Thank you, Next in Journey Back to ME

For all of you out there that have ever experienced the HEARTBREAK, the gaslighting, the constant questioning yourself, the invalidation, and the insecurities that comes with being in a relationship with a NARCISSIST, I see you. I value you. Your emotions are valid. Every wrong doing that you’ve experienced TRULY happened. No one can take that from you. Regardless of how much the other person tried to paint you like you’re the problem, you were not. You indeed are a victim of EMOTIONAL ABUSE, and I am too.

I’m going to give the condensed version of my weekend as I don’t want to give this monster another moment of my time.

In attempt to set a CLEAR boundary with this person, I told him that his constant contact with me was interfering with my ability to move on. He then spent 2 hours on Facetime explaining that when he said “I don’t want to lead you on”, he TRULY meant that I am his twin flame. He wants me. I’m the only woman he wants and is focused on. He’s been doing everything in his power to let me know that, but if I am a woman that needs to be acknowledged verbally, he’s not that guy. In a nutshell, this is what he always does. He highjacks the conversation and then tries to butter me up just enough. I told you all that he would do this. His words and actions don’t align. Anyway, so while minding my business yesterday with my newly set boundary, he used every free moment he had to abuse that boundary and cross it. Making statements like “Naturally I want to reach out to you. It’s a habit, but once I stop my FALL BACK GAME IS STRONG”…as if to insinuate I should be happy with what I’m getting because, it’s going to get worse. Anyway…then he proceeded to message me ALL DAY LONG.

I own up to the fact that I allowed it to continue (the cycle of the abuse), and I should have done more work to stand in that boundary.

*It’s also important to note that he stands by “If you want to know how I feel about you, ask”. He doesn’t think it’s his job at all to acknowledge, affirm or validate my feelings or to verbally reciprocate. However, he thinks I should just ask him for all of those things. Regardless of the fact that I’ve explained that asking would make me feel like I’m begging or desperate for attention which I am not.
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Fast forward to yesterday evening when ONCE again I was being completely authentic/vulnerable/ and WIDE OPEN. I shared some really personal things about myself and around rejection to hopefully shed some light on my reactions. He proceeded to make a comment about how I can’t hold him to the wrong doing of my previous relationships when I hadn’t said anything of sorts. I was speaking about myself and past trauma I’ve experienced. Get this, he does the same with me all of the time. Every reaction he has to me is a result of past trauma, and I am to accept his…but I am to not hold him accountable for mine. He then began asking me why I don’t ask him how he feels about me. I said “If you had something to say or that you wanted me to know, you would give me that information freely.” He THEN proceeded to write two paragraphs outlining how I am “hungry for attention”, I “expect him to idolize me” (the example he gave was when I asked him if he craved me specifically or if he just wanted pu$$y from just anyone. Mind you, he’s the one that reached out to me, and was unable to verbalize that it was ME he wanted. Instead he put his foot in his mouth and talked about the options he has, so I told him to CHOOSE THOSE OPTIONS instead then), his statement following that was how UNATTRACTIVE it was to specifically want to hear how he wants me, I have “a lot of growing up to do”, I’m “inauthentic” and he’s been waiting for me to match his energy, I have yet to grow into the woman I am to become and he can’t wait to meet that woman, I “don’t know what I want and am wishy washy in my decisions”....THE AUDACITY! And when I let it be known how his words hurt and I did not agree and that I was offended he said “of course you are”....and THE BEST PART is that in the middle of all of the negative traits that he assigned to me…he said he wanted me and I am his twin flame and that he truly believes I am the woman for him. WHAT?! Yes this is the type of bullshit I deal with.

When he continued, I expressed confusion with some of his remarks and he said “of course you are. You always act like you don’t know what I’m talking about”…i verbalized that this was uncalled for and hurtful because I was just asking for clarity. None of it matters, he wants to hurt me. It’s his sole purpose to WEAR ME DOWN. I made sure to continue explaining what hurt and upset me and then he said “That’s on you. You choose to feel that way”. I mentioned how he never takes accountability for what he says and doesn’t apologize. He said “If I was wrong, I would apologize”. And I explained that HE IS RESPONSIBLE for the hatred that comes out of his mouth. If he HURTS ME then that is “on him”. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how the conversation got to that point from me sharing a personal moment about myself. He ALWAYS does this.

Just an hour ago he sends a message saying that his daughter wants to hang out with my daughter and I could bring her over. I said “I don’t plan to go anywhere today, but you can come and pick her up when I’m done washing her hair” and he responded with “We will not be inviting you over anymore. Let us know when you want to be involved with us”....like WHAT?! She can only come over if I bring her? He always does this though. That’s the only reason I stayed around in the first place is because he uses his daughter as a pawn. I just ignored it.

So yesterday morning he invited us over as well, and I said the same thing. I have no intentions of leaving my house today. This was what took us into the conversation about how I was trying to occupy my time without so much of it being devoted to him. He told me that I’m always saying “no”. Which is FAR from the truth. You guys can go through these past few enteries and see that I’ve had every conversation, I’ve gone over every time that I was invited, on Easter even when I didn’t want to go that night I still went over during the day. I stopped by the store for him and grabbed what he needed....regardless of how many times i drop everything and say YES, he hyperfixates on the one time I say no. I don’t even know in what world he would even ask me to come over today after not apologizing last night. And then he gaslights and flips it on me that I’m somehow keeping our kids from getting together even though if it was THAT important to him, he would have come and picked her up.

This reminds me of back in January when it was football season and I spent a Saturday night at home putting an office chair together. I had gone out and bought some wine and spent the evening drinking my win. He reached out and invited me over. I explained that I had been drinking a lot of wine and couldn’t drive but that he could come and pick us up and then for the next few hours I was badgered, and GAS LIT because I should have KNOWN that football is so important to him, and WHY would I ask him to come and get us, and how I’m always turning him down. I shouldn’t have had those drinks because I should have anticipated that he was going to reach out and ask us to come over.

This turns my stomach so badly because I am EMBARRASSED that I even entertained this the first time, let alone…over and over for months. Even last night he tried to gaslight me and say that I WAS THE ONE THAT WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME. I had never asked. He’s the one who asked why I hadn’t asked, and my response was that I didn’t care to ask. If it was something he wanted to let me know, he would do so on his own free will…and then proceeded to absolutely decimate my character based on his own narrative.

I’m just going to elevate above it all in this situation. I deleted the facebook and messenger apps from my phone to at least rid that way of him contacting me.

I did not expect him to have the GAL to think I would just drop everything to suit him and his schedule this morning. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me.

It’s healing season guys! I’m completely removing myself from this situation in totality. I just hope and pray that they do not put our daughters in the same class next year. They already do cheer and volleyball together. At this point, I even want to pull my daughter from the school, but I suspect that with time I will heal and it will get easier for me to not give a fuck. I’m a work in progress but this was IT for me. He lit the match and burned the hell out of that bridge.

Last updated May 07, 2023