January 2021 in The 2020s

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2021

Doing this entry from my treadmill. I’m walking at 2.5 mph after doing a bit of jogging at 4 mph. I don’t want my hip to act up so I’m taking it easy.

I’m excited that 2021 is here! This is it. The year we escape this place! I never expect to find a quiet place since almost everywhere has gotten noisy these days but I’m sure we can get a quieter place. Any place not in a flight path and not on a busy street has to be quieter. So unless we trade in the planes, traffic, and projects for barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music, I’m almost positive the next place will be heaven compared to this.

I listened to 75 audiobooks in 2020 but many of them were just 2-hour true crime books.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I tried to shoot a pic of one of the planes going overhead so people could see how close they come to us, but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of the sunlight.

Although I thought I slept well, I went from a sleep score of 90 to 83 and I’ve been tired today. I napped for a little over an hour and it helped a little but I’m still kind of tired.

I only burn 13 calories every 15 minutes in my sleep. Damn! That’s it?

I just hope Tom doesn’t have a third spell. Again he got weak, dizzy, and shaky a couple of days ago and his blood sugar dropped to 74. In five days he has a video appointment and he’ll mention it to our doctor then.

Didn’t realize Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods were two different things. We tried Amazon Fresh and as soon as they get here, we’re going to try Whole Foods. Looking forward to my crab rangoons, spanakopita and a few other things Walmart doesn’t have.

Walmart pissed me off the other day because they had non-spicy peanut sauce pictured on their site, yet I got spicy. Buying from Amazon Fresh or Whole Foods is better in that I can see reviews and get a sense of what’s really spicy and what’s not.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2021

Just when I was doing better for sleep and energy, I’m exhausted again. Due to yesterday’s nap, I ended up being up forever and slept much later than I normally would have. So my schedule made a big jump that jeopardizes my getting to the dentist. Hoping to crash earlier tonight and get up at least no later than I did today.

As I told Aly, who understands sleep problems well, what would I do without her and Tom to remind me of the things I so stupidly forget like the fact that I have Calms Forte. Last night I wasted my time taking a couple of Walmart children’s Benadryl which did absolutely nothing for me. That’s not what one should be taking anyway. I try to stay away from melatonin because I sometimes wake up in the middle of my sleep and have trouble falling back asleep with that, or I have nightmares and wake up with a headache. I’ll remember the Calms Forte tonight if I need it.

I read an article explaining that most people who are low on thyroid like me can’t seem to be able to lose weight even with treatment and how they recommend two to three large meals with no snacks in between instead of eating more often in smaller amounts. Funny too, because that’s what I started doing a couple of weeks ago and it’s at least helping me to not gain more.

I’m going to try to make a point of burning at least 2K calories a day. Yesterday I got something like 12,500 steps and burned a little over 2K cals. The treadmill is much easier on my hips than the hard pavement since there’s a slight give in the wood underneath the treadmill. I usually do 3 sessions where I start off sprinting for a minute or two and then I walk briskly while I do a puzzle. I’m aiming for at least 45 minutes of exercise a day although I suppose an hour might be better. I’ll never be under 154-155, but if I do this, it should make it harder for me to see the 160s.

I had a dream that we were living in a house that looked absolutely unlike this one, but we were still about to move. We had to empty out my bedroom for some reason and Tom told me to think carefully about where I wanted to replace the bed when we put the furniture back in the room. I decided that rather than to the right side of the window, which I realized could also go to the left side of it without the drapes hanging, I could move it further up the wall towards the door and then sleep on the other side of the bed where the mattress was supposedly more even.

I then walked down a wide hallway with dark hardwood floors and found Tom lying on a couch-bed listening to a Stephen King audiobook.

Then I swear Adonis was in one of my dreams and we were discussing how bad my memory had gotten over the years.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2021

We walked just over two miles this morning. It was only 50 degrees but warm in the sunlight. I’m still having three large meals a day and I’m definitely not as hungry as often. I’m just starting to get hungry being 45 minutes away from my second meal. I usually go 5 hours between meals. Didn’t have my last meal yesterday because I was tired, and I crashed early. Was able to back my schedule up by an hour but it’s still two hours ahead of where it should be.

I didn’t quite burn 2K calories yesterday but I came close at 1958 or something like that with over 12K steps. Woke up at 155.2 but I know my body. It will reset itself back to 157 no matter what I do. But if I can bounce between 155-157 indefinitely and avoid hitting the 160s, it’s not all bad.

We ordered a sound machine so I could have a portable one in the hotel since we don’t expect to go from house to house. It would also be good to have because I’ll be in an area that’s likely to have more power outages since they have real storms there. We’re supposed to have heavy T-storms and wind tomorrow, believe it or not.

I messaged Dr. Ostrander telling her we’re moving in a few months and I would love to get together with her somewhere one last time because I think she may find a discovery I made rather interesting that had a hand in my anxiety that we never discussed. That’s the brand issue, of course. I told her I’d like an answer either way even though she doesn’t have to give me any kind of explanation if she doesn’t want to but I’m not stupid. I know I won’t hear back from her. At that point, that’s when I’ll tell her about it anyway and how surprised I am that none of my doctors ever suggested this to me, not that she wasn’t a great doctor.

Pawandeep, the Indian lady Tom used to work with texted him and they chatted for a bit. She didn’t mention being laid off, so we assume she’s still working there. Of course they would lay off the older white guy before they laid off the younger Indian woman, but they definitely ended up doing him a hell of a favor with the virus about to really break out. Not to mention the fact that he’s actually making more on Unemployment than when he was working. Anyway, he told her we were heading for Florida in a few months.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was still 47 years old and he and I were discussing squeezing in a kid at the last minute and having me artificially inseminated since I was older. Then I thought about it and didn’t want to put myself through all that, so I backed out.

In another dream, I was sharing my journals with Aly via email one year at a time.

Something hit me earlier that Tom and I were talking about. Anytime I have dreams that we’ve already moved, it’s never in a park. When we were stuck in hotels when we first came down here and an apartment seemed inevitable, any dream I had about moving was never in an apartment. They may not mean anything at all but if they really are signs of any kind and I’m reading the dreams right, we won’t be starting off in a park. Can’t say that I have a strong feeling about that one way or another, but the dreams make me wonder if they’re little hints about where we’re heading.

Furthermore, I don’t see how any park would take us. They usually want you to make three times the space rent and with $1,300 a month, I don’t see any space rent being that cheap.

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 2021

Crying now because we’re likely going to have to euthanize ratty rat soon. He’s still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain despite not being able to walk well anymore or lift his head up all the way since the biggest tumor is at the nape of his neck, but the end is near and things can only go downhill for him at this point. Tom read about rat experts that recommend putting them in a tank like one of our plastic bins and mixing vinegar with baking soda and how you can’t hurt them even if it fails because all it will do is put them to sleep for a while. If you use enough of the mixture, though, they won’t wake up. sighs sadly Next grocery order we’ll get the required ingredients.

It’s been raining hard for hours now. Cali really needs the rain too! No thunder like they predicted but sure enough, it isn’t stopping them from running around with their obnoxious blowers. It seems it isn’t just the park obsessed with that shit but also the Cross Community park near the Rite Aid we ran out to.

Red wine may stain teeth, but I missed my merlot, so I got some of Barefoot’s brand which I think is the best version I’ve ever tried, along with Sutter Home’s Moscato which has become my second favorite wine.

I’ve been up for 3 hours and strangely enough, I’m not hungry yet. I did have a couple of bites of my candy bar, though, and a small yogurt so my stomach isn’t entirely empty. Once I start feeling hungry, I’ll make some pecan-smoked chicken wings. Feeling kind of cold and tired, so I’ll pre-heat the oven now. Eating will hopefully give me some energy.

Only I could jump nearly a pound with the 500-calorie deficit like I had yesterday. I know water fluctuations can affect the scale from day to day but still, this is ridiculous. One should be able to work this hard and see results and I don’t mean just a few pounds either. But my weight is going to slowly reset itself no matter what. At least once I’m back to 157, I can work it back down to 155 and just keep bouncing between that 2-pound range for as long as I can. As long as I can never have normal TSH numbers, weight loss will remain impossible. At least I think it would. Maybe I would still get nowhere with it even with normal numbers because look at all the fat people out there. They don’t all have bad thyroids but then I don’t know if they’re willing to slave their ass off by exercising for an hour every day and modifying their calories as I have. So I don’t know what would have happened had I had normal numbers any more than I’ll ever know if I still wouldn’t have conceived had Tom been normal sexually. I would doubt it, though.

Anyway, staying in the 150s may not be the healthiest thing and yes, it does make some things in life a little harder but at least I’m not wheelchair-bound because of it. When I saw a video about a woman who was hundreds of pounds overweight and bedridden, I told myself to shut up and stop complaining! After all, my body wouldn’t be determined to hang on to its weight if it didn’t feel it needed it and I know deep down I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

That bubbly feeling started in my chest again but it’s like it could barely get started. It’s almost like it tried to do it but couldn’t. Definitely does seem to be more likely in the morning just like the article I read said, though I still don’t know what it is much less if it’s serious or not. I’d say it hasn’t occurred enough to be worth mentioning to my doctor and hopefully it will stay that way. I’ve had enough shit in life!

I’ve also had enough of trying to get my book removed. Scribd obviously has no intentions of removing it no matter what Smashwords does. It’s okay, though. It’s only going to sell once a lifetime and I do share some of my journals for free after all. Hey, I made the Arizona Republic a lot of money so why not make Scribd just a little, right? I’m used to working for free or at other people’s expense. if I was meant to profit from anything I do, I wouldn’t have this sleep disorder.

So Tanya Roberts died at age 65. They won’t say why other than that it wasn’t the virus. By the time she entered Charlie’s Angels, I had pretty much given up watching the show. Once Kate Jackson left, I wasn’t all that interested.

I had a dream that my dad and Kim from MA were visiting and also that the termite found my new number somehow and left a message. Don’t know what she said in the message, but I recognized her voice right away. She definitely would call too, if she got ahold of the number, so I’m glad that that’s one of the few things in this country they don’t make public. Especially with the way Androids often make it a hassle to block numbers.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2021

I guess you really can’t weigh yourself every day after all, with water fluctuations and things like that. I ate more yesterday yet I’m down today. Still can’t believe I’m on to anything but I’m definitely going to stick to this way of eating because it will make it harder to hit the 160s and I feel good this way as well.

We tested my blood sugar when I got up and it was 107. Definitely not great but a little lower than the last time the lab tested it.

Even though I was quite lazy yesterday and didn’t even make 7K steps and only burned a little over 1700 calories, I got 12 accidental zone minutes due to my high HR.

We went out walking today and as usual, it wasn’t very peaceful with all the landscaping. Also had to dodge dogwalkers and heard a couple of planes but it was otherwise pleasant. The air was cold, but the sun was warm.

Passed by one house that’s sort of nearby that has a picket fence on one end of it where an unattended dog was left outside to bark. That’s so westerner too. I wonder…if we were in the same size park with the same street layout in Florida, would we encounter more dogwalkers, assuming more people there are okay with dogs living indoors?

I thought I’d been hearing a bark lately that wasn’t loud enough to be annoying and didn’t go on for hours like Jesse’s dogs used to and like they used to in Phoenix. I wrote it off as being Santa’s dogs even though I thought it sounded slightly different. It’s unlikely it’s being left outside at night or else I would have heard it for sure.

This time we walked for 33 minutes and I got 25 zone minutes.

They finally removed my book, so that chapter of my life is definitely closed! It was fun and interesting at first but definitely not worth the lack of money and the shit that went along with it. Writing is such a black-and-white world. You either don’t make shit or you make a fortune.

I don’t know if “anxious” is the proper word to describe how I felt yesterday, but I felt a little off emotionally, so I decided to skip my meds today. I’m also going to start taking my statin with my last meal of the day because sometimes a kiddy yogurt isn’t enough to prevent feeling nauseous.

It would be great if we could find an ideal house on an Ideal piece of land as I don’t know that any park would take us since once we’re out of here, that’s it, the money is gone. We’ll probably never again have money like this and that’s okay as long as we can afford what we need. However, it would be harder to get out of a house on land than a house in a park where they’re more in demand should that climate backfire on one of us or both of us.

I don’t think we’ll ever literally be broke again. At least not like we were in Auburn. Not sure if he’ll ever work again but he may not need to if we get a place where the payments end up being a little over $200 a month. I’m all for taking a chance and starting on land, though, since I hate communities and I don’t know that I would sleep any better in a park there than I do here. Starting to get the feeling that we’re not going to be in a park, actually, but it’s all going to depend on what we find. I’m still open to the idea of a park if we find an ideal location and they’re willing to take us.

So Tanya Roberts has gone from dead to supposedly not dead and then back to being dead after a UTI spread to other organs and then invaded her bloodstream. I didn’t think these things still happened these days with antibiotics in existence.

