Bare With Me a Minute in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

So, I was sitting around letting my mind wander… when it wandered to a specific place. But how it got there, the reaction that occurred, and everything surrounding it? Well, this is definitely one of those times where I have to say, “Forgive me for the long convoluted entry; but knowing how my brain came up with what it did may be just as important to document as what it actually came up with.”

Admittedly, this starts with a pornographic actress. I’ll reserve her name for arbitrary reasons but… honestly, clothed/unclothed provocative/unprovocative… something about her just… reminded me of Aoife so much.
THOUGHT ONE: You know, if I really had to put a name to “The One That Got Away”(TOTGA), I’d probably say Aoife or Essen.
RESPONSE THOUGHT: Woah, is it really fair to put Essen on there? I mean… isn’t that… not cool, all things considered?
ANSWER THOUGHT: Well, this isn’t exactly a thought process that requires another party’s consent. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY can be defined personally by the individual and considering the emotional connection, the conversations, the kids… honestly considering everything about the Essen situation as it was? Acknowledging the negatives and red flags… I do think it is fair to qualify her as “One That Got Away” because the emotional and intellectual element of what was going on? That IS exactly what you wanted, needed, and had been praying for in your marriage. So… if intangibles existed that you had been so hoping for in a long term committed relationship were part of what was going on? I think it is fair to consider via “One That Got Away.”

SELF-CRITICAL JUDGEMENTAL THOUGHT: You do realize that both of the women in the “Ones that Got Away” category were not only expressly kinky, even having kink discussions with you and sharing kink fantasies; but were also the women that seemed most sexually open with you? I don’t mean to cast aspersions on your reputation here; but can you really consider them “Ones that Got Away” if you’re only thinking with your dick?!

AMICUS THOUGHTS: I mean… yeah, buddy. I know in College, you considered Buffy to be a “one that got away” but you haven’t felt that regarding her since… hell, Sophomore Year of College! That’s like… 20 years ago now. And Buffy was, on paper, perfect! Red Hair, Green Eyes, Huge Chest, KILLER Legs, a spirit of kindness and generosity that should qualify her for fucking sainthood… admit it! The reason you no longer consider her a “One That Got Away” category is because you could never muster the courage to kiss her while you were dating! Meaning your “one that got away” is entirely devoted to your own sexual issues!

KNEE JERK RESPONSE: Hey! Frankly, I think I no longer consider Buffy a “One That Got Away” because I acknowledge how her and her husband are better together than she and I could have ever been. She isn’t “One that Got Away” when she is “A Best Friend that truly found the love of her life!” I mean… take that analysis further. HOW can you tell that her husband is her best, most perfect choice? I was one of his groomsmen… a former boyfriend of his bride. But as a fantastic dude with an excellent heart… and having known me a bit… he brought me on as someone who he knew cared about her like family while also not being a threat to their union. So, no. Buffy stopped being considered for that list 2 decades ago!

JUDGEMENTAL SELF: Okay, fine. Sure. But the original point still stands. Aoife and Essen are only considered “Ones That Got Away” because of the sexual shit. I mean… Aoife is one of the first women to specifically dress for you, Aoife holds the distinction as the ONLY lifeform in existence to bring you to orgasm with a non-genital body part AND holds the distinction as the first of only TWO lifeforms to bring you to orgasm. And Essen? It is fair to say, despite still being bound by the Rule of Three, the frequency with which Essen had sex with you (limited strictly to “the period where you were having sex”) was higher than anyone else… the sex was more intense than with anyone else… and was kinkier than the sex with anyone else. I mean… frankly? The point still stands. Are these really women to consider “The One That Got Away” or is it just “I Miss Having Sexual Kinky Encounters with Women I Consider Hot?”

