What the hell, Animal Planet? in Fish On!
- Oct. 17, 2013, 10:13 p.m.
- |
- Public
Dear Animal Planet,
Thank you for totally wrecking my Wednesday night River Monsters Unhooked viewing experience.
There I was, trying to learn something about the rare and elusive Glyphis garricki whilst doing my best to pretend to ignore the oh-so distracting and delectable Jeremy Wade -- when my concentration was shattered by an untimely commercial for Trojan Lubricants.
"Tingly Warmth"? "Continuous Silkiness"? "Arouses and Intensifies"?
Damn you, Animal Planet.
Suddenly I was consumed by horribly inappropriate musings, such as: Is it hypoallergenic? Waterproof? Does it come in a convenient travel size? Is it, like the Trojan adjustable vibrator, illegal in AL, CO, GA, KS, LA, MS, TX, and VA? How about Brazil? And that "Continuous Silkiness" one -- how, exactly, do they define "continuous"? And is that a definition we can all agree on?
And from there, my musings went in a direction that I certainly won't share with you, Animal Planet, aka the "Ha ha, we know why you're watching River Monsters Unhooked repeats on Wednesday night" Channel.
And in the end, what with all the distractions, I didn't even notice if Jeremy Wade finally caught a Glyphis shark or not.
Do you know how hard it has been to convince certain people that I'm watching the show solely because of the fish??? All this time, I've had to be like: "Jeremy Wade? Oh, he seems like a nice enough fellow, I suppose. Oh, look! Is that an Arapaima gigas? How exciting!"
And until now, Animal Planet, you appeared to be in collusion with the whole charade, tactfully ignoring the prurient-interest demographic. What changed? Why did you have to draw attention to our existence so suddenly and blatantly?
Well, all I can say is, now that you've outed us, we damn well better be seeing a lot more of Jeremy Wade without his shirt on.
Sincerely,
Kimber
NorthernSeeker ⋅ October 17, 2013
Is this in any way like Vlad Putin without his shirt on?
Kimber NorthernSeeker ⋅ October 17, 2013
Infinitely superior to Vlad, I assure you!
I was just using the shirtless Putin photos in an extortion attempt to get some shirtless Jeremy Wade photos.
Gangleri ⋅ October 17, 2013
Gotta play to all demographics, yanno.
Deleted user ⋅ October 18, 2013
CO!? Certainly not libertarian, marijuana-legalizin' Colorado.
I finally looked up Jeremy Wade, after hearing you go on so about him-- he is ruggedly handsom, I admit. But if you ask me, Animal Planet itself has jumped the shark, along with Discovery and even sometimes History channels (River Monsters excepted, of course; I don't want to get into a fight here.). They are probably trying to get Wade to search for the Beast from 20,000 fathoms next.
One Angry Dwarf Deleted user ⋅ October 18, 2013
Something about the setup over here makes me feel like I can hit the "like" button but there is no like button, so, uh, LIKE BUTTON MIME I HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ October 18, 2013
Aggghhhhh you are hilarious and awesome.
Also wtf, Trojan adjustable vibrators are illegal in CO? Man! I know ALL vibrators are illegal in Texas, but I friggin went to a sex store in CO so I know that's not the case there. Is there something about it being "adjustable" that makes it weirder? What the hell does adjustable even mean? Aggghhhhh I SO wish I wasn't at work right now, like seriously, I want to google this SO BAD
Kimber One Angry Dwarf ⋅ October 18, 2013
Actually, I think the mail-order aspect of the Trojan vibrator may have been the problem -- a lot of states still have archaic laws about "obscene" material being sent through the mail.
However, in the interests of hyperbole, I cheerfully blew off any notion of research before I wrote that part. And who knows, the lube really might be illegal in some of those states. I lived in Alabama for a year, and that was the most miserable, fun-hating state I've ever been in -- even worse than Utah, which is saying something.
One Angry Dwarf Kimber ⋅ October 18, 2013
Research is for SCRUBS.
I've never been to Alabama, and now I'm extraordinarily pleased about that fact.
The boyfriend just brought me a big empty cardboard box his company had packed something in. It says "Got Lube?" on the side. YUP. Giant (empty) box of lube in my living room. Thinking about turning it into a coffee table. Alabama would hate me.