I'll Never Understand Myself [Friends Only Entry] Tuesday, October 21, 2003
As well as I seemed to understand myself in my last entry I can't seem to comprehend how I can see through Keith, yet can't let go of him. I understand completely that he doesn't love me only. Of course I can't get rid of the feeling that just maybe I am the one he loves... just maybe he really isn't cheating on me... maybe he behaves himself at bars and rushes over to my apartment because he misses me... Then I shake those thoughts away because I either think that I don't deserve it, or I don't think he can be monogomous. I just can't trust him. I just can't believe in him. As much as I want for him to be the one, he will never be because I can't believe that he wants me.
I will never forget the night I told him that I hated him. It was like every ounce of anger that had built up because of him came out in a fury. All the tears and yelling felt like a power that was shooting through my body. Never in my life had I felt so completely uplifted after being so extremely angry. It was like I was God had thrown me to the wolves and gave me one club. I took that club and beat every wolf over and over until they were all lying still around me submitting to me. I felt like I had finally got the wolves to lie next to me instead of hurt me. I felt like I finally let go of what I kept inside.
Now I must figure out a way to find away to be happy with Keith. It's obvious I can't let him go, so I often wonder if I should just accept the fact that he will always be with other women. Every time I think that it makes me shutter. I know I deserve better, yet I know I can't let go of Keith. So maybe I should just make Keith leave me. I know if he were to go awayI wouldn't try to get him back. However, I know I will count the days until he calls again or until he comes back.
I don't know. Usuallly I know exactly what I'm after. Now that I got that, I am trying to figure out how to get rid of it.
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