Back to the Girl I Was at 18 Tuesday, December 09, 2003
I think I am back to that person I was at 18. It took a lot to get me there, but I made it. Now that I am back to that person, I noticed that it isn't perfect like I remembered it. It's rather lonely. Let me take you back about 6 years ago...
I lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. Being used to being alone there were times that I really enjoyed it. However, there were days that I was completely absorbed by the feeling of lonliness. At night I would come home from work at midnight and turn on my computer and hope that someone was there to talk to. However, some nights there was not. The stress from work would build up and having no one to talk to about it my head would become filled with memories of my past that I never could get rid of. My brain would start to repeat the memories of my once comatose brother, my brain injured father, and the image of this man named Chris. Over and over these images would repeat until the noise in my head was so loud I would break apart. I would turn all of the lights out in my apartment and light candles and lay in the middle of them. The noise would slowly begin to leak out of my head by ways of tears. I would always hope that this time would be the last time I would have to cry so hard. Then I would get up, switch off the computer, and head to bed. Every night for 2 years straight I would have dreams about the man named Chris. Dreams that involved this man trying to find me, like I was being hunted. I would always be trying to make him think I was running from him because I felt as though if he caught me he was going to hurt me. However, the dream would always end with me slowing down until he could catch up with me. Then when he caught up with me, the dream would end. I was always only half scared in the dreams. I always wanted them to stop though.
They stopped exacty 4 years ago. This is when I met Keith. I didn't understand why they stopped but they did. The last four years I did not have one single dream with Chris. Then the night I found out about Keith not being honest with me the dream of Chris came back. It was that morning I understood the dream. The dream was simple to understand... I just simply wanted to feel wanted.
Anyway... I had a nice company christmas party tonight. The one thing I have is wonderful friends. I am lucky for that.
Her
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