still recovering/hurting from the rpe. [well fuk of course i am]. or maybe this relationship isn't that good purely based on that. but this is my decision to make. and i've already made it. but i think i'll always question it. I think all of those are potential answers. I'm not looking to be judged: I'm looking to be understood.
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So talking about being understood. So one of my personas is the muffin queen. [my other one is the glitterqueen]. Um. bc. I have this thing of, the only thing that'll happen if you hug a muffin [they're round squishy. like an actual muffin that you bake. well that someone bakes] is you'll squish it. well yes. and who wants to do that. it's like if you touch/hold something/one too much you somehow damage it. ya know? [or perhaps you don't]. It's like why would anyone want to know someone who looks like that. Yes it's v. sad. anorexia is v. sad. erm. And so I was telling him this, sortof [like I didn't tell him this definition.fully] and he's like 'you're my muffin queen'. As in, 'yeah hun i'll take you. i'll accept you. i'll love you'. But within that as it literally just now [7:10 a.m. atm] occured to me. is. yes but i'll also hurt you.
Actually that's the title of one of my poems, 'confessions of a muffin queen'. i wrote it in college. it's so incredibly personal. which is why not many have seen it. and it's so heartbreaking, ya know for that time in my life. or at the very least sad.
I quoted another poem title to him, 'would you believe me if I told you?'. I'm not saying people have to agree or like it. One of my line thingys is 'I don't want you to tell me I'm not fat: I want you to believe me when I say I am'. even if you don't see it. yeah the things/that's what anorexia can do to you. And not only can but does.
oh and his answer to that was 'uh huh'.
So this really has nothing to do w/ anything. of course. Um.butum. One reason he likes it [or perhaps the reason] when i'm happy is bc when I feel things I feel them. so incredibly. deeply. sry 'things' being emotions*. and that's one of them.
Ok so holiday stuff.thanksgiving.family. um..............umumum.
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