quiet nights in 2014

10:48pm

I don't really have anything specific to write about today. No topics on my mind that I'd like to type out and get off my chest. I mean, there are a ton of topics floating around in my head but none of them seem important enough to write out. It's just the usual kind of stuff that I always feel so strange about sharing with others.

Loneliness. I think about that sometimes. The way that not a single guy has asked me out since coffeeguy and you'd need two hands in order to count the amount of years since that all happened. I try not to dwell on it, but sometimes in the quiet of the night it comes back to haunt me. Feeling this way is never pleasurable. It is a part of life though. One of those human emotions that I'd rather feel than ignore. I'm all about feeling all the emotions, even the 'negative' ones.

These days, these moments tend to involve thoughts of CK. I can't help it. I figure it's because he's the only one that's shown me even a teeny tiny little speck of attention in all this time and so he becomes my default. The one I think about when there's no one else. I'm sure that's the whole reason behind the thoughts.

And it makes me feel pretty silly because WE WEREN'T EVEN FRIENDS. None of this makes sense. It never has. Nothing in the last almost two years has made any sense when it comes to this person and these thoughts. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that other than like just deal with it.

Most days are good though. I realize that it was the right time to step away from it all. That I should give myself this space to move on. It wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it to.

It's just the quiet moments. I tell ya. Those are the dangerous ones.

Now I feel like I should tell you about a lot of other things so that this isn't all about that one topic. Other things aren't coming to mind though. It's just the same old thoughts. The ones that remind me that it's late, and I'm tired, and I should do nothing more than to shut off this computer and go to bed. That would be helpful.

sigh

This obviously did not turn out the way I wanted it to. Or maybe it did. What do I know anymore?

I'm just going to walk away from it now.

rose.
11:22pm

Last updated July 22, 2014