I had a series of dreams that morphed into each other. I was following Maliheh down a city street when I said I wanted some hard candy. A pile of lollipops then magically appeared on a table sitting on a sidewalk that she pointed out which was then suddenly inside a store.

Then a crazy woman was saying some nonsensical stuff to me and appeared to become angry rather quickly. Knowing she wasn’t right in the head and not wanting to stick around for her to lash out at me with whatever paranoid delusions were going through her mind, I picked up my pace and then found it was nighttime. I decided to head home and passed a parking lot where a couple of employees in their twenties were mopping it. I thought of what a shitty job that would be to have, and then I was in our park.

I passed a house for sale that I knew belonged to a relative of Marie’s that died. I knew she knew that I lived down the street and that she was ignoring me for some reason. I wondered if she had left yet but when I saw a light on in one of the windows, I knew she was still there.

In the last dream, my cousin Sharyn came to visit. It was summertime and I was in a sundress. I was totally embarrassed and self-conscious as I suddenly realized I had forgotten to shave under my arms. So I offered to make her coffee to use as an excuse to quickly shave while it was brewing.

A second later I was wearing a bodysuit and lying on top of a bed next to some girl as Sharyn was writing something on a nearby chalkboard. I looked down at myself and decided I should put my sundress back on.

In real life, I left a message on her wall since it’s been a while, not that she would dare think to say hello to me first, of course.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2021

Oh, look at that. Sharyn posts every single day but happens to skip a day when I leave a message on her wall. More than likely she’s just delaying having to acknowledge and respond to me unless she decides, in the end, to pretend she didn’t see it.

However, Sharyn’s the least of my concerns. The fact that a mob has stormed the US Capitol and is attempting to overthrow our government with Trump’s support and help right along with the damn pigs themselves, is rather big news. Tom says we could have a big problem if they don’t get it under control and they don’t throw Trump in jail for it because then it could happen again, the Constitution could be overthrown, all laws could be thrown out, and then it’s just a matter of those with the guns being in control.

I’m starting to see where blacks really are victims as much as perpetrators. Yes, what happened to me is all too commonplace. Many courts/laws do favor them these days, but I can also see where they do get shot more by the police and have less support where the police are concerned, thugs or not. Because the majority of Trump supporters are white, Tom believes that’s why the police aren’t so quick to take action against them from storming the Capitol.

I hope he’s right in thinking the pigs will eventually get things under control because if they don’t, it could get in the way of Biden being sworn in and increase the violence against minorities, including me. I just thank God that if worse comes to worst, Ashkenazi doesn’t “show.” It’s hard to hide being black, and you can usually tell when someone’s gay or lesbian but fortunately, no one can look at me and see that I’m Jewish even if I’m about as religious as a rat is regardless of what I look like.

Trump was definitely the worst thing to happen to this country as religion is the worst thing to happen to the world. The fucking cock encouraged his twisted supporters to do this and delayed calling in the National Guard. He only sent the National Guard when other states said they would send theirs.

Whites are just as wrong for doing what they’re doing today as blacks are for rioting and looting when one of their own gets shot. What’s happening today is definitely worse, though. Smashing AutoZone’s windows and looting Target just isn’t the same as storming the Capitol.

I was just thinking the other night that I was glad I didn’t have 50 or 60 years left to live because while some things definitely do get better with time like the fact that gays/les can marry, I think the world, in general, is also getting worse. When you see certain things still happening or that start happening in 2020 that you’ve never seen happen before or that you never thought would or could happen, you realize that anything is possible. The world really could go to hell and be overtaken by all kinds of crazy Hitler-like people. I’m sure Anne Frank never thought that she would be kidnapped by a bunch of crazies and then tortured, starved and killed.

This shit could get in the way of a lot of things including moving although I don’t think or sense this shit will go on indefinitely. I sure as hell hope not! We’re always looking at what’s available and I realize that at this point, as long as nothing throws us off track, our future home is probably on the market right now, especially if it is on a piece of land and not in a park. So we’re just a click away from home but don’t know where to click!

Tom had his video meeting with Dr. A who he could tell was at home. He could see a bookcase and a hallway in the background but didn’t hear anything. I could tell by her latest profile picture that she definitely lives in a much quieter area than we do. I swear I’ve heard half a dozen helicopters today and I’m not even in the middle of my day yet.

Anyway, she said that the spells he’s been having, and the tremors are normal although there’s a blood pressure medication that helps with that if it gets worse. She recommended adding protein to all his meals and lab work and a physical, of course. So we’re going to get blood drawn around the same time.

My blood pressure is still a bit high but since I don’t expect to lose any more weight than I have, I would rather just live with it than take medication. It’s still better than it was. Especially since I’ve cut down on sodium. At my age, I can’t ever expect to have normal blood pressure or glucose levels ever again.

The sleep schedule program he wrote has my schedule jumping 1 hour and 15 minutes a day. I now think it’s around 1 hour and 20 minutes a day. We’re going to download the raw data off my Fitbit sleep sometime and he’ll be able to calculate the numbers and adjust the program accordingly.

After I use a few coded drafts on PB, I’m definitely hanging up the tracking for a while because it’s a pain in the ass since I have to code each individual entry and to be honest, there isn’t anyone in particular I’m looking for or hoping to see. Or not to see for that matter. It’s just a bunch of countries and pretty meaningless at this point.

Okay, they’ve now secured the Capitol. But do I see Trump ever getting arrested for instigating this? No, I don’t, sadly.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2021

I went through Sharyn’s posts back as far as Christmas. That’s enough time to tell me she posts quite religiously. At least half a dozen times a day. Then I leave a message and the posting stops. Funny, ain’t it? Only I don’t believe in coincidences. I’m also not dumb enough to think she suddenly decided to abandon her account. I’m sure she’s either gone friends-only or is just hoping that if she gives it enough time I’ll forget about the message if she doesn’t post that she’s been busy and will try to get back to people or something like that. So yeah, unless she got hit by a car again and this time wasn’t nearly as lucky, I’m not stupid. I am, however, a little surprised and disappointed in her. I didn’t think she’d go so far as to not post anything just because I left a message that she would prefer not to respond to.

Doctors must have a much harder rule than I realized about being in touch with even former patients since I made it clear that we’re moving. But between Ostrander and Alyssa, they obviously aren’t allowed to associate with former patients any more than current ones. For some reason, I thought the former ones were acceptable but unless it’s just me personally and she doesn’t want to deal with me or respond any more than Sharyn does, I guess it’s considered unethical of her.

A year or so after we move, I’ll still send messages to Docs A, N, and G just for kicks for them to ignore as well if they even see them in the first place. I’ll probably even say hi to Stacey again. I guess it’s just what we bored writers do, LOL.

I still can’t believe yesterday’s insurrection and that an American president of all presidents would incite a riot in hopes of overthrowing the government. This is all on top of deliberately withholding vaccinations for most people simply because he didn’t win. A lot more of us could be vaccinated by now if it weren’t for this fucker that I would absolutely love five minutes alone with.

I’m glad I was right about Trump not being re-elected, but I can’t help but wonder if he had been. Would we be vaccinated by now? Would they have busted into the Capitol?

If we don’t get vaccinated before the move we may not be able to fly even if we wanted to because they may make a rule forbidding anyone who hasn’t been vaccinated to fly.

Texas is still a possibility as well as Florida. He did the math and found that with a 20K down payment, we should be able to get a place up to 90K. I definitely want to avoid states like Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi and Georgia. Southern Texas is appealing climate-wise but then I also don’t want to get too close to Mexico either. I’ve seen what the Mexicans can do in Phoenix and also in Maricopa. I don’t want to see it again. Why is it that those I would rather avoid want to live where I want to live? I still want tropical but tropical is more expensive, crowded, and noisy. It really is a trade-off, alright. The question is just how much I’m willing to trade. Depends on what we could get for it. I would certainly go to a climate that’s a little colder than I’d like as opposed to living in a more populated and less safe city that’s warmer.

Then there’s money. We could get so much for a lot less in certain parts of Northeastern Texas. I’d rather have a little extra money to do more things in a colder place than not have extra money in a warmer place. Yes, I hate the cold and a climate like Oregon and Nebraska is completely out of the question but if it was similar to this it may be worth it depending on what we could get out of it. More space, more peace, and more money might be worth it depending on what we find. I wish I was completely oblivious to climate altogether because then we could just get the fuck out of this fucked up country and go to Canada.

I forgot the name of the town (Pollok?) but there is a great-looking 1800-square-foot place with huge rooms on a decent-sized lot that doesn’t have much around it. The only negatives are that there is a small airport nearby and it backs up to farmland. I don’t expect the small airport to be that busy since it’s in a rural town, but I wonder what loud equipment may be running on the farm and if the place constantly smells of cow shit like Maricopa did. It’s still tempting!

I’d say we’re definitely moving, though, based on the dream I had. This place didn’t look like it really does, as usual, but we had just finished packing everything up and as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself how I couldn’t believe that tomorrow night I wouldn’t be sleeping there or ever again. That would be wonderful so I didn’t have to go to sleep like I will next time around knowing that I’m going to be woken up by garbage trucks. I fucking hate that. I’m just so fucking sick of that and I can’t wait to escape it! Got to get up just because they collect the trash, got to get up because they read the meter, got to get up because some fucker has to blast by in some insanely loud vehicle. It’s gotten bad just about everywhere, so this is why we really have to choose wisely when it comes to our final destination. Definitely not going to miss the projects and the daily landscaping. The dead of night should be peaceful. Not full of planes and traffic, although tonight it’s too bad. It would take one hell of a place and one hell of a climate for such a racket to be worth it and let’s just say it’s no place we could ever afford.

Even though I’m still not sure if I believe in curses or not, I really do seem to have sleep issues above and beyond the norm. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, how can you not feel cursed? So I worry I’m going to have problems even if we were in a place that was dead quiet. If there’s anything out there that doesn’t want me to sleep, it’s not going to let me. It could just make sure I had more insomnia or that I wake up more often and can’t get back to sleep, couldn’t it?

The US virus death toll is now over 4K a day just as I figured it would be knowing how stupid most people are. They just had to get together over the holidays.

Tomorrow my beloved ratty will be joining the death count. We just can’t let him go on this way anymore. So tomorrow we’ll be euthanizing him. We want to do it in the daytime so we can bury him once he’s gone. :-(

We also have to change the pigs’ cages. They fucking stink tonight. We don’t expect to re-home them until sometime in mid to late February. Blitz finally caught on that yes, he really needs vitamin C and has been eating the tablets we spent a fortune on. He doesn’t eat as much of the food as Rockefeller does which is fortified.

My hair is still as unmanageable as ever and I’m at the point where I’m practically ripping out knots as I brush through it because I’ve lost patience with it. Depending on how much longer it is until we’re vaccinated, I may just go ahead and cut it myself.

I walked both outdoors and on the treadmill today since my hip is okay and I knew I wouldn’t have energy tomorrow. I’ve been up for 10 hours and my current stats are as follows:

21 zone mins
41 active mins
9764 steps
1723 cals burned
6 hr, 38 mins of sleep
Sleep score: 85

Bet tomorrow’s score will be under 85 thanks to the trash truck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2021

My little Fuzzy buddy is gone. :( It wasn’t long after I got up that we noticed he was in the opening of his burrow appearing weak and struggling to breathe. At that point, I could kick myself for not letting him go last night.

Tom quickly set up the euthanizer which is a bottle of vinegar that he cut a hole out for inserting a funnel into as well as a plastic tube in the opening that he sealed with a glue gun. The funnel is for slowly dispensing the baking soda into the vinegar and of course, the plastic tube goes into the cage for the colorless gas to flow out of. You don’t have to cover the tank because carbon dioxide is heavier than air. You just have to make sure you don’t put in too much baking soda at once otherwise you’ll suffocate the animal, and it won’t be much better than smothering them with a pillow or something. You want them to fall asleep, then go unconscious, and then suffocate. He got the exact measurements online.

Anyway, what broke my heart was that before we got him into the tank, he gave out a little squeal and appeared to really be in pain and struggling to breathe as his body convulsed and his tail flapped around. Then he went still but I could see some traces of movement, suggesting he was still breathing at least a little. By the time we finally got him set up in the tank, I don’t know if he was dead or had gone unconscious. Tom said he noticed breathing and was most likely unconscious but not dead. The euthanizer worked fast as it was supposed to. The whole process only takes a few minutes.

I just feel horrible. Not just for the loss of the adorable ratty that lived 773 days but because I wish we’d acted sooner. Maybe it would have spared him some suffering but at least it’s over now and he didn’t seem to suffer for long.

He’s buried outside between the master bedroom and next door’s garage. I hate the sound of that shovel slicing through the dirt, but I’ve heard it many times. It’s a sad sound to me.

