i got some dust in my eye in Sometimes I feel dead inside

i had a dream where i was paralyzed, i couldn’t move or communicate and i started panicking. the idea of being trapped in my body unable to do anything or even let anyone know i was in there was terrifying. i’m a bit of a shut in now. i don’t leave my apt aside from maybe once a week and that has become once or twice a month lately. i sit on the same couch as another day goes by. staring a screens all day to the point i have to wear blue light glasses just so my eyes don’t hurt when i try to sleep. which i don’t do in more than 2 or 3 hour random times. often time falling asleep in the middle of whatever i’m doing. i’ve put on too much weight that i’m scared i can’t lose. or worse don’t really want to put in the effort to lose. my friends don’t really try to hang out anymore as they’ve moved away or gotten into relationships that occupy their time. there are no relationships or dating prospects going on here either. but thats ok, i’m not my biggest fan right now. even my creative outlets seem to have dried up. both in writers block and in desire to push them. i watched the whale the other day and literally saw my current life, it was a slap in the face. but not one that motivated me to do anything. instead i started to feel resigned to that being my future. theres a haze that feels like its engulfed my life. i can’t tell if i’m drowning or just lost or whats happening. combine that with the insane uptick of people passing from either illness or self ending, i don’t want to answer my phone anymore. its alot and i know its a lot, so i started writing down everything i need to do. working off a list. sure its going super slow because i don’t want to do any of it. there are moments where i get things going, i’ve been checking at least one thing off everyday even if i have to add something to cross off. but still i can’t sleep its 7am and i’ve been awake all night. now don’t fret, i know that once a few of these things on the list get done everything else will start to fall into place and maybe i can get myself out of this annoying down point. i’ve been thinking of seeing my folks but they just tell me that what i’m doing isn’t healthy and i know that. i don’t want to hear it, i remind myself everytime i look in a mirror or take the stairs in my building too fast and get winded. when i first moved into this apt i was in the best shape of my life, i had the start of a 6 pack. i’m literally 100lbs more than that point now. my knees hurt if i get up too fast. i hate this, but i can’t seem to get the motivation that i need. i’m just frustrated about it, i will get myself there, i will do it. its maddening that i am not there already. doesn’t help my apt is super dusty because i’m always in it making it dusty. thats wreaking havoc on my sinuses, i feel like i’m allergic to the world. my air purifier can’t seem to keep up with the dust. ok, enough. i’m done venting. i will get this going, i will turn things around. i will get myself into a better headspace.