The time is almost over… in These Days:
- Feb. 14, 2023, 2:17 a.m.
- |
- Public
My partner arrived last week and will be leaving Wednesday (tomorrow). We have known each other for over 4 years (became close friends almost instantly), and have been together romantically for almost 2. They’re soon to take their test for getting their LISW and are actively looking for a job in my State. They’re not moving here just for me. Getting out of their current State and back here has been a long term goal for them. We’ve spent the last couple of years traveling a lot so we could make sure we could see each other for at least one week a month (usually), but it’s been a very rough 2 years…
(Quick note: pronoun choice here is strictly for anonymity and for no other reason.)
I haven’t been happy this past week. Sometimes I enjoy my partner being around and wish they were here already permanently, and other times I feel I want to scream. They are not emotionally abusive, but they are avoidant and in some ways a bit neglectful/thoughtless. They spent the entire week playing on my PS5, just as they did last month. They were playing still until 12 AM when I came out from my bedroom to surprised them with a Valentine’s Day card I made and a box of chocolates. They took the box of chocolates and began opening that before even looking at the card. I just don’t understand. It hurt my feelings, and I tried to nicely point it out, “aw, you’re not gonna look at your card first?” And they paused, I suppose then understood how it was kinda rude, and then proceeded to look at the card, but not even paying kind to the obvious decorative fold-out heart that had to be untied to be seen. I know everyone is different, and I’m not disrespecting them, but I just don’t understand. It wasn’t even a huge or unique box of candy, but that was what they wanted/cared about. They are a therapist and it blows my mind so much just goes over their head. The past two years have felt like a battle to even stay with them at times for the disregard I feel. To be honest, the only reason I haven’t is because we’ve spent so much time already waiting this out and we won’t really know if we can progress further until we’re constantly living around each other… but I just feel so worn-out already, and I worry if I’m making the right choice.
Their family and my family, I believe, are rooting for us, and their family likes me and mine likes them (which is a fantastic plus when you’ve experienced the opposite); there’s very little that my partner and I don’t know about each others’ pasts (the good and bad); we know we would each benefit from the situation of sharing the same living space and bills; and we seem to get along pretty okay when just going about our daily routines in the same living space. All great things, surely, but…I’m so tired of feeling disappointment, and I’m wanting to know what it’s like to honesty be able to rely/depend on someone else, and not feel stressed like I have to maintain everything.
Everyone ought to realize that no one is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if I’m trying to set myself up for continuous sadness in romantic relationships. My partner is slightly on the eccentric side, on the spectrum, and has come to discover that they have unhealthy issues being too emotionally avoidant. Just for a few examples of their behavior to try to illustrate other quirks: I sometimes now preemptively try to give pointers that they should watch out for with how they talk to people (as a loving reminder) because they can get a bit judge-y and snobby-sounding, even over something as stupid as them talking about beer quality, or buying all natural/organic food when they can’t even afford it themselves. Then the spectrum stuff makes them picking up on social queues almost impossible, which I try to help them maneuver. They can have a hard time making new friends, which makes me sad for them, but some of the stuff they say just comes off so insensitive, or they don’t take certain matters with as much care for all concerned. Then their personal beliefs, which almost made me stop talking to them when I first met them, that cancer is karmic and the person who dies from it basically has themselves to blame. (This didn’t sit well with me for many reasons, and one being I lost my best friend to cancer.)
And as for expressing my feeling about them to them, I have been painfully vocal, yet I guess they share the thought that we need a workbench first before we can use our tools to make this better/work for us. So, I shut down, and in part because they have shown they actively are trying to improve, and I don’t want to make them feel punished or stressed out simply for my own feelings… And I’m proud of my partner, too. They have been going to therapy at least once every week or so, they continue their own education to discover their own mental health needs, and they are trying very hard to find a clinic to work in over here, sometimes having such tenacity that the amount of interviews they do a week leaves me speechless. I respect them… I am just…not happy. And a few prior events last year just really left me in a place where I shut down. Literally all I could do was work, play video games, sleep. Rinse and repeat for months. It was terrible for me and my health, but I didn’t choose to act healthfully or against the depression until recently. I just didn’t have the will, and that’s even worse to admit. Self preservation mode, I guess.