So now it’s just the pigs until next month. It isn’t that I don’t like the pigs or would wish any harm on them, of course, but I definitely don’t care about them in the way I cared about Fuzzy. When it comes to rodents, I’m just more of a rat person. It’s been that way since 1998 and that will never change.

On top of that, they’re going to be turning off the water from 9 to 5 on Tuesday to fix 3 water leaks. I appreciate that they’ve gotten better with warning us and that this shit’s happening less often but damn am I not going to miss it! Really miss the days of being able to shower anytime I want and not having to worry that the water may suddenly go off for one of these “emergencies.”

Tom was saying that it might actually be better if Trump wasn’t forced out of power because then Pence would become president and he would have to pardon Trump. Trump may actually stand a better chance of being convicted of something if they leave things alone until the 20th.

I get what he’s saying but I highly doubt he’ll ever have to answer for a damn thing he’s ever done. As Tom said, though, the most important thing is that he’s not president after the 20th. Still can’t believe how crazy, hateful, delusional and downright mean this little cock is. Just as scary is how many followers the sick fuck has. How do you do this shit and end up with so many people supporting and following you? I just don’t get that. But then Charles Manson had his share of supporters as well. There’s always someone willing to support anyone.

Feeling a little off again. It isn’t that I’m getting stabbed in the chest with adrenaline so much as I just feel a little off emotionally in the way that I only began to experience since taking this medication, so I might skip tomorrow as well. I just hate to fuck my metabolism up even more and risk inviting more weight.

Bad news from Aly as well and that’s that she tested positive for the virus. I’m not surprised but that’s great that she’s asymptomatic. Let’s hope she stays that way! This is exactly why we’ve been hiding as if we’re fugitives on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. The only unnecessary trips that we make are those weekly Rite Aid trips and we wear masks, mandated or not, totally foolproof or not.

Did some reading out of curiosity last night and found out something rather interesting about Facebook. There have been some people which I’ve wondered if they’ve either muted or ignored my messages. Well, now I know they haven’t. I read that if you don’t see the “ignore messages” or “mute conversation” options in Messenger then that means that they have ignored or muted you. If you do see these then they haven’t. I noticed that some businesses that don’t handle support issues on Facebook that I’ve got automated messages from when I did try to reach out to them have their “ignore messages” options missing.

So Alyssa isn’t muting or ignoring me and neither is Ostrander. But does this mean they’ve read my messages? I guess it’s likely.

Ostrander just heard from me one last time. I told her about the brand issue and that I never did hear back from her son who I blocked because while he may have been perfectly harmless, I had no idea how he got ahold of my name or what his game was. I told her we were moving and wished her luck and that was it.

I haven’t messaged Alyssa in nearly half a year because I just haven’t been interested in doing so but I couldn’t resist saying hello to her husband when I was curious to see if his gym was open since I know that a lot of gyms have been closed and saw the email address listed.

I also noticed that Stacey created a second Facebook account for some reason. She’s connected to her son there but not her husband. Yes, I messaged her as well, letting her know that we were moving soon and that I hoped she was well. I added that I just turned 55 and maybe when I’m 60 I’ll say hello again, LOL. If she got the message, she’s making sure I don’t know it and I know you can do that.

Sharyn is back to her half-dozen daily posts and has completely ignored my message. Yes, I know it could be a glitch on Facebook’s part or that she simply missed it or didn’t get a notification, but I’d say the odds of that aren’t very good. Not sure what it was I said or did but since I don’t want to bother with anyone that doesn’t want to bother with me, I deleted the message.

Do I think it was rude of her? Yeah, I do although I can’t say I’m all that surprised. Just like with Phillip and Jennifer, people may talk to you once or twice and then they just ghost. I’m not sure why or if this is something that only happens to me, but it was definitely rude. She could have at least “liked” it or wrote a quick “Fine, thank you” or “I hope you’re well too.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2021

Apparently, we psychics have “reactions” when we’re onto something just like a dog alerts us to something it’s trained to find. Well, after looking at some houses and being like, yeah, maybe, I “alerted” to one instantly, twirling with excitement and feeling tears of hope and desire sting my eyes. I knew it was the right place for us. Funny too, because it’s actually in a park in Port St Lucie, an area I’m somewhat familiar with since it’s in the Stuart/Jensen Beach area. I’m sure my parents knew it very well. It’s only about 10 to 15 minutes away from the beach they would go to when they lived on Nettles Island.

What made this house so spectacular was that it’s a co-op which means it would be easier to get into. We’re going to be low-income when we leave here probably for the rest of our lives so I don’t know that any park with land leasing would be quick to take us. I’ve never really understood money or been all that good with it so I can’t say for sure. All I can say is that we both agree a co-op would be better for many different reasons, the main one being that it’s cheaper and would leave us with money left over each month for other things. We don’t want to end up in the same situation as in Maricopa where the house sucked every last dime out of us.

The house wasn’t perfect any more than any other house, but it was damn ideal. I don’t want to get into describing much of it since sadly, now that they’ve dropped it to 69K, I can’t see it being on the market when we’re ready to get a place. I’ll just say that it’s a 1500-square-foot 1988 place in great condition with a great view since it’s right on the lake. Yes, we would have neighbors close to us but it’s a tiny park and I wouldn’t expect there to be nearly as much traffic.

Just like you know it when you find the right person, I guess you know it when you find the right house. It was the same reaction as when we were checking out manufactured home parks and I walked into the one we ended up getting. I just didn’t know we were going to be getting a shitty life along with it and that he would eventually lose his job and then we would lose the house.

So yeah, it was a great house in a great location in a great town even though it is a little more populated than it is here, and I’m sure I would love the climate even though it does get nippy at night in the winter there.

There’s a lot of good in rural but that might not be the smartest idea since we are getting older. We know we would be better off in a park, especially when our golden years aren’t so golden anymore and we’re not able to take vacations and the party is basically over. We would still want to be where there would be activities for us to partake in be it bingo or whatever. I just don’t want a dumpy piece of shit that’s in a crowded park, totally choked off by other houses. We looked at one like that for 45K and while the good in that would be that we could remodel it to our tastes and soundproof it easier, that would take time and money, and the place was less than 1000 square feet. The neighbors were even closer than they are here.

So if the location doesn’t feel right, I would rather go with land. It would really be ideal if we could get a place where I may still have to get a sleep pod for traffic, mowers, and any projects going on but that wasn’t noisy enough to be worth soundproofing.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though I can’t help but be excited about this place. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It’s been on the market for 213 days and this is the third price drop down from 90K so I can’t believe it’s going to sit there until March or April. I say it’s gone this month. And then I just have to hope we find something just as ideal when it is time to get a place. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m going to be this excited over whatever we end up getting. I just couldn’t get that lucky. I think there’s going to have to be some settling involved but we could still get something better than this.

I know that where there’s a will there’s a way, but I filled out an opt-out form with ZabaSearch anyway to see if they’ll remove our address. I get that there’s no way, as they said in their FAQs, to remove all personal info from the internet, but if this is one more thing I can remove, why not?

I used to believe that those that try to hide their info had something worth hiding but since having my privacy invaded, I see things in a whole new light and can totally understand their frustration. It really has a way of making you feel violated. Even if you don’t have anything to hide and there’s no direct threat hanging over your head, the point is simple… It’s no one’s business. Looking a person up is no different than peering through the windows of their house. It’s wrong. If information isn’t given to you, then you shouldn’t be able to look for it. I’m pretty much an open book in that anyone can ask me anything they want to know and there’s a damn good chance they’ll get an answer, too. But that’s the way it should be. My business should only be yours if I make it yours.

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2021

While I slept today, Tom did some more research on that park in Port St Lucie. I was wrong in assuming it’s a small park. It’s actually a small section of a huge club with a few thousand homes. It’s called the Savanna Club. They have three pools, golf courses, and a lot more. It’s a gorgeous and upscale-looking place. However, we’re totally confused about why they would have such nice houses for so cheap. And we’re also confused by the way it lists such low payments yet says it’s on leased land.

Upon his research, he found that there’s actually a long-term lease where after so many years the owner of the club owns everything that’s a part of it which means if you’re still there when the lease expires, you would either have to pay a fortune to stay there or move. The question is when the lease began and for how many years does it last? If it doesn’t expire for 30 years, then we’re okay as long as there are no other hidden catches like additional monthly fees they don’t mention. Maybe the low amount they list is in addition to space rent that’s not listed.

As much as I would love to live there and as much as I think it may still be noisy, though not nearly as noisy as here, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get in.

The place is only 4 miles away from one of the places my parents lived in on Nettles Island and he thinks that that’s probably why they went there. So they could get so much more for less. It’s just amazing that they could do it without the help of the internet! But she also got a huge inheritance and 89K for the Longmeadow house. I don’t know exactly how much it was, but I know it was a decent amount. They bought a nice RV to go down in when they were looking for a place.

He was surprised to accidentally discover a nuclear power plant nearby and wonders if that might be part of why the costs are lower. Or at least the costs that they list. I can see where some people may be concerned about the reactors breaking during a hurricane.

Anyway, whether we can get in or not, and we won’t know until it comes time to actually contact a realtor so they can explain precisely what the deal is, it’s absolutely beautiful there and would be a good place to grow old. As with any place, though, it does have its pros and cons. For example, you are responsible for your own yard work just like here which means the “daily buzz” would follow me there. I may not hear the really loud obnoxious blowers that you hear here and perhaps not as many saws, but there would still be enough mowing, blowing and trimming going on, and according to all their rules, he didn’t see anything that designated landscaping to specific days.

Another negative is that while I don’t think commercial planes would be an issue, there are more small airports so I’m guessing that since it’s a heavily populated area that small planes and helicopters would be a regular thing.

More people and fewer whites are also a bit of a negative, but I don’t care what color they are as long as they aren’t the white-hating, race-card-playing welfare bums we had in Phoenix, and of course they couldn’t be even remotely close to that. We did have Mexican neighbors in Maricopa, and they were no problem. Trashy, yes. I hated the way they would let some of their trash blow onto our land but they themselves weren’t an issue. It was the Mexicans in Phoenix and just in general, especially the illegals smuggling in guns and drugs.

And yet another negative is that we would definitely have to deal with evacuations during hurricanes and be at risk of losing everything. But since I’m not nearly as materialistic in the way that I used to be and important things can be backed up in the cloud, I’m not quite as concerned with that as I might have been in the past.

Now here are the positives. The biggest one is that motorcycles are not allowed. Yes! Those are definitely the most annoying sound-wise. But you can have one dog or cat that must be kept indoors.

I don’t think a roaring freeway would be an issue there since I don’t see any nearby but I’m guessing there would still be a similar amount of projects going on since most people have at least some money there and it doesn’t cost much to buy a circular saw.

This place is so gorgeous and in such an ideal location that I would be willing to put up with some noise. We could get the sleep pod right away although there’s no doubt in my mind that I would sleep better there probably even without one. There would be a bit more space around most of the houses and they’re not right on the street like we are here.

If the payments were that low, he may never have to work again unless we wanted extra money for something big.

So here, the issues are the freeway, landscaping, commercial planes, other aircrafts, traffic, and projects. About half of these can be eliminated or at least reduced. Oh, and we should be able to have water all the time, of course!

One thing’s for sure and that’s that I won’t settle when it comes to a park. If I’m going to be in a park, then it has to be worth it and we have to be in an ideal location. If I’m choked off by other houses and all I see are streets and houses, I’m not interested. I want a “water house” as I call it. If I’m going to have to listen to some shit, then I want a great view while I’m at it. So I definitely want a place that backs up to a body of water.

I still don’t want to get my hopes up because I’m guessing there’s going to be some kind of catch that will prevent us from getting a loan. Again, we’re going to be poor once we leave here. I think we’re going to have to get some land somewhere but that too has its pros and cons but should be even quieter.

Now what if worse comes to absolute worst? Tom said he came up with a backup plan for if the worst-case scenario came to be and that would be if Sundae and a traditional realtor didn’t offer us enough. We don’t think this will happen, but if it does, he’ll get a job and we’ll flip this place. It would delay the move for 6 months to a year but that’s what we would do. And of course, I would try hard not to wonder if something was trying to trap us here while we were at it.

OMG, it just hit me that my “Aunt” Ruth lives in Port St Lucie and I know she’s definitely lived in adult communities. Wouldn’t it be just too funny if we got in there and ran into her? She’s one of those that is both likable and not but basically, she’s a judgmental bitch with a big mouth. If she were kind to me, I would be kind back, though. Honestly, I don’t know that we would even recognize each other since she’s about 80 years old now and hasn’t seen me since I was 23-24. If she suddenly appeared in front of me and started talking, then I would realize it was her, but I think I’ve changed a lot more than she would have. She never cared to be an aunt to me, but if she ran into me and hugged me and asked how I was doing, it’s not like I would spit in her face and run. In reality, she would probably run, LOL. Too many vicious rumors spread by my mother put a really scary label on me that has a long and lasting impression.

