3 July - 11 July in Days of My Destiny

3 July: Wildlife Park with Kim. That was nice. She's nice. The day was nice. The animals were nice. The koalas were nice. Life felt nice.

Friday 4 July: I met up with Kim, Helen, Tracey and Kate at the park. More small talk, with added laughter. There were some protesters at the park that day hanging around. I don't really know what they were doing, but they handed a letter to someone from the mining office and they all clapped for the person who handed the letter over. Apparently you can't just walk into the mining offices. You used to be able to, and so the protesters used to walk in and abuse the receptionist, so now the mining offices have their door constantly locked and a buzzer. When you buzz, they ask who you are, who you want to see and why. Imagine...

Saturday 5 July: Picnic Races were on down the road. We went for the first time since we moved here. The first year, my brother came to visit and was arriving that day. It was also his birthday so I wanted to obviously spend time with him. THe second year mum was coming to visit and one, it was on a Saturday and two, she'd never be into the races anyway lol. Not that I can talk, I'd never been to any races until the 5th of July. I asked beforehand what people generally wear and was told that there's a wide range of clothing: some people go in their jeans and boots and other people dress right up with dresses and fascinators. I decided for the low-key look seeing as I don't have any dresses that could resemble race wear. Janet had messaged me the day before, telling me she'd be there with some friends and that she'd love to have me there with them. I'd also been invited by Kate to hang out with her. I decided I'd go to both but start out with Janet. Talk about Camp Boring. Wow. There were no smiles and it was all work talk. Just crap. We'd been told by Kate that you can take your own drinks there, so we did, and then Janet and her people were all like ooooh you're not supposed to bring your own drinks and they were acting as though we'd brought in a gun, omg relax people... I know that L used to go the races back in the day and he'd have a crazy drunken time, and even though I know a lot of people do that, I was not planning on that. I figured it's probably not the way it happens here anyway, but gosh I didn't expect a Fun Police party!! Lol. Then Janet - the very lady who had invited me to hang out with her - and her husband, spend the rest of the afternoon walking off talking to all these other people they knew, and we were left there with Janet's sister-in-law making small talk! OMG!!! Someone get me out of here!!!! In the end we went off to Kate's camp and were greeted by complete strangers with these happy, squealy "Hello!!!!"s and wow that felt a lot more welcoming than the other place. So we stayed there the rest of the time. There was another lady who came by and she was rowdy as anything but good for a laugh. I don't know that I could be friends with her, but compared to the first group, this was so refreshing.

L and I have found that people here make a huge big deal out of events, but when we go to them, we just don't really see what the big deal is. I think it's the fact that we're just.not.from.here. So maybe we have different expectations of what a "good time" is. To me, having a good time means letting your hair down, even if only half down, but the idea is to relax and have a laugh and forget about everything else for a minute. Out here it's more like... people still very much have their guard up and their good behaviour on, all because it's a small town. And then there's all the farming talk, which we have no idea about, so that's that.

We drove home happy that we had a good time with Kate and her friends, but also a bit baffled as to why everyone goes on and on and on about the races when it's really not that big a deal for us. L told me that Janet's husband had told him about this Poker Night they were all having later. He didn't invite L, he was just telling him about it. When L told me, I felt so deflated. Like, where's our invite? It's these situations that just throw me. Life goes along fine here, but then something small like this will happen that completely throws my balance out. It could be a thing as small as bad customer service, or being left out of a conversation, or not being invited to something. I don't have a list of what these things are, because it's always something small that takes me by surprise. But that day, this was it. For all her talk about how much of a good friend I am, she doesn't ACTUALLY let me in her circle. There have been times where I've found out about a BBQ they've had at their house and I've been none the wiser. And it's fine, it really is fine, she is allowed to invite whoever she wants, and normally it's not that big a deal, but on this particular day, it really affected me. I was down about it. I felt like I could just have a fun night of Poker, even if I'm crap about it, but no, she has this weird agenda. Like, she invited me so enthusiastically to some church thing next year in Sydney, but yet she won't invite me to a simple fucking poker night down the road. Well fuck you for that. We went home after the races, to nobody but ourselves, and yet your fun continued, you had your poker night with your friends. Don't you know that we could really do with a simple invite? Maybe the Poker Night thing is a tradition they have with certain people each year after the races, who knows. L was disappointed too and we couldn't seem to get ourselves out of this bubble of frustration - until I decided to put on some music and make sopaipillas! Who needs THEM, anyway? We decided, we don't need to be invited to something to have fun, we make our own fun, all the time! Fuck the world!!!

