A few months ago I stopped writing in my Blogger. Mainly because I wasn't using it to reflect on issues or problems in my life, or even to praise or create memory of what was good in my life. I was using my Blogger to complain and moan, to whine and ultimately in doing so I had hurt someone close to me by posting something that may have been honest, but it didn't need to be publicized. It was my fault and I was immature in posting it. Now, I am starting over, starting a new life, new chapter, with the love of my life, and a city I adore.
Recently my boyfriend told me that my biggest problem is that I am too hard on myself, over criticize myself, and my expectations for myself are too high. This problem manifests itself into my everyday life and I wasn't aware of it until he mentioned it. Because I am so hard on myself I have been blind to the fact that I have done some really awesome things these past 17 days that I've been in San Francisco. I have been distraught and frustrated with the job options here that I can't see the accomplishment in the many culinary interviews I've had, one of which is happening on Monday, and how I just landed myself a job with Trader Joe's. I've even met the CEO of Digital Promise and all the while have applied to over 50 jobs, maintaining contacts at libraries I may or may not want to work at, and moved into our studio apartment. So I sit here, at Pat's Cafe near Fisherman's Wharf, and ask myself many questions.
Why do I feel so sad and unsatisfied? Why am I so afraid and anxious? Why do I have such a hard time being kind to myself? How do I be kind to myself?
It's interesting how someone can know you so well, as if you floated away from knowing yourself in the confusion of chaos.
I wouldn't say I've lost a part of me while moving from New Jersey to California. Something has changed inside me, it may just be the fear thats rested inside my gut. But something new is here, not familiar, and its uncomfortable. I will move past this fear because it's the only way to survive and maintain my sanity. My boyfriend gave me some wonderful suggestions and I need to listen to them. I need to craft and create, go for a run, drink coffee and read romance novels. Do what makes me happy in all the simple ways because at the end of the day, those are the things that matter most to my center, to my soul. And in hopes to accomplish some kind of mending I will continue to write in a manner that only aids in being gentle and kind to myself.
I'm sad because I miss my family and my home.
I'm afraid and anxious because I'm in a new city and I'm no longer a tourist/traveler. I'm a resident and that's scary in and of itself. I'm here to stay, not visiting. Therefore, not knowing anyone or being involved in any sort of community has caused a great deal of anxiety.
I'm hard on myself because I think it should all come very naturally and easy to me, to be able to up and move and acclimate. But it needs time and 17 days is just not enough.
Again, how can I be better at being kind to myself? I've come to a not so complex realization and that is, if I want to cry, to allow myself to cry. If I want to be in the apartment, then allow myself to be lazy and hermit-like and watch Netflix for a few hours. If I don't want to be social, go to a craft store or book store and read/do something creative! Being kind to yourself does not mean to self-pity. It does not mean you should overly praise yourself either. It simply means, but gentle, you're fragile, and respect this uncomfortable stage. I won't be in this stage long. It will pass and everything will fall into a natural state of order. I like order. I like lists and goals and notes and bullet points. I like order. I like knowing the knowing and doing what I know.
To Acclimate: transitive verb : to adapt to a new temperature, altitude, climate, environment, or situation
I guess I'm still adapting.
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