I Ask For Just One Man Thursday, November 13, 2003
Thank you, God. You helped me through the hard time. I thought I was going to have to have a wonderful beautiful baby that I wasn't ready for. I thought I was going to have to raise a child alone. I was planning on how to tell my family and my co workers. I was so scared, but I was going to have the baby and love him/her more than any one could love a child. I wasn't scared to have a child. I wasn't scared that I wouldn't have money or that I wouldn't be able to give the child the things that all children hope for. I was scared that I was going to have a child that was loved by his/her mother and father... but the father wasn't going to love the mother. I was scared because I grew up in a household that the parents loved each other so I wouldn't know how to raise a child that the parents didn't love each other. Of course I would love the father, but the father wouldn't love me. I don't know how to make that work. I would have done my best though.
Now that I don't have to go through that I wish I knew how to find true love so I don't ever have to go through that again. I have grown up so much in the last 3 years. I have learned valuable lessons that unfortunatly I had to learn through experiences. I have only one lesson left to learn. I have to learn how to let go of love. I have to learn how to love someone else. It scares me. I feel that I am getting to old to start a family. All I wanted out of my life is to have a family. I wanted children. I wanted a husband that would come home after work and eat the dinner I prepared while our children's eyes glowed with happiness. However, my life plan isn't working.
All I can assume is that I am not pretty enough to find a man that will see me and want to be with me. I must not be smart enough to catch a man's heart. There's got to be many things wrong with me, or else I would have a family. I'd have a house. I'd have children. I'd have a man that loves me.
Sometimes I think that I have forgotten what it feels like to be loved. However, I know that that is not true, because if it was I wouldn't long for it so badly. I wouldn't dream about being held and having a man kiss me freely. I would just give up on it, if I didn't know what it felt like. I have been loved before. It was such a long time ago. I am so tired of being alone. I want a man to want to take care of me.
I am tired of asking myself when it will happen, or if it will happen. I want to give up on love, but I can't. I want a family so bad. I want Keith to go away so I can start searching for a real man that really wants to love me. He's so selfish. He has so many women that love him. All I want is one man that I can love back.
God, you helped me already, but can You help me out one more time? Can you send me a man that will love me and that I can let into my life? Please? I am trying to be good. I am trying to do what You ask of me. Keep me in mind, ok? I love You and I thank You for all that you have already given me and I feel selfish to ask for more... but I need this to be happy. I want to be happy.
That girl that sits in her room at night praying to You,
Her
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