Looks like Phillip also lives there. That’s too funny.

Just visited ZabaSearch. Both he and Ruth are listed as living 5 miles from “Water Palms,” as I call the house I want, but further inland. Looks like an on-site house. He would probably want to meet with me if he knew we were just a matter of miles away and that would be fine. However, I’m not saying anything to anyone so it doesn’t get back to the termites. I can’t stop the internet from sharing our personal info but for as long as I can help it, no one there will know if we move there.

Again, I don’t see it happening, but it would still be kind of funny to end up just 4 miles away from where my parents lived. You know, the mother that told me when I mentioned wanting to move down there from Massachusetts that she didn’t want me living anywhere near them.

Yeah, I had a wonderful mother.

Aly’s finally come to realize that Molly could never be a true friend to her. Maybe she’ll come to see that about Kim someday as well. She claims Molly used to be a better friend but has become incredibly selfish. She says that at least Kim has some good traits in her. Yeah, in the mix of all her craziness, joke of a memory, habitual lies, and obsessive behavior that makes me wonder how she’s hardly worth it. I don’t know why Aly is drawn to the mentally ill and doesn’t feel she deserves better but at least she’s come to see that the only person Molly could ever be a true friend to is herself.

The only difference this time around is that the last time she dumped Molly, Molly stalked her relentlessly. This time she’s so wrapped up in her obsession with some guys that she hasn’t even noticed her absence. Aly said that just the fact that she wasn’t mentioned confirmed and solidified her own feelings and suspicions. I noticed this too, although I wouldn’t tell her. But last night I did happen to drop in on Molly for the first time in a while and I noticed the same thing. I was a bit surprised, too.

I had a dream about Andi, the butch bitch from the Vista Ventana in the 90s, only she went by some other name. Tom and I lived in an apartment building and she also had an apartment there. Once she realized we lived in the building even though it wasn’t next to her and we were a couple of floors away, she tried to make trouble for us by complaining about something we supposedly did.

Early one morning when it was still kind of dark and she had left for work, we went to the back of her apartment and Tom made himself comfortable on a bench swing. I was surprised to see that she had not just two small dogs as I had thought but four, and also by how quiet they were.

I’m glad that as far as I can tell Ruth doesn’t live in the Savanna Club. If by some chance we actually do manage to get in there, I’d hate for any family members to live there and make God only knows what kind of trouble for us, especially if they had any clout of any kind within the club.

I also hope to hell Tammy never finds out where we are if we move there. I wouldn’t put it past her to drive to our door. But then if she did, I could do whatever I wanted to her. Or maybe not because the girls would come after me for sure. I’m not about to take on a quarter ton of pure asshole, though I WOULD see to it that they were charged, convicted and jailed. If they weren’t…

I did hear from Goodreads. Gotta give them links to my books.

Later…

Something happened today that put us one step closer to getting out of here, at least in my mind, and one foot out the door. That came in the form of a jury summons for the first. Damn me for registering to vote!

I’ve never had any desire to do jury duty. For one, I don’t drive and that would mean Tom having to take time off from work. But even if he never works again (though he likely will), you know how I feel about courts and the law in general. I have no interest in having anything to do with it ever again unless I’m suing someone or something like that.

So we went to the site and I was able to request a 90-day delay. That’s April 26th. My last appointment is on the 6th, so hopefully, if all goes well for once in our lives when it comes to moving, we’ll be out of here before the 26th and I can tell them I’ve moved.

If anything, this has really given us the initiative to really motivate ourselves to get out of here, not that I needed much motivation to begin with. But it kind of narrows it down to a more specific time frame for us if we try to get out of here in April after I see Doc A and before the 26th rather than wait until May or June. It’s going to depend on whether or not we can get a decent offer from Sundae. They’re the ones that could cause any significant delays.

If there is any reason we can’t get into this club, though, it will be because of money. Trying not to get my hopes up but oh, how I would love a water house! A parcel of land would be quieter and it would certainly have its pros but it wouldn’t be nearly as pretty or as safe, especially for an aging couple. We couldn’t have Walmart deliver and there wouldn’t be as many shops and restaurants. Either one is still preferable to staying here. The club is likely to be somewhat noisy but should be way worth it compared to here especially since it shouldn’t be nearly as extreme. I think small planes, helicopters, and landscaping will be the biggest things there. I do remember being on the phone with the termite one day when I heard a small plane fly over her place, so yeah, that will be a thing there too, as with most places. But is it a few a day or a few dozen a day like here? That’s what I hope we’ll get to find out as we totally want to get into this place!

Port St Lucie is a climate that would be better than Homosassa even though the “Homos” would still be better than Citrus Heights. Again, I won’t get my hopes up because I don’t usually get that lucky, but I really hope to be much more excited about the move than filled with doubts and concerns nagging at me.

Tom doesn’t really care about views and things like that (I think women are always pickier than men when it comes to aesthetics) but after over a decade in the desert and having so little water and rain in Oregon and here, it would be a nice change of pace. When the weather permitted and it was at least mostly peaceful out, it would be so nice to sit in the lanai sipping coffee or wine and watching the breeze ripple the water and any ducks or whatever that may be swimming around. I think it would be a very serene and tranquil scene compared to just streets and houses. Hopefully, it will be a decent size body of water too and not just a small one that’s more like a giant puddle than a lake. When I view the club via satellite, I could see there were different sizes. The bigger the better because then you have fewer houses around you and a little more privacy. Still trying not to get too hopeful because we’re not exactly rich and we’re not in the habit of getting exactly what we want either.

I do have some good news and that’s that Goodreads removed the dead links to the handful of books I had listed there, even though the woman told me they don’t usually do that. So that’s one less thing that can be Googled, and that nasty review is gone along with Sarah’s “like” of it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2021

Really getting sick and fucking tired of hearing about how horrible white people are everywhere I go online. This rant isn’t about any person in particular or even about any group but about people’s shitty attitude in general. It’s like people don’t get that white people aren’t the only problem in the world. It’s society as a whole. It’s totally unfair, unrealistic, and discriminative to blame one group for the world’s problems.

Yes, there were a lot of shitty white people on Capitol Hill. People that should be imprisoned right along with Trump. But why is it that whenever whites do something shitty, everybody’s quick to crucify them while some BLM members and others of color who aren’t affiliated with any group can riot, loot, obstruct traffic, and do all kinds of destructive things which people sometimes also lose their lives, yet the whole world doesn’t turn on them? It’s only the white people who get the criticism when they do something they shouldn’t and the dual standards just get old. No matter how much you choose to bury your head in the sand in the name of political correctness, whites aren’t the only problem in the world. There are just as many shitty assholes in other groups, but if you want to kid yourself, go right ahead. it just goes to show that the vast majority of the population has come to support or at least accept non-whites and that’s great. Really, it is. But to see so many of color turn against whites and even my own kind turn against us is really disheartening and worrisome. It’s not okay to shit on whites any more than it was okay for whites to shit on others.

The little girl that gets a bike for her birthday which doesn’t really faze her that the kid who didn’t get would be incredibly excited to have.

The hopeless struggles one woman faces to conceive while the crackhead down the street spits babies out like crazy.

The guy doing five years for kiting while someone else gets a slap on the wrist for beating the shit out of someone.

The young straight male of color that gets the job the white lesbian in her 50s is actually more qualified for.

The rich people with thousands of dollars sitting uselessly in their bank accounts while others are starving.

Those on Indian reservations that get tax breaks because of what the government did to them hundreds of years ago and which no one alive today had anything to do with while others still have to pay taxes. Most others anyway.

The plentiful calories some people consume and still lose weight while others just look at food and blow up.

Even though it’s no one’s fault, it still bugs me at times how backward and unfair the world is. You dream it, you want it, you need it, and someone else gets it. It may not happen all the time but definitely more often than it should.

Nothing new really going on other than that California is being stupid again by having tons of people go to Disneyland and other places to get vaccinated. Gee, we have a pandemic going on so let’s get shitloads of people together so they can spread it even more, right?

Why don’t they just let the doctors and pharmacies have the fucking vaccinations just like with flu vaccinations?

I thought about it and decided it would be better if I gave the termites my final piece of mind right after we leave. Yes, she could figure out this address and send shit that would be forwarded, but I would rather her hunt and find this address rather than wait a year and possibly be able to find our new address. I still don’t want to be here in case she was to send the local pigs here but there’s no way I would give them any kind of legal reason to do so. She would literally have to try to swat me. Absolutely nothing I’m going to write will be against the law in any way. Against their opinions, yes. But they would have to make something up and the pigs would have to be corrupt or at least incompetent not to verify whatever shit they came up with. That would only put a lot of money in my pocket in the end, though, if something was done to me for something that couldn’t be proven and especially if it was proven to be bullshit. You know, like the bullshit X-rated letters I supposedly sent the girls way back when. But yeah, let the pigs try to violate my right to express myself in a legal, non-threatening way and see how far they get with that. Because after I got done suing the shit out of them for that, I would definitely make an example of them and then maybe other departments that may consider putting their time into what someone writes instead of child predators may think twice.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2021

Lisa Montgomery, the woman who killed a pregnant woman and cut out her child who survived, got exactly what she deserved. You kill someone, you deserve the death penalty as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if you’re mentally ill, if you’re poor, if you’ve got diseases… If you kill, you’re a murderer, and if it’s not in self-defense, you should be removed from society rather than a burden to the taxpayers to house and feed for the rest of your sorry life. She should have been killed years ago and I’m sure she would have had her victims not been white.

The article I read disgusted me. I clicked on it, and sure enough, it was all about poor, poor little Lisa and what a horrible childhood she had. I had a shitty time as a child too. Does that mean I’m entitled to go out and kill people then? The article seemed to express much more sympathy for her than for her victims. Really, I’m so sick and fucking tired of all the victim-blaming or at least the support that many criminals get. They probably would have rioted If she was black.

Then I’m sitting there shocked as hell by all the supportive comments this woman got. It was “poor criminal” all around.

So I asked Tom his opinion and he said that generally, he’s against the death penalty because there have been cases where it was learned too late that the person was innocent. He said we have enough jails, and they can be kept there.

“But what about if their guilt is really obvious?” I asked and he said that in those cases the person is usually out of their mind and should have been locked up a long time ago.

I agree with that one! I’m still pro-death penalty but we definitely need a lot more people locked up though not necessarily in jails. They also need to stop letting out people that are virtually guaranteed to re-offend like rapists.

A rep from Sundae messaged me. Figured that was coming anytime now. She wants to jump on the phone to see if we’re “a good fit for each other.” I told her we’re not quite ready yet and that we want to wait until we’re vaccinated and that I’ll have Tom contact her when the time comes. I assured her we were definitely not going to change our minds.

Thanks to Trump, Aly couldn’t get vaccinated in time. She’s no longer asymptomatic. She has a lot of fatigue, feels cold, and has lost her sense of taste and smell. I hope to hell it doesn’t get worse and that she doesn’t land in the hospital. Yeah, I’m trying not to think about the fact that even though it’s very unlikely, she could be dead in two weeks or less.

Although I assured her I wouldn’t share in public, I found it a bit odd that she asked me not to do so in the first place. Who does she know that also reads my journal and that would know I was talking about her?

The red spot on my leg is slightly darker and more raised. It almost feels like a hard blister. I’m seeing some white scaly stuff on the edges, so yes, whatever it is definitely shouldn’t be there. I just took another comparison pic.

I decided to order an assortment of Japanese snacks. Cam won an Amazon gift card and got a snack pack of their own to try. It’s a little pricey but when I checked it out, I decided it would be a fun way to sample new things without getting carried away. So Friday I’ll have 36 treats. It cost $24. Some have English translations on them. Otherwise, I’ll have to guess but it’s the mystery and surprise that will be fun. Looks like there’s going to be candy, cakes, cookies, nuts, and gum, but I don’t see any chips.

I had something like the third dream where I was 37 years old and Tom and I were discussing the possibility of having a kid while I still could yet my heart wasn’t really into the idea.

There was also a dream about a large black mailwoman. It was more that she was very tall than wide. She seemed friendly, laid back, and not very chatty. One day she delivered 3 boxes of mail that Tom had been too lazy to pick up or had forgotten about, not that he would ever do such a thing, of course.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2021

Signing in with boring off-black nails that almost look like a dark plum color in bright light and a very pissed-off mood. The nail color looks good on me. It’s just a boring shade. I’ve seen worse, though.

Fucking Sundae! They led me on after all. NOW the fucking bitch I’ve been communicating with tells me that I once mentioned being on leased land and she “just confirmed” with her team that they don’t buy houses on land that isn’t owned. As I told her in my reply, thanks for getting my hopes up for nothing! She should have known their own rules and policies up front and shouldn’t have had to “confirm” them. Argh, fucking assholes!

