The Visitor [Friends Only Entry] Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Last I spoke, I spoke of the happiness that I had found again. It was so nice to be able to be feeling so good inside. I had missed that laughter and joy that was so far gone. With Keith not being around I found self confindence. I could get up in the morning with a clear mind. The image of him didn't appear even half the amount of times. I could go through my day and feel the need to see my friends and do the things that I enjoy. My mind was more clear than it had been in a long time. I woke up refreshed in the morning, and I slept well at night.
It took 36 days and a fifth of Barcardi to give Keith the courage to call me again. I didn't answer that call. I didn't answer it because I had the pride and the strength to believe that I was important enough to deserve a friend that wasn't scared to confront me about the pain he caused me. He was well aware of the pain he had caused me because 36 days prior he watched as I crouched in my bed holding my head and crying out, "I hate you, Keith." I don't even know how it finally came out. It just flowed from me and I couldn't stop it. I pushed him away from me. All he could do is say, "Ok... please don't cry." He felt the words, "I hate you" stab him in the heart.... Just as I felt the words, "Hi this is Keith's girlfriend" stab me in the heart and her in her back. So, yes, he knew the pain he caused, and yet it took him 36 days and fifth of Barcadi to try to confront me... However, the next day he called me back and I answered it.
Shortly after speaking with him I let him come over. At first it was alright. I was very open and upfront with him. Then I became weaker and weaker. When he told me he would marry me I crumbled. I know that was his plan. However, I fell for it. And now, once again, the happiness is slipping away. I can actually watch it leave my heart. If he could commit to only me life would be good. However, he can't. I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. I have to accept that Keith will never love me like I need to be loved. It's not his fault and it's not mine. He just doesn't understand monogomous relationships. And I don't understand that hope is just a way to keep from giving up on things that can't be changed. However, I did learn what unconditional love is, for I certainly have not given up on Keith... even though he is my poison.
Her
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