Its Just How I feel... in Daily, Weekly, etc

I have no idea how much more I can take.. I just feel so powerless, hopeless, defenseless, lonely, invisible, isolated, irritated, angry, guilty, scared, depressed, overwhelmed and down right fucking exhausted!

I just don't know what to do anymore, everywhere I turn I hit face first into a dead end. Its been over 2 1/2 years since getting married and moving up to jax to live with my husband, ever since then I have gotten nowhere.

I'm very unhappy in ever comer of our marriage, mostly due to the fact that that are marriage is mainly centered around him. Full spin! Financially, emotionally, sexually! Everywhere corner he stands!

Financially due to the fact that a 3rd of our monthly expenses consist of his debt! Our monthly living expenses don't even some close to the amount he owes. And to be honest I seriously doubt the number I have been given he owes in back loans and credit cards is correct. Because every now and then I stumble across another loan of sort, plus he has admitted that he has loans that haven't even kicked in yet!

(sigh) This marriage is centered around him emotionally as well, because I have been remind on countless occasions of how easily I can be replaced. So he better give him all the love and affection and support that he needs or else. However my needs are never in consideration! (But Attention Fuck Faces!) (May I have your FUCKING Attention!) He can be replaced as well, and a heck of alot easier than I can!

HIM! HIM! HIM! Everything is fucking centered around HIM!!

Not only emotionally but sexually as well, I really get nothing out of sex due to the chronic pain I experiences after intercourse. Which the doctors have told me could be due to Chronic Pelvic Pain syndrome. So I have to grin and bear it when sex comes into play.

Every time I'm in pain either emotionally or physical he just stands there and stairs at me and then just walks away. O-O

(sigh) Everyday I wake up I just want to pack a bag load up my kitties into the car (which are they only things make me happy) and just roll out... saying goodbye to no one. From which I will go about my life the way it was meant to be. Me trying to survive, and figuring out where I belong and what I should be doing for the rest of my life. Alone. But I don't have enough money or resource to do so.... yet... I need more time.

Right now I feel like a dog tied to a tree in the back yard waiting for its owner to return. I feel this way because when you chain a dog to a tree and leave it there, when you return you naturally expect the dog to be there unless it somehow chewed though its leash. However in my case its not a leach at all but a steel chain that binds me to the tree of which there I sit waiting for his return from sea and which is were he expects me to be, as well as his and my family.

I do not dare to chew through the chain , because If I was to escape where would I go? I have no money due to the fact that we are drowning each month in bills which always leaves the bank account in the negatives. However I have started secretly stashing money, but its going to take awhile before I have enough to get somewhere and start off somewhere decent. I have started looking into getting a 2nd job. (fucking stripping or fucking something) But I don't know how that would work while working full time and going to school part time. ={

However If and when I leave I don't want to talk to him or his family and maybe even my family ever again. Because I know how I will look in this situation, nothing more than the bad guy and he will be nothing more than the sad helpless victim like always.

"Oh poor Baby!" "Women are so mean to you!" "Here let us fix your Halo and kiss you on your forehead"

"Here give me your hand and let me wipe your tears, and blow you sniffling little nose" (Fuck Faces!)

In conclusion I'm going to give all this shit more time for 2 reasons; 1. Something has to give somewhere along the line. 2. I don't have enough fucking money yet!