I mean, not literally. My body is quickly deteriorating. I woke up this morning completely unable to move my arms, I was in that much pain. I'm so tired of being ill all the time.
I keep having sexual dreams about my boyfriend's college best friend [who I have since become great friends with myself]. Outside of the dream world I would never even give him a second glance. Even if we were both single. My subconscious however is all over that scrawny, pasty body. I think it's just because Nick and I don't have sex very often and my brain is trying to satisfy my sex drive in other ways. I thought my sex drive had nearly disappeared but I guess it just buried itself deep in my head only to surface while I dream. I'm guessing my subconscious has deemed this friend safe. Safe in the fact that neither of us would ever want each other in that way. Safe in the fact that I know him very well and trust him completely. Just...safe all around. So it then supplies me with these crazy hot dreams with a face it knows I'll be comfortable with. A lot of times I wake up completely flushed. If only my dream sex life could become a reality with my real boyfriend. I can't talk about sex with Nick though. That might be part of it. I have all these desires and every time I think about talking to him about them I clam up and swallow them down, burying them with layers and layers of other topics. Anything to keep him from knowing what I really want. Ever since we had a hiccup in our sexual relations a year and a half ago I haven't felt comfortable sharing anything with him. He admitted he was forcing himself to sleep with me more often because his sex drive isn't as high as mine. I was completely shattered. I am still completely shattered. He wants to please me but no part of me wants him to think he has to force himself to do things just to make me happy. It makes me just want to be silent. It makes me just accept the mostly vanilla sex we do have about once every 2 weeks because it meets my minimum requirements. It throws me into my dream realm where a close friend can slam me against the wall every night demanding my obedience. Makes me feel savage and beautiful and perfect.
I've totally been letting myself go lately as a result. No matter what I look like I won't be getting the sex life I want so why not just be comfortable all the time instead of trying so hard. I used to shave every couple of days. My makeup would be done. My hair [mostly] tamed. My weight was just enough to have soft curves but not so high that I hated myself. I tried making myself more appealing but it didn't have any effect. So now I'm comfortable. My legs get shaved when I feel like it. My hair is a constant disaster. My weight has ballooned and my makeup is probably all expired. I feel like I have no reason to be pretty so why put in the effort.
God...this really pulled out more issues than I intended it to. All I really wanted to say was that I was having hot dreams about one of my friends. Didn't mean to analyze my entire sexual relationship. Oops.
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