We may as well accept that, as usual, this isn’t going to be easy for us and we’re not going to get any breaks along the way. I still can’t wait to get out of here but we’re gonna have to deal with a realtor. So no more hope of getting out of showings and having to deal with the shit that goes with traditional realtors. We’re going to have to Goodwill what we don’t want and try to figure out how to get rid of what they won’t take. He’s going to be ordering a bigger trash bin.

sighs This may also make it harder to beat the jury duty extension deadline. Why couldn’t I be a convicted felon just until we leave?!

Anyway, we’re now measuring our tote bins that we’re packing stuff in and trying to get an estimate of the size moving pod we’re going to need.

Just took care of the smelly pigs. Work, work, work, work. I’ll miss them but not caring for them. I’m tired today too. Nothing woke me up, but it was one of those days when I was up forever and didn’t sleep as long. No idea why my body does this at times.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 2021

No wonder Japanese people are so skinny! The Japanese snack mix arrived yesterday and it’s incredible how small the portions are compared to snacks in the US. Definitely not worth the money but makes for a fun experiment. There are only three out of the 37 pieces I don’t like. I don’t see how any human being on earth could possibly put a wasabi nut in their mouth and not feel like they tossed a lit match into it! They look like green peas and when I suspected they were actually wasabi nuts, I licked at one with my tongue to be sure and could feel a burn just doing that. Some of the snacks are weird tasting but still good.

After this, I want to try to drop the wine, flavored sparkling water, pasta, and sugar for as long as I can stand to. The wine and the pasta will be easy.

Still not sure whether or not I want to focus on just getting the recommended number of zone minutes each week or focus more on the length of time. Zone minutes are easy. I can get half of them accidentally with my high HR. I can get more than I need with just a 15-minute workout. The question is whether or not I should up the time to 45 to 60 minutes. More isn’t always better, especially when you’re metabolically fucked as I am.

Over 2 million dead now from the virus. At least that we know of. In poor countries where they can’t afford to do so much testing, I wouldn’t be surprised if the real numbers were closer to 4 or 5 million. While that’s a huge number in itself, it hardly puts a dent in the population which is still climbing faster than its dying.

Been listening to the usual sounds here… traffic, planes, and landscaping. The commercial planes haven’t been as bad lately due to the virus, but yesterday we had our usual 4-hour trash and recyclable pick-up and they’re also working on the new house. Still. Wonder just how many more months they’re going to be working over there.

Another thing is that someone’s been leaving a dog out during the daytime that I’ve mentioned before. I would think Dixie would be able to hear it loud and clear. Luckily, Virginia’s house blocks most of it, so I don’t hear too much from that or the house workers from the room I mostly work in.

I don’t know why but I’ve been having this feeling lately about dying in 2038. But that’s only 17 years from now and not the 20-something I would have guessed. Can’t say for sure whether or not it really means anything but I’ve been having this feeling lately. I suppose anything is possible and even if it does mean something, I’ve already lived a long time and 17 years is still a long time left as well.

Although it’s a little earlier than planned, I decided to make my Facebook account more private. There really is no need to be public although I’ll still do public stories every now and then that disappear after 24 hours. I almost always get views from a non-friend and I always used to think it was Kim, but since she hasn’t been online, I guess it could be anyone.

Still excited about the move but nervous as well. We still don’t know if we’re flying or driving or if we’re going to start off in a park or not. I would love to think that we’ll get a beautiful, peaceful place but I don’t think we’ll get the “ideal” place. I think we can definitely find something quieter than this, though. I just feel like I’m not meant to have the ideal place but don’t know if it’s by design or happenstance. But an improvement is certainly better. If it’s a little quieter and it’s cheaper, then great.

I ignored the email the Sundae rep sent apologizing for getting my hopes up for nothing, and yeah, it does suck. A traditional realtor is going to make things a lot harder for us and slower as well.

I had a dream that he and I were hanging out at home as usual in a place that didn’t look like this. I hadn’t worked out that day. Finally, I convinced myself to at least do a short workout instead of being lazy. I passed a room where he was working out, sitting halfway up on a couch and twisting his torso back and forth. I then entered another room to find that Tom had pulled out an old scale even though it was still digital, and it told me I was 133 lb even though I knew I was 136 lb.

Then he finished working out and came out of the other room to tell me that he heard something in the news that meant that Nervous was probably receiving payments on account of and I reminded him that he was dead.

“Oh, is he?” he said.

“Yeah, he died at 53 of a heart attack. You must be thinking of my other old friend Fran Paiva,” I said even though he’s also dead.

Then Tom asked me if I wanted to go out to some cookie factory or something like that and I agreed.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 2021

The water is going off again all day tomorrow. OMG, to escape these water outages and all this traffic and flying shit! I can’t wait to at least take back the nights! I’m sorry, but after midnight it should be dead quiet. Not full of small planes, helicopters, and roaring freeways.

I have my doubts about beating the jury duty extension deadline, but Tom hopes we’re out of here by the end of June because there’s some kind of thing you have to pay in Cali at that time that will be due. I forgot what he said it was. Maybe some kind of property tax.

Tom is really good with numbers and money and is very smart in general unless he’s trying to learn languages, LOL. He explained to me about finance, paying off credit card debt with the money from the sale of the house to decrease interest in the future, and the various pros and cons of land versus a park and why we may prefer to fly in certain situations versus driving in other situations. I can’t swear on anything yet and neither can he, but our discussion yesterday made me lean more towards getting a place on half an acre to an acre or so, in which case we could afford something a little nicer.

Having to use a regular realtor means not accepting less than 65K rather than 60K and pretty much increases our chances of driving. The cost comes out the same between driving and flying but if we have to wait a week for things to close anyway…

Also, since we don’t want to buy a place sight unseen, we would need a place to store our shit until we could get into a place. But we don’t know exactly where to go in Florida, we don’t know where to store our shit and therefore it may be better to drive across. We’re still going to get realtors in Florida to help us.

I wrote out a list of pros and cons of land versus a park. There’s no saying that all the cons would come to be but that’s the frustrating part. We can’t magically know upfront where to go and exactly what it would be like living there. And sometimes you don’t know about the things you do know. When we had our little orientation meeting with Joy, she made it sound like the water went off a few times a year, not a dozen-plus times a year.

And look what happened with the commercial planes. We moved in here in 2013 and they weren’t an issue until 2018. The small planes and helicopters, yes. They were always a problem. I just never thought to look for airport locations because they’ve never been a problem before.

Anyway, the land would definitely leave us more money left over each month but not a whole lot since we’ll never again have money as we do now. He was thinking of maybe doing Door Dash deliveries or something like that a few times a week to make extra money. Even if he only made $10 five days a week, that’s still $200 extra a month. Of course I wish to hell I could drive and didn’t have CRD so I could do it too and double that. Big things can be paid for with credit like if I needed another root canal or we wanted to go on a $500 helicopter ride or something like that.

Money won’t be so important except in the event of an emergency once we get the place, wherever it may be, set up the way we want it. I was still glad to hear that Biden wants to ensure that those on Social Security always get enough of an increase so they never fall below the national poverty level.

The increased Aly-meeting dreams make me wonder if we will be meeting soon since I’ve had a lot more dreams of meeting her than I have of flying. The only thing is that in the dream I had last night, she was visiting us and not the other way around. We were going to take a selfie of ourselves together and laughed about sending a copy to Kim (though we wouldn’t share any pics we took). I don’t care if we take pictures of each other or of us together or not, but it would definitely be nice to meet somewhere someday! Pretty sure there was more to the dream, but I don’t remember what.

The thought of moving is exciting but also a bit scary and overwhelming. Anything could go wrong. Driving across would be incredibly hard on both of us. And even if we did fly, we’re still going to be stuck in hotels for a while and that’s hard as well.

Land pros:
Space around us
Fewer rules
Quieter
Cheaper
Gains more value in time
Our own pool

Land cons:
Not as safe
Not as pretty
Slightly colder
Increased potential for bad neighbors, loose dogs/barking, boom stereos, motorcycles, welfare bums

Park pros:
Safer
Prettier
Warmer
Activities
Increased chance of better neighbors, less barking, boom stereos, etc.

Park cons:
More rules and restrictions
More noise
Less value
More expensive

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2021

A town in Tennessee has been showing up on my visitor report lately and I wonder if it’s Sandra who lives in Sevierville. I blocked her because I was tired of her political rants. Maybe she created another account when she noticed I wasn’t around to see if she could find out why I blocked her. Sometimes I find it easier to block rather than to just ghost.

Income tax. That’s the payment we hope to avoid by getting out of here by late June.

As far as how to know where to store our stuff, we would store it here in Citrus Heights until we knew exactly where to have it shipped to in Florida. We’re probably going to go with U-Haul because they incorporate moving pods with storage and all that. We’re considering one that’s something like 4 feet wide, 8 feet deep, and 8 feet tall.

We still won’t know if we’re flying or driving until we know what we’re getting for the house and how long things are going to take to close. I just know that one of the things alone that I hate here is enough to be excited about moving. Just take all the fucking planes and helicopters I have to listen to in the middle of the night as well as the daytime. And of course, we’re going to be without water for most of Tuesday. I wonder how many more times we’re going to have to play this fucking game with the water outages before we get out of here.

We still don’t know if we’re going to end up in a park or on land somewhere. What community did I ever like, though? I hated Phoenix and I hate it here. Klamath Falls wasn’t as bad, but I still didn’t like it that much. It was a quaint little town that had its positive points but still too many people too close which means it wasn’t exactly peaceful. It seems the worst thing in Arizona was dogs barking, up in Oregon it was boom car stereos, and in Cali, it’s kind of a mix of everything, but being in an adult community, we don’t have much barking, car stereos, and you almost never hear kids.

I’m excited that Biden will be taking over soon! The only thing that worries me is the Caravan of Guatemalans. I know that as soon as he’s in power, they’ll be welcomed with open arms to burden our system even more. Sick of how America is the go-to country for when the shit hits the fan in other countries. It’s not right or fair for us to be expected to pick up the pieces when things go wrong elsewhere. My heart truly goes out to those that are innocent victims of violence and other catastrophes in their countries, but I just wish they would create some kind of designated area for refugees to go to. Like maybe some island somewhere.

I had a dream I met Kamala Harris somewhere. I was very depressed for some reason and I was squeezing my eyes shut to prevent myself from crying when I heard her voice grow closer as she was addressing a room full of people before I felt something being slipped over my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that she had slipped a beautiful purple beaded necklace around my neck. I thanked her and hugged her, surprised to see that she was pregnant.

Then there was the termite dream which woke me up. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. We were still on good terms when we moved to Florida, starting off in a hotel until we could find a place. They agreed to care for a mother rat and her two babies we brought with us but didn’t want to keep them in the hotel for some strange reason. I went to Tammy’s house one day to find Sarah there. We got into a huge argument and I left. It then hit me that they may harm the rats because they were pissed at me.

So I decided I go back later on when I knew Tammy would be there. I hoped Mark wouldn’t be there because I didn’t want to get into it with him since we had always gotten along in the past and thought it would be nice to keep it that way.

I walked up to the slider and knocked. Tammy approached with her cell phone in hand but didn’t open it. Instead, she told me they “dumped my vermin” and that if I didn’t get the fuck away and stay away, she would call the police.

Furious that she killed my pets like I feared she might, in a split-second, I grabbed a chair in her lanai and smashed it through the slider, knocking the phone out of her hand. She was home alone, and I beat her unconscious. After confirming that the rats really weren’t there, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should kill her so she couldn’t point a finger at me or hope she would wake up. I decided it would be better if she woke up since I knew that if I got caught, I would get a hell of a lot less time for assault than I would for murder. I was still glad I avenged the death of my innocent rats.

Then I ran out to the car which Tom was waiting in and told him we had to hurry up and get back to the hotel and move to another one quickly and began filling him in as the dream ended.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2021

Waiting on a diamond painting kit to be delivered. When I read in someone else’s journal that they were working on one, I thought that would be a great idea for Aly’s birthday. I’ve been trying to come up with different ideas. I already made her some jewelry, and I don’t want to have food items delivered in case she’s allergic to any of the ingredients, so this may work. I’ve been wanting to try one of these anyway. She likes owls so I got a 6x6 owl painting that the PBer would probably take me 2 hours to do. Plenty of time to get it done since her birthday is in April. It also comes with a frame. If I enjoy doing it, I may get one for myself. This PB, BTW, is probably the one in Tennessee. I guess I’m just addicted to tracking.

Tom tried various cleaners to remove the sticky residue that some of the stickers left on the wall. Goo Gone can get rid of it easily but I can’t stand the smell of oranges so he ordered a steamer that should be good to have anyway.

