3:40pm
Life is back to normal. At least in almost all the ways possible.
For a few days there I was feeling totally out of it. I blame it on hormonal changes, or some whack thing like that. Whatever it was, I didn't like it. It's not fun going back to all those old feelings. This last year+ has been so great for me. There have definitely been more ups than downs. I mean there are downs, and those still really suck, but that's ok. I can remember now what it's like to be on the other side of that. Before I didn't have that luxury. I didn't know what else was out there. Just doom and gloom. And honestly, I never really thought I would get passed that. It seemed impossible to live a life where I was happy more than I was sad. Where the good days always outnumbered the bad. Now I know it was never impossible...just very, very hard to believe at the time. Thank God I made it through that one huh? I feel like a better human being these days.
Speaking of God: I went to church today. We closed for a couple hours in the middle of the day to go to a funeral. My old kindergarten teacher's husband just passed last weekend. I felt a strong urge to be there. This might have been the first funeral I voluntarily attended. She's always been so kind to me. When I was in school she looked out for me. Even to this day she'll run into Mom and ask about me, ask how my leg's doing and all that. Stuff that not even close friends seem to wonder about [not that I want them to, I'm trying to ignore that whole thing, but it's nice that she cares enough to ask..] So we closed completely and went. That's probably a first too.
And I took communion. I can't remember the last time that happened. Maybe five or ten years ago. See I stopped going to church for a while in college and only started going when I moved back home. I felt guilty [hello Catholic's favorite phrase] watching Mom go alone so I will occasionally attend with her. I never take communion though. Just stand in the aisle and wait for everyone to go through.
Today there was just a feeling pushing me towards the front. Not sure what it was. Saying goodbye? Seeing the family? Wanting a last connection? Who knows. But I went and maybe I shouldn't have taken communion because I haven't confessed my sins in like a billion years [I mean other than at night sometimes when it's quiet]. It felt ok though. And I gave that lady the biggest hug I could muster and she seemed genuinely happy/surprised that we were there. She hugged me tight and thanked me for going.
I think everything will be alright with them. He was suffering for a long time. Sometimes it's easy to believe that the pain is gone now and his family can begin to heal again. That's how it'll happen, I'm sure.
There are other things going through my head these days. With CK and whatever. But I can't quite convince myself to put them into words. It makes it all seem silly. and real. I'd rather avoid all that for a while. Someday maybe it'll make sense to put everything down on paper. It won't be that easy to forget any of it anyways. :-]
So back to work....
5:02pm
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