So we stayed up until about 1am, making sopaipillas and listening to music and talking. I love these nights with my man. We analysed for hours this whole situation of "not being invited" and it kept coming up in different ways across different topics. Clearly we weren't still quite over it but we were making the most of our time on this earth in the best way we could at that moment.

The next day (6 July) my cousins dropped in, which I already wrote about. The night before, we were REALLY excited about them coming, almost like their presence would fix the frustrations of the evening before. And you know what? It did! We were spending time with people who love us even if they never see us. I had some great chats with my uncles, my cousin's wife made a dirty joke, my cousin gave me tight squeezes and so on.. it was a bunch of little things that show that these people are COMFORTABLE with us and ACCEPT us for WHO WE ARE - not just the parts of us fit your agenda......... It was family, it was food, it was fun, it was holiday-like, it was love. And really, that's all we need. Please people, give us a chance. All we need is love, just like everybody else. We are just like you.

Monday 7 July: Helen stays over for the night. Her kids and my kids play really well. L is on night shift, so we drink some Bailey's for the night and chat. I realise as the night goes on that I'm tending to talk more negatively about people than positively. I don't know if this is because I feel closest to Helen more than anyone here and therefore I can speak my mind, or if I'm having a bit of a frustration hangover and still getting things off my chest. Either way, as the night goes on, I don't like hearing myself. I probably don't sound as bad, but I know that what's on the inside isn't happiness. I decide I need to change this, and soon. How, I don't know, but when, definitely soon. I almost want to apologise to Helen the next day but I don't bother, after all, I'm human and she's my only friend.

Tuesday 8 July was the first day of "Kids Club", a school holiday thing organized by the church leader, held at the public school, run by some guys from Sydney and Woollongong. It goes from 9am till 12pm, Tuesday to Friday. Target age group: School age kids. Helen and I drop our eldests there on the Tuesday and go with our youngests to the preschool to finish tyre painting. It takes us about 15 minutes to finish these tyres and we're done. We go back to the school and pick up our girls once they're done. It seems they've had fun. That afternoon L's parents were back from their trip down south, ready to stay with us another 3 days. L had called them two nights before to see how they were going and I couldn't understand why on earth he did that, seeing as they were coming back soon anyway and now I'd have nothing to talk to them about because he'd already told them everything we'd been up to. But oh well that's what he did. They got here and turns out that one of my MIL's cousins really wanted to meet us so he drove all the way up here with his wife just to meet us!! Lol. That was pretty cool. They saw where we live. He booked a motel in the next town where we had dinner and it was just so refreshing to have someone actually WANT to be around us that much, lol. He used to work in the mines years ago so him and L had that in common. His wife is just a cute, small-framed, lovely lady. They told us to come and visit anytime, and as soon as we realised that they only live 3 hours away, we decided yes, we definitely will! She loved seeing my sheep and lamb. She said that as a child she used to go up to her uncle's place on school holidays and they ran a sheep farm so that she was always around sheep as a kid, and being around my two littlies brought her back some awesome memories! She's right into her fresh veges and eating really healthily, which was also a nice change. For me, it lightened up the whole "re-arrival" of the in-laws, because my in-laws are dull people - people who go about their daily routine and who are fixated on just getting something done and moving on to the next thing that needs to be done. There's no sense of adventure in them - no wonder they are ageing so fast - it drives me nuts. At the end of our dinner with her cousin, he said to my FIL, "I'm so glad you came to see us, mate - you got me off me arse again!!!" LMAO. It was so friggin funny because that is so NOT how my in-laws talk, lol, but also it was funny because it was unexpected, lololololol.

