i lost or killed it at the diner in Sometimes I feel dead inside

she never came back. that girl that left, that girl that was my best friend, she's gone forever. the person who returned in her place just isn't the same. i know i'm not the same. i realized i had to kill part of me when she left. i had too many people leave my life who i've cared about. i will never let her know this, that the efficiently angry person i've become was the results of her leaving. i don't know if she could even understand or take responsibility for her actions, she hasn't before, why would she start now? it was part of the reason i pushed her away, sent her out of my life. i resented her because she couldn't see that it was her actions that had gotten her in trouble, that it was her doing that had caused most of her problems in her life. i tried to help her realize that she had the ability to make her life better. i don't know, i can't just blame her. i guess i am still a little bit upset that she did leave. she was the most important person in my life for over a year. i know that my role in her life is over and that i am okay with. part of me is a bit upset that i didn't feel a thing when i was hanging out with her. maybe she became an idea that grew larger than the person. she realized that i'm very goal driven and i've really given up on bothering with things that are trivial to those goals. she wasn't too happy with that, apparently i've become an idea as well. my goal for a year there was encouraging her to leave, being the biggest cheerleader she ever had, now that is done everything else seems pointless. i have no other goals for her and she doesn't really have a use for me anymore. sitting in that diner at 5am realizing the long conversations about nothing, about her life, about dealing with loss, were all great and important. that was almost a year ago, life has changed. theres a moment of silence that i let linger, and i find that its just not there anymore, its over the girl is gone. i guess she knew it as well maybe it was a combination of exhaustion and some alcohol but it never really mattered before. i don't know if i'm more sad at losing a connection like that or how i don't really seem to have anyone in my life like that anymore. but as i walk home alone i smile there were things about her that infuriated me, and the thing that made her special to me was that she was going through the same mess as me. she seems pretty much over that whole ordeal and i've gotten better at just keeping it inside anyhow. or dumping it on here i guess. well gotta dump it somewhere right?