Trying to escape you in Riverdale

Tried and tried but never could escape you

So I ran into my ex Lee again. (My ex)That boy is a nutcase a bully and a loose cannon. But for some reason deep down I still care about him. I want to fix him I find it so easy but he makes it so hard and ultimately I cannot change or control him.

I went to the store to get cigs and there he was right in front of the store blocking my way. Going on about how he was trying to call me and blah blah blah. Whatever.

But I'll be honest my body froze my mind froze. My body reacts with love and desire still.

So I went to the store got some beers and I made him get a blanket and us just hang outside. I refuse to go to his apt and let him into mine since the last violent episode. I tried to lay down some ground rules and he seemed to agree and understand at the time but than it all got fucked up.

He felt the need to randomly go up to some 20 year old kids and talk to them because it's "his" neighbourhood.....

I didn't want to it was 1 pm who knows what they were doing or what they were up to he chased and called my name twice and grabbed my arm twice and I told him to let go of my fucking arm and he finally did than retreated and started kicking something and mocking me for saying that. He's such a hater and an angry person it's scary and hurtful.

He still has my fucking eye glasses which I want back. I just wish he could calm down and be more respectful to me and to everyone else to keep peace but he's so not at peace with himself and is erratic. He has a death wish. Maybe he is on crack cocaine for all I know....

I am scared of him too. So I am trying to just be nice mostly trying to keep the peace. Pretend I am not as mad and upset as I truely am so I don't encourage his wrath if I encounter him or he doesn't try to kill me.

He said he has a gun. So that scares me because I don't know whats going on In his sick little head most of the time. Like is he talking shit mostly or what? I've seen evidence of his violence and craziness so I don't think so but I just wonder how organized he really is in his head and how far he's willing to go to kill or harm someone he's obsessed with or wants to control.

I feel so alone right now. All well intentioned advice is futile. I mean call the cops? Come on...that'll make him angrier and he said he's not that scared anyways....get a restraining order? To what his own street? Throw a piece of paper at him and see him laugh?

Move? Of course that's a long term solution that takes fucking time.

Shelter? Why so I can abandon my cat live under rules and regulations and have no privacy and live with other rough people and basically be miserable and have even less freedom?

Of course I am going to change my routes. Go out of my fucking way to avoid him. Of course I am not going to go out at night right now. Of course I am not going to allow him in my place or go to his.

It's just so unfair and shitty. I run away each time from a stupid abusive fuck. This is the third time I have lived so close to my abusers and violent ones at that.

I hate the neighbourhood at that though so the only positive thing out of this sort of is that it gives me a good excuse and the best way to move hopefully faster. Because I love in gov housing I might be able to get a transfer faster because I am going through abuse. But there's always a chance I could get rejected because from what it looks like you have to have lived or be living with the abuser, have police records of the abuse, shit like that.

I feel fucked right now. All I truely have is god. No good friends to take me in for awhile no family members just me and my cat. It's awful that things had to turn out this way.

It makes things that much harder for me. All I do is pray and I encourage anyone who reads this to pray that I find a way to move away from this town and be safe again.

I just truely hope it doesn't come to death or serious injury for me.....