Unfinished Entry [Friends Only Entry] Wednesday, January 08, 2003
I write songs on my piano. That’s just what I do. Every song that I have written has been about someone in my life. The last one I wrote was Keith’s song. I think it’ll be named “Was It Something I Did?” However, I am not sure. I might just keep it “Keith’s Song.” I have to admit this song took me a year to write. I just couldn’t seem to get it how I wanted it. However, now I think it’s just about perfect.
This is how crazy my life is. Ever since I met the Shamarie’s my life has been extremely empowered by my own dreams. I had two horrible nightmares last night. The first one was about Satan. I woke up so scared. I wanted to just hold someone and feel like I was being protected. There was no one there. There never is. However, I am getting ok with that. The next nightmare I had was about Kumbi. In the dream Keith and I were dating. He was sitting in the couch at my parents’ old house and I was in the dining room chatting online. Kumbi came up behind me and I remember feeling this huge feeling of anxiety. I remember I immediately wanted to get away from him. I felt exactly like I did the day after he threw me. I felt scare, upset, angry, and the need to escape. I immediately ran to Keith. He was sitting in amongst friends so I asked, “did you do that think I asked?” (I asked him earlier to tell Kumbi to stop calling me) Keith said that he did. Just then Kumbi called me back into the dining room. On the computer was my diary’s website. My heart sank. My body fell weak. He then picked up his ringing phone and answered it, “Hi honey.” Then he looked at me and laughed. He said, “I also have your other stuff with me.” Which meant my hand written diary. Then he walked out of the house, got into his car, and drove away.
Now if you knew me you would know that my diary is like my best friend. For him to take them away from me would be like losing my best friend. I panicked. I couldn’t help but feel my legs go weak, my heart melt, my mind go crazy, and the tears come like never before. I slowly walked up to Keith and he looked at me and said, “He is here, isn’t he?” I fell against him crying and he put his arms around me and gave me a quick pat on the back. Then he took off after Kumbi. The next thing I knew I was laying in a bed hunched in the fetal position crying in pain like the day Kumbi had thrown me against the couch. I cried such tears that I felt physical pain. I cried and I cried. I laid in the bed crying curled up in a ball with my hands trying to grab my own heart. I couldn’t stop the pain. I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t help the feeling of being absolutely hopeless. I literally cried myself awake.
This life is insane. All my dreams about Kumbi and Keith come true. Ever since I met them. It doesn’t matter when I have them or what happens in them; they come true. Today was the first time Kumbi has called me since I asked Keith to have him stop calling me. He asked if he could see me and I told him that he wouldn’t ever see me again until he pays me back the money he owes me. He tried to argue with me, but I wouldn’t let him. We in truth had a good conversation though. We didn’t argue at all. We laughed about our past. I tried to even explain to him how lucky he was to have someone to still argue with.
Oh dear heart, why must you fall for the enemy? Why must you give yourself to someone that doesn’t want you? Remember you want someone to want you… not need you. Someone that is there simply because they need you is going to always set yourself up for being used. Someone that is there because they want you will just be there and never use you. And it will be simply because they want to be with you.
I have to finish this later... so until we meet again...
Her
Leave a Note
dwp 1/8/2003 4:10:57 AM
Loading comments...