Whelp, I have an apartment. This is going to be an incredible change and I'm not sure in the beginning that it'll be a good one. I'll be going from a three story house with a huge kitchen, new appliances, ample storage space, a walk in closet etc to a..... one bedroom apartment with a shared laundry room. Talk about a downgrade.
But it will be mine and mine only. I'll decorate it as I like, it will be CLEAN because I am a clean person and won't have to clean up after a slob... I will decorate it fashionably. I will turn it into my solace- a place where I can relax, where I can grow, where I can curl up in a ball and cry. I'll make it work.
My biggest battle currently is with the plaguing loneliness... I'm trying hard to keep in contact with friends and family and keep myself busy but, sometimes you just have to be alright with silence and entertain yourself. I think that this stems from my childhood, kids are mean and I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so I was often alone. Things are different now though - I am kind, generous, have a great sense of humor, can hold a conversation, I have great potential and I'm good company so I need to stop worrying about such a trivial thing. That isn't an issue now and I've learned to have sympathy and compassion for others, everyone deserves dignity and respect. Let's also not forget that adults are much different than the shit-headed children who wrecked havoc on my childhood haha.
I just know that I'm lonely. Not even in a romantic sense sometimes but just to the point that I crave human contact. I started sobbing at work the other day and my co-worker (and best friend) came over and hugged me... and I just couldn't let go. So she let me hug her for a few minutes and I just cried... it felt so good just to be hugged and I can't even explain it. It's amazing how powerful just human contact can be, we are such social creatures that we actually crave it. It's been so long since I've just been held...
Sometimes my thoughts are so scattered and random, I flit from one subject to another and I'm sure it's apparent in my writing. I just feel the urge to expel these thoughts and emotions from my body- even if they're nonsensical. I can't wait for the day that I can look back through this, smile, and rejoice on how far I've come.
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