I know that I am fortunate, though. I’ve had some very miserable years, but I’m grateful for what I have right now. I just wish I felt better about it, and I know there’s still quite a bit more of an upward hill to climb, but what is the view going to be like? I just hope it is worth it, and that I’m not just subconsciously trying to cause myself suffering in the end.
In any case, Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, whether celebrated or loathed. Make the best of it. I’ll try to do the same.
Firebabe ⋅ February 22, 2023
My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years (married for 10). He gets judgy about very specific stuff. He can get real judgy about people at work, if they're "acting" the right way, or if they aren't performing up to his standards. He can also get judgy about people who are in political or socio-economic situations. I actually wrote an entry detailing the fact that he basically doesn't belive in the idea of white (straight) male privilege, because he was poor when he was growing up, but he managed to get ahead and now has a good job and makes very decent money. So if he could do it, than anyone should be able to, and I cannot make him see that the fact that he is a white man may have contributed to at least some of his success.
It wasn't pretty. LOL.
When I call out that he's maybe being judgy, one of two things will happen. Either he'll only address the facts of the situation, and will not discuss any emotional influences, OR...he'll just quit talking.
He does not really make complaints because that takes effort, and my husband is one of the LAZIEST people I have ever known. Absolutey will NOT do anything that takes more than a minimum amount of effort. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I've noticed this before with some highly intelligent people. If they don't see a benefit to themselves, then why bother?
This is a main reason why I started going to therapy. We simply don't communicate well. I didn't realize this until we were already married because honestly, we are aligned on so many other things. We agree on what kind of house we want. We agree on how to handle our money. We agree on decor. We agree on a lot of the stuff that other couples commonly fight about. It wasn't until Trump got elected and all the political and socio-economic fuckery started going hard core, that I realized that we have VERY different views about this stuff, and we are absolute shit at communicating about it.
I think that it's important to talk about how you feel, even if it feels like you're putting your partner in a negative light, because, in the end, a relationship is about being aware of another person's emotional needs. You don't get to just carry on doing how you've always done without making adjustments. That's what being in a relationship requires. Both parties will HAVE to make changes / adjustments. What gets changed, and to what extent are things that both parties have to work on / agree to. If one party has no interest in examing their behavior, and how it impacts their partner, then that's where the rubber meets the road, and hard decisions have to be made.
It's all very messy and complex. But feelings are always valid. Expectations might have to be set, but a relationship shouldn't make you feel suppressed, or unsafe, or miserable. That's a hill I'll die on. 🙂
TryingTime Firebabe ⋅ February 23, 2023
Thank you so much for replying! I appreciate it. I can understand, I believe, the type of mentality your husband has, too, so I know at times that must be difficult. My partner and I are actually in a similar boat there with our political beliefs. I am way more sociology-minded compared to them... but I did not want politics to get in the way of us developing our friendship when we first met because I could tell we might bump heads in certain areas. We had so much more in common than we didn’t, though, and I wanted to prove to myself that it’s possible for people to become close even with differentiating views. In fact, they didn’t even know my political preferences until less than two years ago. It’s been interesting since then, and I do find myself having to logically…but politely…challenge them on certain topics now that I feel more confident/comfortable in sharing. I want them to know at this point how I feel, and why I feel the way I do/what I base my views on, and see how tolerant and respectful they can be in seeing where I come from. They, too, however…don’t like to invest enough thought into certain things, and I’ve similarly wondered how lazy they are, or if it’s a hiccup with how they just process thoughts in their mind (thanks to the notable spectrum). So, definitely I can see that making things extra challenging when you’re trying to communicate with your husband. It’s not easy.
I can’t believe how many people I’ve known/heard about at this point who have had issues in their relationships because of Trump and/or Trump-oriented issues/topics. It’s actually pretty scary but fascinating. With everyone in our country still trying to recover from that, dealing with the possible future, and some preaching we have a culture war going-on, I can only hope people find a way to pull together in some other commonality. It’s really hard to soften someone with a hardhead who had trauma in their past like poverty, though. I bet it wasn’t easy for your husband so I see his side, too, also coming from not having a lot myself. I just hope he values the years you have been together and gives a chance at marriage counseling. Communication is so fundamental and key.
But I love your feedback! You couldn’t be more right. Love/respect/the same level of commitment and effort must be equal to both parties. Love isn’t like the movies. It is a lot of work, but it’s something each person has to actively choose every day, and it starts with first loving and respecting yourself and then your partner in tow. =)