On Wednesday my in-laws dropped M off at the Kids Club as I was feeling unwell. I'd come down with a strong chill the evening before, straight after my shower. I knew I would be getting sick, and sure enough, the next day bang, I was sick. So they took her. They were only going to drop her off and I'd pick her up later. They messaged me about 10 minutes before they arrived back home to say they were on their way home and only just realised the time and if they wanted me to pick M back up or not. I was so annoyed by this, why didn't they just stay in town that little big longer and bring her home??? I found it hard to believe that they only "just realised the time" - he's ALWAYS looking at his damn watch!!! I was sick!! I wanted to rest!!! So anyway I couldn't think or decide anything so I wrote back that it was up to them as to what they wanted to do. They came home. This also frustrated me because they used to help out a lot more with things like this and now it's like they've reached a point where they just do what they want and don't care about me. At least for me, it's a constant struggle to not think like this. Maybe it's because they are the only people I have that I can really count on when they visit (cos mum is just MUM), or maybe it's because I expect too much, or maybe it's because things really have changed. I think it's all 3. So I was sick and quite tired and had to get up (I had been resting) just to go and pick up my daughter. When my MIL saw how tired I looked she said that they could hop back in the car and get M, but I said it was okay, and internally was thinking, "What the hell for, you already chose to come back."

I had been asked to take some photos of all the activities at the Kids Club and I said I'd do that either on Wednesday or Thursday. I didn't do it on Wednesday because I was sick, but what I didn't know was that I'd wake up much worse on Thursday. I thought of cancelling and asking Janet to take photos (she had offered), but I didn't want it to seem like an excuse. Besides, I was really looking forward to the chance of taking photos again. So I went. I was sore all over, the day was soooo cold. There was a snow-cold, strong wind blowing about, and even though I was wearing a shirt, pullover and thick jacket over the pullover, I still felt the wind go right through my bones. I think that made me a LOT worse. I came home and went straight to bed. Thank goodness the in-laws were here to watch the girls. Not that they need constant watching anymore, but they kept them company and kept them somewhat entertained so that I ended up resting much longer than I would have otherwise. I slept all afternoon. When I got up, my head felt about a thousand times bigger and I was dizzy, I could barely move or talk. I sat on the couch and did nothing else. L cooked dinner and brought it to me. That night was a Kids Club movie night, so L and his parents went with the girls so I could get some more rest. I went to bed at 6:50pm and stuffed around on facebook for a little while and then read my book (Life of Pi) until I crashed at 8pm. I slept until 8am this morning. Little L cried at 1am because she needed the toilet and i stayed awake and read my book for another 20 minutes before falling asleep again. Little L then cried again at 4am after having a nightmare. She came into my bed then and we had a bit of a chat before she went back to bed. Other than that I did not stir.

I took the girls to Kids Club today - turns out that littlies are welcome too as long as the parents stay with them, so Little L got to enjoy the Kids Club too. They did singing and art and games and craft. There was a puppet there too. The whole theme for the week was how Jesus brings forgiveness and friendship. I like that it wasn't the only thing they did, it wasn't brainwashing or Bible bashing - it was a short, sweet message each day, age-appropriate and then they moved onto some other things kids enjoy. When we left today, M had a big sook because she wanted to stay with her friends, and she didn't stop her whining until I myself had a meltdown from not being able to handle it - my head still felt gigantic and I needed rest. We've been home 2 hours and thankfully the girls have been getting along outside the whole time. It's a beautiful warm day today. I'm almost all better.