When it comes to touching up the paint on the living room walls, he may have to do the whole thing since the paint might not match. I burn incense regularly and that would cause some discoloration along with the fact that it’s been about 5 years.

Still so torn between a park versus a rural setting! They both have so many pros and cons. We’re still not even sure what state we’re going to end up in just yet. As long as we keep our monthly payments under $500 a month, we should be comfortable, though we would certainly be more comfortable if we didn’t have an HOA. Parks are a lot more convenient but definitely noisier. We would have more freedom and peace on land but we’re still a couple of months away from knowing anything either way.

I saw that Walmart had a pink yoga mat with yoga pose illustrations on it. They had 10 poses for $10. That would certainly make it easier and more tempting to get into yoga but then I found one for $30 with 70 poses on Amazon, though I’m not going to get that or a diamond painting for myself until we move. I would get the purple one because the illustrations stand out better that way. I’m a little too fat for some of the poses, though, LOL.

Oh, to care about my weight like I did in my youth! Maybe then I would be motivated to push myself harder if that’s even possible with Hashimoto’s and my age, but the fact still stands that I like myself as I am. Yes, I would be healthier if I was thinner but I’m not that big and it isn’t so much that I’m totally in love with myself as I am so much as that I just don’t care. I guess that’s the difference between being a single 20-something and a married 50-something. It would take a lot more weight than this to get me all that motivated and concerned. I think I’ll just stick with eating smart and being active most days and allowing myself to be human by indulging once or twice a week. That will be in the form of Hershey’s caramel kisses next grocery delivery. :-) Otherwise, I try not to focus on food until I’m actually ready to eat.

The water is off right now. Yeah, what else is new?

Andy showed up in my dreams again. Hey, it’s better than the termites! I was going to say hello to him in a tweet as I was slowly walking down the street and then realized I was in front of his place. He stepped outside and I said hello. We started talking and then some woman stopped by. I told him I would contact him later and that it would be nice to catch up since it had been a year.

I used the bathroom on the way out as I was heading for the door, I looked out a window and realized he was also in a flight path, although the planes looked like little rockets.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2021

On my 24-minute walk, I heard two commercial planes, two small planes, and one helicopter. That was an addition to a circular saw where someone was getting new windows. Surprised I didn’t hear any landscaping in the mix. I will absolutely scream if we end up stuck here another year, and even though it’s unlikely, it is still possible that we won’t get a decent enough offer for the house and have to have him go back to work full-time and flip it ourselves.

He called and ordered a larger trash bin that’s going to be delivered on Friday, and we’ll both have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow morning.

We both agree that if we had to choose between one of the water houses in Florida versus this older home we like in a rural area in Hull, Texas, we would go for the water house. I just can’t believe Water Palms, which I would name our network, is still for sale! We’ve got to find out when that lease expires. The fact that he saw one of the houses there in foreclosure is a good sign. If I suddenly knew it was ours, I’d be as emotional as a 20-year-old! However, I’m guessing it won’t be and I don’t even know that we could get anything similar to it either.

Decided I didn’t want to wait for the yoga mat with the illustrations so it will be here Friday. I also went to a site that has quick video clips on how to properly perform each move. They even have more moves than what’s on the mat, although I’m still not going to be able to do all of them.

I also saw a video on three exercises that are supposed to be good for cellulite in the backs of the thighs and ass since it activates the most muscles. It definitely doesn’t have to do with fat, though, just as they said since I’ve had them most of my life yet was thin for the most part until my 40s.

I received my diamond painting before bed yesterday and started working on it today. I have about a quarter of it done, and it’s super easy and loads of fun! I might get some for myself.

I was practically squealing with delight when I saw the plane lift Trump up and away from the White House.

Good. Fucking. Riddance.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2021

Early in the morning, the place stunk of skunks. Again, I will absolutely scream if we’re stuck here until next year!

We decided we may get a place wherever as planned and then have him return to work so we would then qualify for up to a $250,000 home instead of $90,000 because that would open up a ton of opportunities for us. He would work until it was paid down to where the payments were $500 a month or less so he could then fully retire comfortably.

I really like this idea too! We’re not going to be so old and feeble anytime soon and it would give us something to look forward to. A goal to aim for that would keep us focused and active. Besides, I wouldn’t mind spending my final years in one of these quarter-million-dollar beauties. Some places are so incredibly nice that some noise would be worth it. I just wish I could work too even if it had to be at home!

We went to the lab this morning and we got to swap shoes even though we both guzzled plenty of water beforehand. Where my veins are usually finicky, she was able to get enough blood on the first try. Maybe that’s because she was always doing one vial, I joked with her. Just lipid and liver tests this time around.

With Tom, she got the vein right away only it refused to squeeze out the blood at a normal speed and instead slowly dripped out. I’ve had that happen to me as well. So I had to wait in the waiting room until he was done.

It was so cold this morning too, in the mid-thirties. I went out walking when it got close to 50° yet my hands were still cold even in my gloves. Like most people with low thyroid, the things that never seem to go away even with treatment are cold hands and feet along with the extra weight.

My second diamond painting is to arrive today. I’m totally addicted to these things now!

Going to edit and publish this and then restock my KU books.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2021

Squealing with delight as I sign in with great news. My doctor’s assistant messaged me to say, “Here are your lab results below. Your last LDL was 204 and has dropped to 114 on simvastatin - this is fantastic! Continue with this medication. Your liver functions are fine and seem to be tolerating the medication well.”

twirls with delight YES! So proud of myself for getting brave enough to go back on statins, even if it took me half a decade after my thyroid medication traumatized the shit out of me.

I messaged Doc A asking her if I’m supposed to go to the lab before our next appointment (mentioned the spot on my leg while I was at it). I’m guessing I am, but don’t know if it’s a fasting trip or not.

Anyway, I figured I should do this entry before I get any more tired. Even though I slept well, I woke up with a sore throat that’s been bugging me on and off and the kind of fatigue you feel when you have a cold. My throat seems to be getting better, though I’m still tired. We went out to Rite Aid and I got some orange juice which I crave when I’m not feeling well, and damn near drank the whole bottle.

I also got some soda, wine, and a small Twix bar since backing off of these things wasn’t doing me any good.

Kind of glad that our schedules aren’t as aligned at the moment because when we’re both on days for too long, I start to feel smothered even though he’s always told me to feel free to go into a room and close the door and he won’t bug me, but it’s just not the same as when he’s out or sleeping. Everybody needs some alone time and as much as I love him and we get along great, it gets old when he’s always, always there.

Even though we’re homebodies, it’s nice to get out every now and then even if it’s only for those mundane errands a part of me misses.

It’s also going to be nice to eventually live in a place where they don’t turn the fucking water off. Again it’s going off on Monday but not for as long. What, are they going to pull this shit every week on us until we’re gone?

I swear the only thing I’m going to miss besides some of the neighbors is taking walks around the park, even if it’s not always peaceful. When I went out walking yesterday, I was surprised to find I only got two Zone minutes from it. Guess I’m getting into pretty good shape!

My yoga mat arrived today and it’s awesome! It’s much longer than I thought it would be and I love all the illustrations. Right now I’m watching videos to make sure I’m doing the moves properly and picking out the ones I can actually do or at least mostly do. I’m too fat for some poses that would have been easy 30 years ago like shoulder stands and things like that. I can’t even do a child’s pose completely because of all that damn middle-aged belly fat.

I just don’t get it. We have pills to block the substance that makes cholesterol. We have pills for headaches. We have pills for cramps. We have pills for thyroids. We have pills for damn near everything except for shrinking fat cells. Go figure. If they don’t come up with anything for those of us that can’t lose weight without damn near starving ourselves, then this is the way I’m always going to be and I’m always going to have to improvise certain activities because my range of motion is limited by the extra weight.

He’s been checking out the local job listings and found one that he may actually like as an IT assistant for when businesses have computer issues and things like that. It pays $20 an hour as well. However, it’s just not safe for him to work without being vaccinated. Also, he doesn’t want a permanent job. He just wants to work part-time here and there maybe for the rest of his life.

When he is fully retired, we may ditch the car. Since we don’t go out much, it shouldn’t cost as much for an Uber when we do as what we pay for insurance and all that stuff. He just charged the car for the first time this year and it will last a while.

He really likes the high-powered steamer he got. It’s doing a good job with the sticky residue on the walls and even helped clean the showerhead as well.

It only took me a little over a day to do my first diamond painting. I’m totally addicted to the things now! Today I didn’t work on the second one I got which is much bigger because I didn’t feel well but I’ll get back on with it tomorrow.

I got a variety pack of K-cups that contains different coffees, hot chocolates, and teas. Earl Grey’s Breakfast Blend tea tastes kind of weird.

For just a few bucks I ordered another one of those clear compartment cases for extra rhinestones that are left over from my diamond paintings. Then we came up with some cool ideas for the extras. One is to stick them at random to the back of left over wallpaper that we have when we were doing the hall closet and then framing it. Also, the previous owners left a small picture of cherries to which I could get some Elmer’s Glue to stick the stones to.

They lowered the price of the house I like by about 7K. In a perfect world, it would still be available when we’re ready to move, then we would learn that the lease doesn’t expire anytime soon, and that would be our home until and if we decided to move again to something bigger and better.

To be honest, I’m surprised it hasn’t sold yet. Makes me wonder if something’s wrong with the park. Or maybe it has to do with the virus or the nuclear power plant nearby. I just don’t know. We’re not going to know much for a couple of months. Life is one big waiting game.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2021

Just saw a horrifying video of the Tacoma pigs plowing through tons of protesters. God knows how many are going to be dead or maimed for life. Okay, so I’ve always said that if you’re dumb enough to stand in the middle of the road, you gotta expect that you might get hit. I believe that in a genuine emergency, the pigs should do what they have to do when it comes to those holding up traffic. I’ve even become more and more anti-protests to begin with because they just don’t change anything and trouble often comes of them. If you want to vent and be heard, do it online where it’s safer!

However, what I saw just seemed all wrong. Just totally wrong. I’ll admit I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the event but I just can’t believe anything was that urgent that the pig had a plow through that many people unless they were being destructive or doing anything dangerous. They at least didn’t seem to be beating the shit out of each other or attacking anyone or people’s businesses.

Regardless of the circumstances, it was a horrifying thing to see and I’ve never hated the pigs more than I do now. Just when I think I can’t hate them anymore than I already do, my hatred towards them only deepens. I swear to God we’re totally on our own if we ever have a problem with anyone else in the future. I would prefer not to have any problems, of course, but if God forbid there were, there will be no pigs. Just us and them. You really do have to fight your own battles at times and take care of things yourself. Seriously, someone could kick the door down and hold me at gunpoint yet the pigs would be the last ones I would want to call! They make me sick as fuck!

But you know how it is, even if it turns out that what happened wasn’t justified in any way, and somehow I doubt it was, the pig(s) will get a paid vacation and at worst, fired. Meanwhile, any funerals or medical expenses will be solely on the victims. It’s fucking sick the world we live in. It really is. If that’s me being conceited and sounding like I’m better than most people, so be it. And hell, maybe I am in some ways. You would think that if this would have any good at all come of it, it would scare the protesters off the street. Even those that are harmless, holding up traffic and risking spreading the virus is ridiculous just because you have something to say. Instead of making nuisances of yourselves, there are other places to get your voices heard even if it still won’t change a damn thing but to make you feel better for speaking up.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2021

Read a bit more about the pig-plowing incident and I guess that yeah, the hit was justified. The bacon feared for its safety and I can believe that much with how much they’re hated these days.

I just wish all these fucking protests would stop already! They’re not doing any good. They just cause trouble and get people hurt and even killed. Roads are for driving, not for protesting. Like it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around any of us. There’s no reason or excuse to hold up the rest of the world or engage in destructive and even deadly conduct just because you have something to say.

Anyway, I awoke on this rainy day extremely tired but wishing it could always be this quiet. Why does it have to rain or be hot as hell to get any peace here? The commercial planes are getting annoying at night again.

Been resting a lot but that gets boring, so here I am struggling through this entry. But hey, it’s Sunday, and everyone needs a day of rest and to take it easy. We did discuss more plans for prepping the place. The next step is going to be touching up the walls.

I also did a little drilling and am looking forward to the new set of Twistables colored pencils we ordered along with a taller step stool. The two-step one we’ve had for many years has paint splatters and other shit all over it and is getting dumped.

The colored pencil set will have twice as many colors. I absolutely love Twistables. I don’t ever want to go back to the old-fashioned pencils that you have to sharpen. I’ll donate my old set to Goodwill along with all the other stuff we’re not taking that we can’t sell. The rest will go out in the next bulk pickup.

The only thing we’re probably going to sell is the Bowflex unless he decides he wants to take it. I told him that one’s up to him but we’re definitely getting me a new treadmill when we get moved.

