Trying to be concise… in These Days:

Since my partner left after Valentine’s Day, I’ve felt numb. They convinced me to take the day off work, and then they surprised me with some flowers (first time they ever got me flowers), and that evening cooked us a steak dinner and I prepared roasted asparagus. It was nice. They salted the steak to an ungodly extent, but it was a very nice thing they did anyway. The gesture was lovely.

In other news, my work has been annoying the hell out of me. Once Covid hit they sent us all home to work. I’ve grown accustomed to working from home, and I love how it saves me money and time. I’m unhappy to announce they are forcing us to go back at least 3 days a week to work from the office starting this upcoming Monday. Since I work 2nd shift, this is not going to be favorable. If my partner were already here and had their own steady income, I would have been leaving my current job in a heartbeat for something else. There has been so much office drama…for a department that doesn’t even see each other in person. I try to keep my head low and just focus on my work and leave anyway, but I have no patience to handle the increasing anxiety. Sometimes I think about going back to the doctor’s and asking to be put back on Prozac. I’ve been without it now for over 7 or so years, so maybe I don’t need it, I just wish there was something I could rely on. I don’t want to be chemically dependent on anything, but it’s definitely one of the better options, especially since I also no longer smoke cigarettes.

Ultimately, I just want to get through the next few months, and I’m dreading it.

Other than that, my mother is going to be moving closer finally to me and my sister. Every week we take turns driving to her, almost an hour there and then another hour back, just to get her groceries and prescriptions, help clean and do her laundry. Finally she will be closer to us both, and it’s a blessing, for sure. But we are helping her move this weekend when I really wish she would just buy some help of professional movers. It’s gonna physically exhaust and hurt me and my sister and her family to do all the work. And I’m already having morbid feelings. My mom is getting older, she already can’t really care for herself, and now I have that unfortunate thought of wondering if this will be her last home…

(Yep, I’m definitely a Debbie Downer lately.)

In other bizarre happenings, someone reached out to me who I hadn’t spoken with in over ten years. He messaged me on Facebook and simply asked me one question: “do you like the Cure?” I had no idea who this guy was but he said he was from Portugal, and then I instantly knew. He asked me if I remembered his name, and of course I did. He was shocked that I remembered him and I was shocked he remembered me. I find it a bit sentimental, though. We were always just online buddies, talked about music, and sometimes played Age of Empires on the PC. It feels kinda nice to be remembered, but then I often hide from people so I have no room to gloat about it. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I do this weird thing were I got into “hibernation” and just stop answering messages for days, weeks, months, or…as proven, over a decade. I’m sure it has to be from old traumas, and I am working hard on not doing it anymore, but it’s a strange self-reservation habit. I wonder how many people out there can relate. I have no ill intent or malice, or seek attention. I just have this innate feeling of wanting to disappear sometimes.

On a related note: today is an old friend of mine’s birthday. He lived here in the States but moved to Germany a couple of years ago, and probably won’t ever be back. Currently I’ve been ghosting him as well…I think for a year. Maybe I should face it and send him a message. He knows me and he knows this is my behavior. I really need to learn how to handle it so it isn’t, though. It’s not cool; it’s just embarrassing in the end.

I hear rain. That should help me fall asleep. Gotta get up by noon so I can shower and get ready for my last Wednesday working from home.

Yeah, I think I failed the concise part. =)