SELF RESPONSE: Hey, I do admit… I miss having sexual kinky encounters with women I consider hot. I’m not denying that. I’m just not sure if “sex alone” is really the justification here! I mean, honestly consider the historical record. Aku had red hair, green eyes, and Marilyn Monroe’s tits. Aku frequently dressed for me (albeit often in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times). Naked but for my own leather trench coat? Undressing from jeans and a button up shirt to a red dress with nylons while I was in the room? Aku certainly dressed for me… and engaged in sexual interactions including hand jobs and blow jobs… but we would NEVER consider putting her on the list! Nancy! The first woman with whom I had FRIES CONSENT sexual intercourse… the second of only 2 women to make me orgasm… fuck, the woman to whom I have orgasmed most often… I certainly don’t consider HER “One That Got Away”! I mean… the ex-wife and majority of my sexual experience… this isn’t “sex based” if I don’t consider her one that got away! Hell! VICTORIA! SHE isn’t considered one that got away, and the sex concepts there disprove the entire theory of TOTGA being strictly due to my dick!

JUDGEMENTAL SELF: Lots to say there, and mostly what you’ve said is half-true or skewed. Not considering Aku as a “TOTGA” has less to do with sex and more to do with legitimately healing deep traumas. As soon as the relationship turned violent to the point of life threatening… if you had suggested she was a potential TOTGA… a Mental Health Commitment may have been needed! And Nancy?! I mean… I know this is a semantic argument for the most part but, she can’t be considered TOTGA when you were the one that left. I mean, let’s start there. And then let’s shift immediately back to my point that to be considered TOTGA, there needs to be positive sexual history. Considering how your ex-wife used the twin blades of “Forced Celibacy” and “Excessive Criticism” to repeatedly remind you that she would not deign touch you because you were not worthy of physical affection… NO SHIT she’s not considered a TOTGA. But that proves MY point on how you view TOTGA through an exclusively sexual lens!

SELF RESPONSE: Except I don’t consider Victoria as a TOTGA at all, not in the slightest sense!!! And she was not only exceptionally sexual… she was also my first for a LOT of things.... and my first in a LONG TIME about a lot of things… while ALSO doing some things worth noting! Hell, if we want to claim that Aoife is on the TOTGA list because she would dress for me.... even forget Aku and focus on Nancy and Victoria! Nancy did once dress up for me. In what was, from the ages of 0 to 36, the hottest a woman has looked with the intent to get a reaction from me. Literally THE DREAM outfit (or at least one of them). And Nancy did that for me. NOT TOTGA. Then Victoria! Where to even begin? Victoria was the first time that someone explicitly chose to wear something sexy FOR ME then sought me out. Aoife, Aku, even Nancy… their various Sexy Dress for Me? Well, the extent Aoife would go would be wearing her red bra (and mentioning it) to establish that, while her cup size was “nearly A” I still appreciated her breasts… and she would wear a peasant skirt… for “access” (and that “access” is even partially tongue-in-cheek really). Aku? Aku’s “dressing for me” would be at manipulative times she knew I would be around. Like… the naked leather thing? Aku had called in sick to school and was home alone. I was bringing her homework and soup during my lunch before I had to go back to class. Naked Leather was an attempted Honey Trap! And the red dress/nylons? That was Valentine’s Day 2002… also known as THE DAY I said once and for all NO I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! Fuck, even the time Nancy got all hot for me was because (her words) she got to my place early, got bored, and started having ideas. But not Victoria!! Victoria was a woman with a husband… and children… and a boyfriend… but one night, she had some thoughts! She wanted to feel sexy, she wanted to be sexual, she wanted to orgasm, and she wanted to share it with me. Specifically. So, she changed into something sexy, grabbed a dildo, and came to my house. (.) Here’s a woman who DRESSED for me AND was the first woman to ever Squirt Orgasm in front of me AND was the first Ginger I’d ever had (in any way; and yes GINGER women are hot); AND was the first blow job I’d had in 2 decades; AND was the first Kink sex… and, truly, with Victoria.... a lot of the sexual firsts or sexual “first in a long time” apply!! If my TOTGA list is exclusively about sexual shit- than Victoria should be on there. She isn’t. I’m not just sitting here conflating significance with sex!!

