I have to say (thankfully) that things have vastly improved since my last couple of entries. I'm not so sad anymore, I think I've moved into the acceptance phase of grief already (though I don't really ever remember bargaining or being angry).
I've started packing up my belongings that I want to take with me to the apartment, it's both overwhelming and bittersweet. I can tell it makes him sad and he actually will leave when I start packing but, it has to be done. Having lived in a large house for 4 years also means I've acquired an alarming amount of things. I've been doing my best to separate things into keep, donate, and give away- I know there's stuff that will be appreciated by friends and family which is nice.
My mother has been such a huge support during all of this and she's actually helping me purchase (and pick out) furniture. Let's face it, I did not inherit the decorating gene when God made me female- I'm glad to have her input. I think that once I am settled into my own space and have a place to call my own things will only get better.
In the mean time, I just have to keep my patience. I know that he's mad, and he thinks that this is unfair and out of the blue- I just wish he could see how ill-fitted we are for each other. How many miserable, miserable fights we've had that never were resolved or how we literally cannot handle being in the house together for even two days straight before we start brawling. It's sick but, I have been so much happier and more at peace in the past 6 months than I have in the last 7 years and people are even noticing and saying as much to me.
I just wish that he'd stop being petty, insisting on walking 5 feet in front of me when we're going someplace together, refusing to look at me when he's speaking (I have a hearing deficit and need people to look AT me when they talk to me in most cases). Sometimes he'll just bust out his shitty, petulant tone out of nowhere when I ask him a question and sometimes, he just doesn't even answer. So he's mad that I want a divorce but then has the immaturity to treat me with very little respect as we're going through this? Not much incentive to try and stay to work things out. Oh well, I wish him the best of luck and I truly, truly hope he learns from his mistakes in this relationship so that he doesn't possibly thwart a future relationship with the same behaviors. But that is his issue and not mine, and for that, I am thankful.
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