Somebody Make Me Feel Alive... in Just Moments

~Wow time does fly sometimes. Life here has been pretty good. In my last entry I mentioned that I met someone, and we have officially started dating and I couldn't be happier. When I'm with him it really seems like my problems don't exist. I'm more confident, I'm happier, I feel like I'm worth something. It's been such a long time since I've felt anything near to this. I don't ever want it to end. And to be honest I think that he is the one. Never thought I would say that, never. I never thought that I was capable of finding the one guy that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I realize that we have only known each other for a short while, but he's what I want. He really cares about me, cares about my needs, my wants, my desires. He actively tries to make me happy and do nice things for me. We are here for each other. We have even had a few mini fights. Nothing too dramatic or anything but I'm confident that we will be able to work through anything together. The most important thing that I have told G is that we need to be honest and open with each other all the time. If we do that then we will more than likely succeed in working through any issues that we may have.

~There are some things about his past that I'm not that happy about but with relationships you have to take the good with the bad. He's been in a serious relationship before. He's been engaged. He's way more experienced than I am (but that's not hard to do). All these things hurt a little when he told me. But in the end there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I or he can do about them now. They are in the past and I'm just going to have to get over them. Yeah does it suck that I have to worry about competing with the women of his past, yes it does. But they are gone and I'm here and that's all that should matter, but sometimes that's not enough. I feel like I will never be able to live up to them. To be as good as any of them. I want to be. I want to be better, but I don't know these women. I can't judge, only G can, and he would never tell me if I wasn't up to par with someone he had in the past. Why would he?? He wouldn't. And he can do all the reassuring in the world, but that doesn't mean I still don't think about it, worry about it. I wish that I didn't I really do just want to forget about it and never think about it again, but sometimes you don't get that luxury. My mind unfortunately does not work that way. Even now as he is sitting beside me working on homework, I wonder am I really good enough to be here? How many times did he and his ex fiancé sit in the same position in comfortable silence. Both lost in their thoughts?? Sometimes, like now, it just kills me. Just kills me.

~It also kills me to know that these past women have hurt him, some of them badly. Each passing day I find out something new that some way that these women have damaged him. And I'm happy to repair all the damage but honestly I wish I could go back and fix it all, make sure that he was never hurt. Never damaged. Again I know that this is impossible and that it again is something that we both need to get over, but it doesn't mean that I don't think about it.

~I love him... Sometimes that scares me, sometimes that gives me strength to go on. He is my support system now. I want to be that for him as well, but lets face it, he's a guy and they only let you help them so much. I try to just be here for him physically, cuz I don't know how to be emotionally yet. I know he's trying to let me in all the way, but because of his past that's just something that is difficult for him. And I honestly don't blame him. I know we all have a past, but when it really comes down to it, some of us are more affected by it than others. I wish my past didn't haunt me but it does. and there is no way to stop it. Some days are easier than other, but I try to get through them all just the same.

~Well that's all that has been going on lately with me... Sorry I haven't really kept up reading some posts, I'll try to get on here more often!! <3