“Water Palms” is holding steady at 53 saves. The only thing that’s kind of odd about it is that it looks like you have to go outside to enter the lanai. I thought that most lanais could be entered from the house but if there’s a door leading to it, I can’t tell because there are no pictures of the area of the house where a door would have to be to get to it. There are some things about the house I don’t care for but would still love to have it even though I’m not sure going to another park would be a wise idea. Until we learn about the lease, we won’t know anything for sure. It’s too soon to reach out to any realtors for info because they’re pushy and pesky. Let them save that eagerness for when we’re ready for them.

I’m slowly easing my way into yoga, studying the various poses one by one. I saw an ad for yoga apparel for heavy people and one of the ladies in the picture is definite proof that the flexibility I’ve lost over the years is likely more related to my age than weight. I may not be skinny but I’m barely that big and I think that only bending forward may be connected to my weight because I do have a bit of a tummy. I can’t touch my chin to my knees anymore. But the woman in the picture was huge. I’ll just keep plugging away with it and hopefully, that will not only help keep my muscles toned but increase my range of motion. Only time will tell!

I’ve noticed over the last few days that my metabolism seems to have increased a bit. I suppose part of it is the poison ramping up in my system and that I’m likely to get stabbed by the shit soon enough with those dreaded waves of adrenaline and those horrible “mindfuckers.”

But yeah, I’m not holding weight as easily and my hair is thicker as if I need any more hair on my head. My weight falls back quicker after eating, too. When it’s slower, I eat, gain a pound or two or whatever it is I’m gonna gain from whatever I ate, then the weight hangs on for hours before slowly dropping back down until I eat again. Yet now it starts falling pretty quickly after jumping up after a meal, and that’s a metabolism thing. I don’t think I would have remained 100 pounds all my life had my thyroid not crashed, but I doubt I ever would have gone over 120-130. So maybe I could lose with normal numbers but I still don’t see myself ever being able to tolerate the dose it would take to get them there. Anxiety isn’t worth any amount of weight loss.

I decided that rather than trying to find what helps, I would weed out what hurts instead. Meaning that I’m sure the way I’ve been eating the last few days may have a role in it as well. The wine I have doesn’t seem to affect my weight either way, but I decided once again to get a small candy bar rather than a large one with tomorrow’s Walmart delivery for a couple of reasons. I’m pre-diabetic so I shouldn’t be having much sugar anyway, and also, I know that sugar is a definite culprit. There are no magic foods for weight loss but there are definitely some enemies out there like sugar, pasta, breads and processed foods. The last few days I’ve had very little in the way of processed stuff. But tomorrow I’ll be getting a few processed items so what I want to see is if it drives my weight back up or not. It would if I got too carried away with it, that’s for sure, and is why I learned to cook more.

Going to be taking it easy for the rest of my day but will try to muster up enough energy to study a few more poses.

Tom just said that wasn’t a protest in Tacoma but attention-getters with loud vehicles running donut holes and holding up traffic, not that this is any better.

Our typical winter lows range from 37-43 degrees and we usually only hit freezing a few times a year. However, we’re going to have a hard freeze of just 28 degrees tomorrow night. Ugh, not looking forward to it at all!

Missed writing on OD, so even though there’s a chance Aly may somehow know about it, I’m going to share some stuff there. Actually, even more stuff because I’m not allowing comments and therefore, I don’t have to deal with those that want to argue, challenge and change my views on anything. I have no blocking power as a free member there.

Seeing the US population grow by the thousands each day is both disheartening and alarming. Also, crying babies are just as annoying in the movies as they are in real life.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 2021

Surprised my message to my doc is still “unopened.” Oh well. It isn’t urgent.

They were a half-hour late with turning the water back on. I got some of the air out of the bathroom pipes but why bother since they’re only going to turn us off again next week at the rate they’ve been going?

Water Palms dropped by 3 saves. There’s got to be something wrong with that park if it isn’t about the virus and the nuclear power plant. There’s another water house in that park I like a lot that’s newer but more expensive.

Tom has been suffering from sciatica but he did more research today and found that what he was doing was wrong. He shouldn’t have been stretching and working his core and things like that. So he took their advice and he’s already much better. That’s good because I was getting worried about him with the way he was hobbling around hunched over like an old man.

California has its own health insurance program and we’re probably going to have to pay a little penalty since it turns out that we made 62k last year and not the 55k he originally estimated we would make. This also means more taxes as well. We made an unbelievable amount of money last year! I would be willing to bet we’ll never make that much again.

It’s amazing how one can have so many dreams about someone they’ve never actually met and it’s even funnier when they do things you can’t imagine them actually doing in real life. I was visiting Aly when she took us out to a restaurant. The restaurant was so crowded that they set up card tables in the middle of the aisles. When a waitress led us to one of these tables, Aly got pissed. She demanded that we be seated in a booth but the waitress insisted that we’d have to wait quite a while for one.

So she stormed out of the restaurant and I tried to keep up with her but she was already in her car by the time I exited the restaurant, slamming her fists against the steering wheel in a fit of rage. Then she mimed pistol shots out her side window.

I was relieved to see the parking lot was empty and no one could see her “shooting” at anyone but was very surprised by how emotional, immature and dramatic she was behaving. I thought about telling her this too, but figured that would only piss her off more so I settled with assuring her that there were other restaurants we could try.

LOL

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2021

“What kind of friend finds having to deal with over a foot of snow funny? My significant other has a bad back and my own health is far from great. Took us over two hours, with a few breaks to rest, to completely dig out.”

Oh, life’s little sensitives. eye-roll That’s Little Miss Sensitive’s last tweet on her other account in regard to how I said that if it weren’t for Cam having to drive through the snow I’d be laughing.

OMG, will you fucking lighten up and learn to take a joke for fuck’s sake?! And would it really have been so hard to say something like hey, that isn’t funny, and remember, Cam has a bad back and I haven’t been feeling well?

When she mentioned him being out there with a snowblower, I didn’t think of his back. I can see where shoveling would not be good for someone with a bad back but didn’t make the connection with a snowblower. I didn’t think he did any shoveling but I knew she did.

I’ll just have to remember not to tease her about things because she’s just too damn sensitive. That’s one of the few things that still gets to me about her but I understand that no one’s perfect. I also don’t give a shit if she sees this either and I know she’s just as curious as I can be when it comes to accounts we don’t tell each other about. I’m not stupid. Right now, though, I’m not in the frame of mind to care much. I’m both pissed and worried right now.

She tweeted a couple of hours before she responded to my last message which tells me that she’s doing exactly what she says she hates done to her, not that I mind her not replying as soon as she reads my messages. It just goes to show she’s a bit hypocritical. But hey, if she’s going to bitch about me in public, although not directly, I can do the same. We don’t use each other’s names. I don’t know if she reads me on PB to compare what I sent her versus what I share with others, but right now I just don’t give a shit. If she reads this and doesn’t like what she sees, that’s on her.

Sometimes I question some of my friendships, not that I still don’t value and appreciate her. Again, no one’s perfect and she has a hell of a lot more good than flaws.

Sensitive or not, I’m sorry they’ve had to deal with so much hassle from the snow. I do remember what it’s like!

Also, she said she would never get so angry about what she got angry about in the dream I had, which I figured, but admits she has more angry thoughts than I think. She just doesn’t share them because it doesn’t do her any good.

Yeah, and how many of them are about me? Again, I wonder about her at times and I wouldn’t be surprised if I eventually get dumped again. She’s already dumped me once. If she does, I will definitely not fight for her and she will never hear from me again even if she ends up regretting her decision. As I decided a few years ago, no more do-overs!

So what’s got me very worried right now - and I knew this day would come - is that Walmart and Rite Aid can no longer order medications by brand. They have to simply sell whatever their company chooses to buy and that’s usually what’s cheapest at the moment and right now it isn’t Sandoz. He was able to get Sandoz this time around, but next time we’re going to have to hope we can find someplace else to get it. I also got a cheaper brand of Simvastatin that I hope won’t cause any problems but anxiety isn’t usually connected to that in the way it is with Levothyroxine.

I was surprised to find that not only is Sandoz a generic brand, but they’re not as consistent as the name brands. I thought only Armour wasn’t consistent since it’s pig thyroid. I wonder if that could be part of why I sometimes still have anxious days. I’m sure there are other brands out there I can tolerate and maybe even tolerate better. I just don’t know what they are and I sure as hell don’t want to go experimenting either.

He feels confident that we can find Sandoz somewhere because it’s not like they’ve gone out of business but I still worry about being stuck with other brands that cause the same kind of anxiety Lannett and Mylan caused. I don’t want to be forced, especially now that I’m doing so much better, to have to cut back my dosage which is already a bit too low just so I don’t have off-the-charts anxiety.

I want to get vaccinated already! I’m totally ready for life to get back to normal. The longer we’re not vaccinated, the longer things get held up. I really want a haircut and I definitely need new glasses. I can barely see shit.

Since my new Twistables don’t come with the names of the colors printed on them, I took a fine-point permanent marker and wrote them on myself.

Also ordered an accessory kit for diamond painting. It has more glue, trays, compartments to store diamonds in, stickers to number the compartments with, regular drills, and even a few wide drills for picking up multiple ones of the same color at once. It also has curved tweezers, a roller to enforce the diamonds, and a few other things.

We’ve got a huge storm coming through tonight with winds over 30 MPH, something we rarely see here.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2021

I’ve been tired ever since I got up in the early afternoon. I guess I’m just stressing too much over my appointments that I’m not sleeping well. Time to try to take Tom’s advice and quit worrying about my schedule for a while and just sleep when I need to without forcing myself to get up too soon.

Feeling a little down tonight as well though I’m not sure why. Probably just medication stress. I start the other brand of statins tonight. Not expecting any trouble from that. It’s whether or not I can get my usual brand of thyroid medication and what may happen if I can’t that has me concerned. I would try the name brand before I tried anything else but that may cost a fortune.

You know, I’m just tired of being a fluke. Just a freaky little fluke of nature. If it’s rare, it’s me. How many people have atresia? How many people have CRD? How many people have both? So of course I have to be one of the few that is sensitive to a medication I need and that most people can take without problems. Of course.

Can’t help but feel like there’s something up there that doesn’t want me to fully treat my disease. It just really seems like I’m not meant to have a normal metabolism as much as I try to tell myself things just happened to be this way without design. If that’s true, then how come that’s not what I’m sensing? I mean I just don’t feel that way. No, something up there gave me a disease in which it knew I would be sensitive to the medication so I would suffer. Something up there also seems hell-bent on me not having normal TSH numbers. There’s simply too much of a pattern. The more the same things happen over and over again, that can’t possibly be a coincidence, can it?

But if my gut feeling is right, then why? Why would anything want me to suffer so much and why can’t I have an optimal metabolism? It should know I don’t give as much of a shit as I perhaps should about my weight, and besides, a normal thyroid doesn’t always mean you can lose weight. I’ve found numerous complaints about people being surprised and disappointed to get their thyroid on track just to still not be able to lose weight. Age and genetics are also a factor and being American doesn’t help either. Your average American is overweight even if most no doubt consider me a petite little thing.

I also had a clear discharge of some kind yesterday. This has happened a few times. It was like mid-cycle runs, as I would call it, all over again. I don’t think it was pee because I didn’t feel anything leaving my body. I didn’t feel anything leaving my pussy either but what else could it be? I just hope it wasn’t a sign of anything bad. I haven’t had any cramps or any other symptoms and have been blissfully unaware of my lady parts so that’s good. At the end of next month, it will be a year since the last period I had after not getting one for 15 months. Really hope I’m done!

I also hope my doc hasn’t gotten the virus and that she’s just on vacation even though it seems like a bit of an odd time to be on vacation. Don’t doctors usually have most of December off and part of early January?

A nurse called Tom about his results and mentioned that my doc wasn’t around. I hope she hasn’t left and that they just haven’t had time to formally notify her patients. I would really hate to have to start over with a new doctor right before we move! But it explains why I never got a reply to my message, not that it’s urgent.

We’ve had more wind and rain over the last couple of days than we’ve had in quite a while. Last night I could practically feel the house shudder as the winds reached slightly above 30 miles per hour. Fortunately, none of the roof shingles lifted enough to let the rain in. We definitely don’t need any more water spots to have to paint over. But so far, no leaks. :-)

We seem to have big storms here every few years. I remember the first one was a handful of months after we came down here and were still in motels, then there was one a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if our best bet would be to take a cheap, dumpy little place if we don’t get a good offer on this place rather than stay back another year to fix and flip it. I guess it will depend on how bad of an offer we may get.

