Graceless and Ugly..... in QUOTIDIEN

An ambulance zips by my building, lights flashing, no siren. No tone goes out over the radio for medical emergency, but clearly, that's what we're looking at. My blood runs cold. Management is called to the docking bay of an important building - my company's on-site base. No more is shared for all officers to hear. Silence is not good in this instance. I think of two people, both on the security team, who often have me concerned. I Contact SOC, 'tell me this isn't one of our own', and am told to talk to my supervisors.

My heart won't stop thumping. I think this is what the onset of an anxiety attack must feel like. My mind replays my imagination's version of Dave's death. Who is next?

I am eventually told that it's a member of management. A person I love to laugh with. Knowing he got himself onto the gurney helps. Knowing he acted the same as his old self - helps. But the silence - the lights - a ghost ambulance, won't leave me be.

Our relief's last day was yesterday. I will miss C. She was one of a kind. One of our managers gave his notice. This is the guy that hired me. He is off to bigger and better things. He's leaving. Another supervisor, Mr. B., ...also leaving today.

Tomorrow, my dog goes to the breeder to be cared for while my daughter goes on vacation with some friends. I'm happy for her, but realize that.....I am lonely. And my son may have found a forever home for Beth. This last is a good thing for Beth. I no longer have the energy or means to give her the care and love she needs....and yet, she has tons to give to us.

Word of the day? Alone. So. Fucking. Lonely. And I wonder how people survive the emptiness.