I would consider myself a rather clean and tidy person. Moderately always on the verge of an OCD episode. . .unless I’m super depressed. When I get this way I put everything off until the last minute. I do not want to be this way because it makes me stress, so how is it I do this to myself each and every time?
I have company arriving Tuesday and I’m tidying up my apartment since they will be staying for a week. I’m organizing, doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting, tossing stuff, dishes, and so on. Really, if I would’ve just done a little bit every single night a week leading up to Tuesday, I wouldn’t have had to worry about doing a single thing at the last minute—and that was also my game plan. Should I be upset with myself? Call myself lazy? Should I justify it due to my depression? Should I not be hard on myself or should I be hard on myself? Self-help books and therapists will tell you not to be upset with yourself, but understand yourself and take accountability, yet I feel upset with myself for not being as upset with myself as I probably should be. Instead I just feel anxious and panicky. This shouldn’t be so hard. I’m either depressed or lazy, or both. I shouldn’t make excuses, but I shouldn’t neglect the reasoning for my feelings either. Such a self-defeating cycle to ponder about. And if something like this drags me down and makes me feel powerless, how do I reclaim purposeful actions and just do it?
Maybe living by myself isn’t always a great thing.
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