It’s hard not to want to get the fuck out of here because I feel like I’ve been the worst both physically and emotionally in this place than any other place I’ve ever lived. I’d love to think there’s just some kind of bad energy associated with this house that I’ll escape when we move but things have a way of following me and returning to haunt me. At least it will be warmer.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2021

Signing in with some peppermint tea on what’s going on our third day of rain. Just finished a yoga session after doing a quick run on the treadmill. Oh, that damn middle-aged belly fat! Really hinders my flexibility when it comes to bending forward but there isn’t much most of us can do about that since it isn’t just about thyroids and age but genetics as well. Plus, some of us hate diets. LOL, that’s exactly why I ordered a bag of assorted chocolates with tomorrow’s groceries. Either way, my lower gut seems to be more bloated than usual but I don’t have any pain or discomfort in any way so I’m not worried about it.

Tom, on the other hand, has been suffering excruciating sciatic pain and today he got a pillow just for that. In his research, he learned that as we age, especially if you’re a guy, your ass flattens and therefore you’re sitting on the nerves more so than when you have cushion around that area.

We definitely seem to gain and lose various areas as we age. I can’t say that I have a bubble butt but I still have a nicely rounded ass that most people might consider one of my better physical traits along with my boobs. A woman’s hips and thighs definitely do seem to slim down with age but then you get that spare tire. These days I’m all tits and tummy.

My diamond painting accessory kit came today so I’m looking forward to playing around with that later on as well as doing some coloring with my new pencils.

The more I see just how many months so many homes remain on the market, the more concerned I get that we’re not getting out of here anytime soon. It always seems that the more I want out of a particular place, the longer I’m stuck there. I’ve had a bad feeling that something up there doesn’t want me leaving a place that’s noisy most of the time, so we’ll find out soon enough if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being ridiculously paranoid. But with so many manufactured homes on the market for around half a year, how the hell can we expect to put this place on the market in March and be gone by May or June?

Well, I’m not going to try to move or fight to get out of here for so many years. It’s either meant to be or it’s not and if it’s not I would rather just gut this place and make it our forever home if this is where I’m meant to be. Sure hope it doesn’t come down to that, though! Either way, this is fucking ridiculous. This only happens to me. Who the hell else is stuck in a place for 7.5 years? So yeah, sometimes I wonder if something up there is telling me something as much as I don’t want to hear it. That this is my place and where I was meant to be. The whole thing reminds me of that song Hotel California. I checked out years ago but it seems I can never leave.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2021

I can tell the rain has stopped just by the planes I’m hearing along with the freeway. I guess it’s going to be partly cloudy for the next couple of days and then we’ll get a couple more days of rain before the typical sunny, dry weather returns.

My heart wasn’t racing but I felt a little off emotionally yesterday, so I skipped my meds today. Still not a hundred percent sure there’s a connection but I’d say it’s pretty damn likely. Only after I began the medication did things change, and the side effects I’ve had are listed as side effects on valid medical sites proving even more that the doctors that deny the side effects are full of shit for whatever reason. I’m guessing to make their lives easier? It’s always less work to sweep something under the carpet rather than to deal with it. He believes it will go away someday but I think I’ll struggle with it on and off for the rest of my life and that the pre-Hashimoto’s me is never coming back. The one that only felt bad, sad, stressed, or whatever due to something that was going on. Plus, our hormones and body chemistry do change with age and I still have thyroid issues so it’s not totally on the meds.

My doc is still out, and I hope she hasn’t caught the virus! But someone covering her messages finally got back to me and said she saw no reason to repeat labs before the doctor sees me in April so that’s good. :-) Things rarely go our way but I’m still hoping that when I do see her, if she does order labs, I’ll be able to tell her, “Sorry, but we got an offer on our house and have one foot out the door. I’ll take care of it in the next state!”

I had a dream that we had a two-story house but it was still in this park. Or at least some park. The windows were open and as I was heading upstairs, I heard what sounded like arguing. So I stepped into one of the bedrooms and looked out the window to see a small group of people had gathered by a stage that was being set up for a concert that was to perform that evening. I was pissed because I knew it would be annoying but hopeful that I wouldn’t hear as much of it if I remained on the other side of the house.

Then I went to call my mother for the first time in a long time but forgot her number. In the dream, she was living in Port St Lucie and I called Information and they put me through to her. However, I got a busy signal. So then I called back and she answered. I said “hello” and was greeted with silence though I knew she was still there.

“It’s me,” I told her. But she still said nothing.

Leave it to murderer OJ Simpson to get vaccinated before we do.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2021

Ugh, last night was not a fun night. I was wound up all night even though I skipped my meds. I realize that levothyroxine doesn’t leave the system that fast, but a horrible thought came over me. What if it’s connected to the new brand of statins I started a few days ago? That’s about when it started too. Really hope it’s just a typical anxiety spell connected to the thyroid meds building up in my system and nothing more! It seemed like I couldn’t get much relief no matter what I did. Yoga, tapping, acupuncture…

Tom being awake when I’m feeling shitty helps even though it doesn’t. I mean his presence can’t magically make it go away but it’s still nice to have him around. He’s decided that on account of his back issues, he’s going to try sleeping in spurts. That would be fun! Then he’s not awake long enough where I feel like I don’t have enough alone time yet he’s not asleep long enough for me to feel like I have too much of it either.

Emotional suffering is definitely way worse than physical suffering. You would think that it would be the other way around if it’s simply a thought or an emotion, but it’s not. It was definitely a lot more emotional than physical too. I didn’t actually feel waves of adrenaline stabbing me in the chest so much as that feeling. The one that’s very hard to describe. I’m not sure if depressed or anxious is the right word but I guess it’s a mix of both. Just that feeling of things not being right. A sense of unhappiness and insecurity and the fear of having to deal with this on and off for the rest of my life.

I created a new Twitter account just to log my health and moods. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it but we’ll see. I’m also curious to see if Aly blocks it from her other account or if she figures it would be pointless if I already know about the account.

Part of the scab that had formed over the largest red spot on my lower leg peeled off but it’s just as red as it has been.

We got some papers from the park and I don’t understand why. It contains the same info we went over when we first moved in here.

Decided to get a drill with an LED light in it. I would have preferred to get just one lighted drill but since accessories usually come with other things, there are actually three different lighted drills, and the cutest drills of all are colorful polka-dotted drills with large “diamonds” on top of them. Plus, I’ve got more trays and glue.

Had a bunch of weird dreams. A couple of them were bordering on nightmares that I also hope aren’t connected to the new brand of statins. Really hope I don’t have to take only the last brand I took because that one was more expensive at $75. But I definitely slept shitty, waking up every hour or two.

In one dream, one of my uncles (Ronnie?) was old, feeble, and walking on crutches. I was in a fairly decent size room with a bed, a table, and other items. Tom was asleep on the bed and someone was sitting at the table. I think it was a woman.

As soon as I spotted him, I frowned with anger and approached him. “Hey,” I said, “let’s see you bully and threaten me now. Go on, threaten me.” All the while I was taunting him as he would with me when I was just a kid, I poked him in the shoulder.

He looked meekly down at the floor without saying a word.

Finally, I said, “I didn’t think so,” and just as I turned to walk away, I saw anger and determination take over his features and he began to follow me. For some reason, this scared me and I quickly moved away even though he could barely walk even with crutches, and one swift punch or kick would have sent him into oblivion.

I kept hoping Tom would wake up as I began to turn it into a game of sorts and taunt the guy with a game of Catch Me if You Can but he never woke up. Then I picked up my mug of coffee from the table and threw it at him just to find it empty before I woke up.

Then I had another scary dream about swimming in a pool as the plastic pool cover was closing and racing towards the end to jump out before it could trap me.

In the last dream, I didn’t seem to know Tom. I lived in an apartment building by myself. I don’t know how many floors there were but I was at least four or five floors up. The guy that owned the building offered me two apartments that were next to each other for $900 a month even though I seemed to mostly live in just one of them. I was very grateful because I knew that this meant I would only have to worry about noise coming from whoever was across the hall and below me.

I thought of having my parents send the rent checks after I gave them the money each month but then realized that was silly because all I had to do was open a checking account.

There was some kind of restaurant down in the lobby where I ended up talking to a younger woman who I hadn’t been very close to in the past. Yet we were getting along better and I asked her where the closest bank was, reminding her that I didn’t drive.

She said there was one not too far and that she wouldn’t mind walking me over to it. I thanked her and asked if she would be willing to wait while I ran back upstairs with something I was holding in my hand and she said she would.

So I ran upstairs and reached down to slip a key into a lock that was at the side of a thick mat. But then I realize that was silly since that wouldn’t let me into the apartment. I then unlocked the door of the apartment I occupied the least, suddenly finding them connected. I walked through its living room and into the kitchen of the apartment I had most of my stuff in and was pissed at myself when I found I left my refrigerator door open. I shut it and then went into the bathroom to pee. Then I decided I would hold it in and wait till I got back since it took longer to pee as an older person, and I didn’t want to make the woman wait too long for me.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 2021

Going to end up having 6 anxious days in January and tomorrow will be my third skip since I still don’t feel 100% better. I have zero hope of ever overcoming this. The old me really is gone forever. I feel like I’m being punished for some horrible thing I never did.

Going to try a new experiment where I skip every other week no matter how I feel to see if that prevents it from occurring in the first place.

I found two cases of two different doctors online that say it’s better to skip your thyroid meds if you forget a dose rather than double up and risk ODing. So once again, my doc lied by saying I shouldn’t have had the problems I had back when I thought I double-dosed. Even Ostrander told me to double up the next day if I forgot a dose. Now that I know that yes, you can OD on an extra dose even if it may not be lethal, maybe I really did double dose after all when I first started having problems even though it’s unlikely. I’ll never know. I just know that at this point it really is either the medication or something in my brain chemistry that went wrong around the time I started it since I can’t blame it on changing hormones anymore since they’ve already changed. So unless they changed for the absolute worst, I still say most of it has always been on the meds.

There’s this older woman in Arizona that I’ve become cyber friends with on PB. She says that not only was the mammogram she had done just shy of her 50th birthday in the late 90s painful but when they detected a suspicious spot, she said the needle biopsy hurt more than the natural births of her two kids combined. Precisely why I don’t bother with mamos!

If skipping again tomorrow doesn’t help, then the problem is likely the new statins. I’m not gonna pay $75 for the more expensive brand that doesn’t make me as anxious if that’s what it is, even if it’s for 3 months’ worth, so gonna quit statins if skipping the Levo doesn’t help. Not worth feeling miserable to maybe prevent a heart attack/stroke I may never have. If something doesn’t have symptoms, I would rather just let it kill me than put myself through painful testing and medication that may backfire on me. I’ve lived long enough, I don’t have any dependents, and I know Tom would get by just fine being the hermit that he is. When he says he could easily never go out again in his life and have everything he needed delivered to him, I totally believe that. Nothing wrong with that contrary to what judgemental people like Andy may believe as we are who we are and we’re not all the same. Me, I do like to get out at least once a week but with the pandemic, it’s stupid to take unnecessary risks other than a trip out to Rite Aid every now and then. We’ll probably go there either this morning or tomorrow morning.

Shit. I forgot the food. Sugary treats and frozen pizza can fuel my anxiety, both of which I’ve had, especially when I’m due for a levo skip. Tom also thinks it’s partly my schedule and being alone too long because he slept longer than expected. I just hope tomorrow is a better day! I’ll definitely go back to eating healthy and skip another dose. Better to miss variety in my diet than to suffer. But if I’m still anxious tomorrow then I’m really going to start wondering about those statins even though I tend to agree with Tom in that they shouldn’t cause that compared to something like the thyroid medication.

Later…

Slept long and well. No nightmares. I feel better. I think. It’s too early in my day to get my hopes up but it’s looking like yeah, it was just another one of those wonderful thyroid storms that most doctors will tell you don’t exist. If, however, I do get anxious later on, I’m going to stop the statins for a week and see how I do. Then I’ll start them back up and we’ll see what happens. But it’s looking like we were right about those not being the culprit. I never truly thought they were but it’s too soon to get my happy dance on. Don’t wanna jinx things by jumping the gun but yeah, I’m better. I feel it. Actually, it’s what I don’t feel. That God-awful adrenaline kick in my chest.

Now if only Tom’s back could get better too! And my bestie’s belly.

Decided I am going to go ahead and do automatic skips on or around the 1st and 15th of each month to see if it wards off the anxiety in the first place. I won’t skip tomorrow because I skipped today. If doing this helps, that would not only be a huge relief for me but it would also confirm the poison as the main culprit even more. The only two Levo side effects I’ve ever had that went away were lightheadedness and hair loss.

Got an idea for another long-term project after I finish running journals through Grammarly and all that. Well, who says I have to wait until I’m dead to publish them? All I have to do is pull out sensitive info by going through them one by one and then I can share them anonymously on PB. It’s perfectly legal not to use your real name when you blog but so what if anyone who knows me well enough knows it’s me by the first names I use, subjects, and writing style? I’ll just make sure there are no last names, street names, and pull out anything that mentions Aly.

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Last updated January 27, 2024