Tired, don’t want to sleep… in These Days:
- Feb. 24, 2023, 10:29 p.m.
- |
- Public
I’m having a lazy evening, reading posts on here, browsing YouTube. Currently listening to the Alex Murdaugh cross examination (because bleep that guy), sipping diet Dr Pepper, and trying not to think about tomorrow and the weekend. Today while I worked I could hear birds outside at one point. It was kind of nice. The sun was shining, I could feel a bit more warmth coming from the windows, and the signs of Spring seem to be upon us here in my area.
I feel like such a drag, though. The positivity I enjoy for a moment, and then the dread of feeling lack of accomplishment on where I want to be seems to occupy my mind. Work and its stresses aside, I need to get back on my health journey, but I just find it hard being positive and motivated. I wonder if my lack of motivation is my lack of discipline or something more. I don’t want to do anything positive and goal related in my life anymore unless I’m doing it mainly for myself. I think I learned a bad habit doing things for the benefit of others, and I’m trying to learn how to show appreciation for my own efforts so I can build up to desiring more from myself. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible for me or if I’m too old to “learn new tricks.”
Sometimes I feel sad because I realize I’m not like my sister. She’s almost a decade older than me, and she grew up in a much different environment. I look at her and she’s always had goals in her life, and for the most part she has met them. I never had her drive, but I wanted to. I just couldn’t quite find the way to find my drive, to put the sake of my soul into something and hope/aim for the sky. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to do quite a bit, especially writing and my art, but growing up I wonder if something fundamental was just missing. Did she just have more stability than me? Or was I lazy? Did I lack the discipline to overcome my depression? My partner said, from their clinical perspective, that I had a “f*ton of neglect” as a child—but I don’t want to think of it that way because I don’t see what good it really does in my situation. There has to be drive still, right? There has to be the drive to want to overcome…and not just the numbed patience to dangle one’s feet above the water, waiting to be pushed in…
Firebabe ⋅ February 25, 2023 (edited February 25, 2023)
Edited
I would venture a guess that neglect absolutely can kill drive. If nothing you did while you were growing up resulted in any sort of reaction (positive or negative), then I could 100% see a person's drive getting suppressed. I would imagine that it turns into a big pile of, "why bother?" or "what's the point?" If there's no point, there's no need, and if there's no need, there's no drive.
Do you think ALL your drive is gone, or is it just in specific areas? I struggle with a lack of drive a lot, but it always seems to be in specific areas, and only rarely seems to take over every facet of my day-to-day.
TryingTime Firebabe ⋅ February 26, 2023
I very much often thought “what’s the point?” But I’m way too existential for my own good as an adult. But, as a child, I was homeschooled and did not have a healthy/productive routine for most of my life. My goals as a child were avoidance, mainly trying to get out of school work and avoiding my mother/conflict, now that I think about it… I didn’t have anything I looked forward to except a possible better future, and I find I still look for that now in a day dream but get hung up in the drive to work for it in its multi-faceted ways that it requires.
Thank you so much for asking me that question about my drive. I think I finally realized the one thing I do feel a drive for, all because you asked and it had me thinking about it for a while. My drive, or the closest thing I feel that is a “drive,” is making sure I work, and I try to do my job the best I can so I don’t have to worry about losing it. Because…I think my drive is “having security,” but I’m just not entirely sure still what that means/entails on all intended levels, other than the job thing. Romantically I’d like that done and figured out, but logically I know that’s never more reliable than one’s own contentment and self-reliability.
I’d like to have a drive for experiencing more moments of “joy,” and a drive to focus hard on my health again. I think I’m closer to being more proactive towards the latter because it seems to relate to my drive for security, though.
You’ve helped me make more sense of this, Firebabe. With this understanding…I don’t feel as bad/judgement to myself about the topic. And I thank you very, very much!
Firebabe TryingTime ⋅ February 28, 2023
I feel you on the goals as a child. My father has been married five times, I had three stepmothers growing up. All of them were terrible. As a kid, my primary goal that blocked out everything else, was turning 18 and getting out of that house. I counted down years, and months, and days until that could happen.
I also have a strong desire to have "security." I think I've accomplished that pretty well to date. My struggle is figuring out how to be happy, or at least content. That's part of what I'm trying to work through now with the therapist.
It would be nice if we could figure all this out at an earlier age, instead of having to use a lot of adult time working it out. LOL.
TryingTime Firebabe ⋅ March 01, 2023
Yikes! Three stepmoms! I can not even begin to imagine what that must have been like! I bet you have so many stories to tell on those social dynamics growing up throughout your father’s marriages. I assume it probably felt unstable with all the wondering about when/if things would change again around you. That’s so hard in kids.
It’s unfortunate we can both relate to the feeling of just wanting to grow up and getting out of our environments. And you’re not kidding! It would have been so nice to figure this out earlier on. You and I appear to be in the same boat here. I’m okay with not having happiness all the time, but I am wanting just to be content. The struggle is real! LOL. We just gotta keep in our minds that we will reach that level of health/contentment we are looking for someday. Once I have less bills to pay I’ll be right there with you in getting myself back into therapy. I admire your proactiveness in taking care of yourself because the world doesn’t make it a very easy task for us to do sometimes. =)