JUDGEMENTAL SELF: So, let me get this straight. Really. Of the FIVE women you’ve ever been sexual with. You consider two to be candidates for TOTGA but you’re saying NOT for sexual reasons because you don’t consider.... a violent ex, your ex-wife, or someone else‘s wife to be TOTGA? No. Anything related to AKU is immediately discarded. Anything related to Nancy? How should I put this? Uhm. Let’s see… while I do acknowledge that she is the only woman to have brought you to orgasm through sexual intercourse… while I acknowledge it will likely be true that she was the only one to bring you to orgasm in your thirties period… I think it is a LOT more fair to say that your relationship with Nancy wasn’t about sexual fulfilment, experience, or existence! I mean… if somebody tells me that they’ve walked 500 Miles, sure- I may be impressed… until they tell me that was 500 miles over the course of 15 years. Then I’m thinking… “That’s less than 3 miles a day. Not only is that now not impressive… I’m actually a little concerned.” THAT is you and your ex-wife’s sex life.

SELF RESPONSE: Okay, but Victoria. If my TOTGA list is purely based on sexual expression, than she would have had to be on it. She’s not. She literally made fantasies come true and inspired new fantasies and made THOSE come true. But she isn’t on the list. Ergo- your premise is wrong!

JUDGEMENTAL SELF: Either you think that I am a complete idiot or you are. Yes, Victoria gave us some wonderful memories. And when you consider your first impression of her?! You honestly considered her one of the sexiest women you had ever met in your life. TRULY. That was one of the first thoughts through your head when you met her! Fuck sake, after seeing what she looked like, Nancy even said “If you ever fuck her, you will never be able to settle for normal looking women.” And not only did you fuck her… but she actively came to your house for the exclusive purpose of masturbating in front of you to demonstrate HOW MANY orgasms she could produce, HOW HOT she was when she orgasmed, THE VOLUME of her “ejaculate”; ETC! So, yes. The Floor recognizes how truly “Sex Kitten” and/or “Sex Bunny” she was. But in order to qualify as TOTGA, the emotional element and/or the relationship itself has to be… shall I say… less hostile? For God’s Sake, consider the last time you saw Victoria’s tits! If a woman says that you will never have sex again… then shows you her tits “as consolation” but then gets fucking upset when you don’t react the way she wants? Yeah. At that point, Victoria not being considered a TOTGA has the same logical argument as AKU. Even if Victoria is more technically sane, less violent, infinitely hotter, and significantly more sexually relevant.

SELF RESPONSE: Wait… are you arguing for me there? Because that sounds like an argument for my side! The argument that… yeah, Victoria was EXCEPTIONALLY sexual but isn’t considered a TOTGA so… that list isn’t just about sex!

JUDGEMENTAL SELF: No, I was making a reasonableness argument. You don’t get credit for not considering a woman who tried to SA you. You don’t get credit for not thinking of your Ex-Wife. And you don’t get credit for “nobly” not including one of the hottest women you’ve been with when her entire perspective is… well… Victoria. Your ENTIRE list of TOTGA can be summarized as:
Women who have had your dick in their mouth, their vaginas wrapped around your fingers, kink in their hearts, and who (repeatedly) explained to you that (despite all the good sexual experiences) you were not someone that they would consider being in an actual relationship with!

RESOLUTION

At the end of it? Maybe there is something to be said there. Sure, there is genuinely unresolved emotional content regarding Aoife and Essen. And that more than anything is probably why I so readily consider them in a category of “The One That Got Away”. But I can’t just ignore the sexual elements to it. Nor the Kink elements. Mix it all up and what it tells me is… kinky women I am sexually attracted to, who act on their own sexual attraction, provided I find them attractive and it is consensual mean a lot to me. Add in some intelligence, personality, and an emotional or intellectual connection? Perfect Kryptonite.

I know the Essen path is gone. As is the Victoria path. Those dried up and died years ago. And primarily… I regret losing Essen. Which I mention because Victoria was the “more conventionally fucking hotter than real”; and was also the more “Chris, I’m going to make you hard as often as I can” person. And even still… I miss Essen’s loss the most. Much like Aoife. Because, as ever, YEAH I would like, really like, if it is in any way possible… to live in a world where I have sexual touch more often than once every five years. But the truest pain, the truest desire is merely....

I would so wish to find someone whose personality and emotions were sympatico with mine… who was also attractive enough and “keen” enough that sex within the first 3 years was a possibility.

Last updated March 19, 2023